I just responded to another thread with similar root causes (a partner/husband who is not enough support and fails to perform enough active role in child-rearing).
Try this thought exercise to gain perspective . . . what would happen if you changed behavioral roles? Specifically, how would you be viewed by your husband, parents, siblings, in-laws, etc. if you were the "more" hands-off parent and spouse in your marriage? For example, consider:
. . . if you did not get up in the middle of the night to feed your baby, but had your husband do that with a bottle, instead?
. . . if you did not immediately see to the wet diaper that needed to be changed, day or night, but just slept through the cries, left the room to do another task, or ignored it in favor of giving your phone attention?
. . . if you did not feed the baby or change him/her until your husband pointed out to you that the wailing baby needed attention?
. . . if you didn't carry the knowledge of birthdays, holidays and the follow-through to react to those with planning, gift-buying, scheduling, inviting, and reminding your spouse to "show up"?
. . . if you did not see to it that every need of your school-aged child was met in terms of supplies, clothes, homework, clubs, communications with teachers, etc., and just assumed that your spouse would take care of it?
. . . and continue this exercise with everything you do for your children, your husband and your spouse . . .
I would imagine the answer to these questions and more is that the people in your life would think you were either crazy, selfish, inept, lazy, a terrible parent, a terrible spouse . . . BUT . . . they would not ascribe those same things to your husband . . . ever.
WHY? Because eons where society (both men and women) have accepted outdated, unfair and misogynistic social norms still perpetuate to promote the notion that men are to provide financially for the family, and give some small measure of attention to their children when it does not interfere with their own personal needs, which gets them off the hook to be equal partners in the marriage, the household duties, and the rearing of children (including their physical, emotional and intellectual needs), while women do all of that, and many are required to work as well.
And, of course, we haven't even talked about women's responsibilities when it comes to taking care of aging parents, which will include her own and her husband's.
Now, of course, there are plenty of men which break this mold, and many that have been doing so for generations because, as you can see, their fathers and mothers modeled a more equal division of labor and child-rearing for them.
What are the benefits to a new view of equal responsibility for home and children amongst partners?
- Better marriages for one because one parent is not made to feel burned out, used, and taken for granted.
- Children that have better relationships with both parents because they see that both parents can be "fun," but will also take care of their needs and provide discipline. When parents cooperate in this fashion it nearly eliminates a child's impulse to play the parents against each other.
- A better transition from active parenting to empty nesters, where the parents still enjoy each other's company and because each parent acted as a team, each parent's own personal needs are more likely to be met, which include personal time to indulge hobbies, friendships, etc. Women who do it all with little support from their parents often fall apart when their kids fly from the nest because they have always made all of their time about their family.
And finally, it is not too late to change your own family role norms. It is not too late to open the eyes of the partner that falls short.