Mil and Bed Sharing

[calibett]

I’d really appreciate some opinions on a situation that has been bothering me involving my mother-in-law and my baby.

Since having my baby, I’ve had a few minor issues with my mother-in-law, mostly her being a bit overbearing, as they can sometimes be. But there is one thing I just cannot seem to let go of.

A few months ago, I went away for the weekend and left my four-month-old baby for the first time. I knew my mother-in-law would be helping my partner, which I was fine with. At the time, our baby was sleeping in our bed in a Purflo. I know co-sleeping is not for everyone, but it was the only way he would sleep, and we were careful. Usually, only one of us was in the bed at a time, and our baby wore an Owlet monitor.

Before I left, I overheard my mother-in-law say to my partner that she would “sleep in the bed with him and the baby” because the spare bed would be taken. I clearly heard my partner say no, and that reassured me. But when I got back, a few comments she made raised red flags, and I later confirmed with my partner that she did end up sleeping in the bed with them.

No one told me at the time, and I feel really disrespected. I am not comfortable with anyone other than myself or my partner sleeping in the same bed as our baby, and I feel that boundary was crossed without any conversation.

She does not know that I know, and I have felt distant from her ever since. I am unsure whether to bring it up or let it go. I would really appreciate your honest thoughts. Am I overreacting? And how would you handle this?

Why on earth would she want to sleep with her adult son? And why was the spare bed 'taken'? Who was in the spare bed?

I think it's a bit surprising that she did that. I can't imagine my DH sharing a bed with his mum.

However I'm not quite sure I understand why you feel disrespected. It's not inherently rude. If she was there to help look after your baby she was actually following the same way you choose to do it. Surely that's a good thing than trying to change everything?

My partners brother took the spare room bed. This was another one of my issues is that he is an adult man so they should have prioritised the baby and him sleep at their house and not in our flats spare room.

Our baby happily sleeps in the bed with my partner without me whilst I catch up on sleep some nights in the spare room so she wasn't needed in our bed. I feel disrespected that no-one asked me if it was ok that she shared a bed with my baby and I had to find out myself. I just felt in the dark and there was no need for her to be in that bed. I have a feeling she wanted to play mother for a few days. My gut says that anyway!

I would be fuming. You need to tell her she has crossed a boundary. Co-sleeping isn't 100% safe anyway, but at least you and DH are used to it and have probably adjusted the way you sleep around the baby. Your MIL has not.
I would be upset with DH too, he said no in front of you but then allowed it when you were gone? What else will he "bow down" too when you're not there?

You’re not over reacting but your issue is, as ever in MN, with your DH for allowing this to happen.
Now you know your MIL can’t be trusted, you can plan her contact accordingly to minimise risk.

It’s really odd that a grown man slept in a bed with his mother. As for why the whole family needed to sleep over because you were away for two nights, utter madness. You have DP problem.

I think if the baby has been in the purflo this would reduce the chance of her rolling. Does she drink or smoke? I mean, it’s a bit weird her sleeping in the bed, but I don’t think I’d feel “disrespected” and would probably poke fun at my OH for sleeping in the bed with his mum.

I co sleep sometimes with my 3 month old. You are safer not using a nest just a completely clear bed (one pillow for you).

I wouldn't let DH do it as I don't think Dads are as in tune as mums (especially if you are breastfeeding). I certainly would not let anyone else do it as I really don't think it's safe.

Look at lullaby trust safe sleep guidelines for co sleeping.

I think that dh's brother should have either not come, or slept on the sofa, or brought a blow-up mattress. MIL could then have slept in the spare bed (which I assume is a single bed, otherwise why not share it with BIL since she's clearly happy sharing with her other adult son).

The weirdest thing here is the adult sharing situation, not the MIL and the baby.

Your husband and his mother are weird

First of all, your dh shouldn’t be bed sharing with your 4 month old. It’s not safe. With you in the bed between your partner and baby, totally fine. But at 4 months, it isn’t safe for anyone other than mum to sleep next to baby. Have him give you breaks in other ways. He gets up at 6am with baby most days to give you an extra hour of sleep. You get lie ins at the weekend. He takes baby for a walk so you get an afternoon nap on Saturday and Sunday. There are lots of safe ways to catch up on sleep. When baby is 1 or 2 or 3, totally fine. We bedshared til both ours were at least 3 and occasionally after that and Dh would sleep with them when they were toddlers.

It’s completely weird that they slept together. Dh can barely share a meal with MIL without wanting to poke his eye out. I cannot imagine them doing something so intimate as sleeping together. Can you imagine waking up with an erection next to your mum? 😳

Anyway, it’s weird and dangerous. I’d be having a word with Dh and no more MIL sleepovers for either of them.

Take advantage of the knowledge she has no respect for you and tell her she won't be babysitting going forward..
My mil told me my vegetarian dc would be eating meat at her home. So they never went without me. She made it clear she wasn't to be trusted..