How to progress to introducing each other to the children

[SunshineSally99]

Hi all
Would love advice from others who have been on the journey. Me and BF have been together for 20 months.
he has 2 children 13 and 10 and I have 2 children 13 and 4

we have met each others kids but he wanted only to introduce us as friends. I have met his children a handful of times either on my own or sometimes with one of mine, we havnt done anything with all the kids as it’s hard with the age gaps and the older 2 being teens are a little more resistant and understandably so. I think the older 2 have more of an inkling what’s happening but he doesn’t want to tell them anymore yet and I have to respect his wishes.

we agreed to take things slow which is fine and I saw his kids a few times in march, may and then once in June and then nothing since.

it’s been almost 6 weeks since I’ve seen them and since he’s seen mine. I felt like the more I was seeing them the easier it was getting but he wanted to scale it back a little and have a break.

anyways, it’s coming up to the 6 weeks and again nothing is planned for us to do anything together.
Unless I suggest it, it doesn’t happen. He doesn’t ask to come and see my kids either.

it’s the first relationship since separating so havnt done this before. I know there are not hard or fast rules for introducing kids and we have gone slow for both sides but how do we make any progress?

I’d like to see each other at least one of the days on the weekend when we have the kids and understand the time and importance for us to spend individual time with our kids too but am I unfair in wanting a little bit more?

all id like is every other Saturday we go out and do an activity or go out for food. I want to get to know the children better and for them to feel comfortable around me and I feel that only happens with frequency. he said when the kids are comfortable around me, he will then tell them more but I don’t feel I see them enough yet to even get to that stage?

any advice? I don’t want to be the one constantly asking or him only agreeing because I’ve asked and equally I’m not sure how quick or slow things should happen

It’s not unfair for you to want to see him / the dc more. But however you guys go ahead you need to be on the same page.

Maybe talk to him and find out why he wanted to pull back the contact a bit and what he would ideally like going forward. It sounds like you are feeling in the dark a bit and you need to have a chat to agree on a way forward that everyone can work with.

From the children's perspective they probably want to see you and your children as little as possible. I think him respecting that points to him being a good father. Are your children particularly desperate to spend more time with him/his kids?

What is the long term goal? Do you want to live together?

Possibly.. I mean they only know I’m “dads mate” at the moment and when I did go round they were very keen for me to stay and play games etc

we have discussed it and this probably won’t happen until the eldests are done with GCSEs so not for another 3 years. I mean that could change depending on how everyone gets on but it’s not something in the immediate future.

He just said that I’d been around like enough..

I think it equated to 4 times in 4 weeks and to give them a break to adjust…

but yeah nothing else has been mentioned. I asked if him and his eldest wanted to come out and he didn’t really make plans to accommodate because she said no so he said he couldn’t and that was it.

In that case there is absolutely no rush. Leave it and go slow. Now and again as mates is fine (although I would be honest with the kids if they ask if you're more than mates, which I would imagine the older two probably suspect).