My daughter decided to stop wearing deodorant at home

[TheVividDuck]

I'm a mom of a 16 year old daughter and for some weird reasons she stopped wearing deodorant at home. She's an athlete and she works out a lot so obviously she's killing us with her smell. I have an 11 daughter and I'm married to another woman. I'm bisexual. My wife tries very hard to give a diplomatic answer but if I press, she admits my daughter's smell bothers her.
My younger daughter isn't so subtle. She makes fun of her older sister and she blatantly tells her that she stinks. I am not so harsh but I have told my daughter that she smells. She told me some things I don't believe are biologically true. She said her body will adjust and eventually she wouldn't smell anymore. She said most girls and women don't need deodorant and we only stink because we don't allow our bodies to regulate itself.
I'm honestly considering threnthen to ground her if she doesn't start using deodorant again. The idea feels authoritarian but I'm at my wits end.

I don't think it's a problem that she doesn't wear deodorant. Most deodorants are full of artificial chemicals and it's not unusual to want to avoid that.

Surely the answer is for her to shower after she's exercised. That will wash off the sweat.

I have been able to smell her armpits minutes after she walked out of the shower.

I can't independently confirm but she says she uses soap.

To be honest, my body is the same. If even if I use soap, if I don't use deodorant I smell like sweat.

If she smells within 10 minutes of showering then she's either not properly washing or she has a medical issue.

Buy a bar of old fashioned soap, a pack of flannels and send her to the bathroom to wash her armpits. Shower gel doesn't do the job unfortunately. You can wash the flannels in with the towels.

She shouldn’t smell ten minutes after a shower!

Maybe it's a genetic thing with my side of the family. We can't go without deodorant. I can use myself as an example, no matter how long and how properly I shower, I need to use deodorant or I'll stink.

It seems unlikely to me that not wearing deodorant if not going out would result in such a strong smell. A little bit of a whiff when it’s particularly hot maybe, but even with deodorant, we all get a bit whiffy in hot weather.

Grounding her is counterproductive as, from the sound of it, it’s only when she’s at home that she isn’t using deodorant, so actually, encouraging her to go out will relieve your sensitivities 😃

I mentioned to someone else, maybe it's a genetic thing. For example, both times I was pregnant I smelled extra bad. So much so that my then-husband would make comments. My mom and my aunt said the same thing happened to them.

None of my blood-relatives can do without deodorant. My wife doesn't need as to use deodorant everyday and she's not cleaner than me.

some suggestions - a salicylic or glycolic bar soap

also- maybe her hormones are having a wobble - my son goes through BO phases but we manage with soaps and crystal deodorant - works far better than the sure/dove/lynx etc.

I tend to be matter of fact about it - just like nagging him to put his shoes away/put sun cream on etc.

BO is worse when you’re hormonal - I barely need deodorant at all now I’m older - I don’t think that is my body “adjusting” just my stage of life.

Funny enough, my dd15 told me yesterday “hair should only be washed once a week, it’s bad for it to wash it more frequently and it will regulate itself if you leave it alone.”

Must be some internet thing they are all watching!

Hair is a different thing though. It will become self-cleansing after a while. I watched something about this on tv many years ago. They had two women - one didn't wash her body and the other one didn't wash her hair. The one who didn't wash her body started to smell after a few days. The one who didn't wash her hair found her hair began to clean itself after a while. It's been known for a long while that it's better to wash your hair as infrequently as possible.

The hair thing, if I'm not mistaken, is because hair will produce more sebum if washed very frequently. So 2-3 times a week is (for me) ideal, but depending on your hair type you may find you need to wash it more or less frequently than that.

Back to the matter at hand, OP, you said "for some weird reason", like it doesn't matter - but it very much does.

Is it because of chemicals in deodorants ? You could offer to buy natural products.
Is it a rebellion thing, or because she's uncomfortable with her own body ? Talk about it.

I wouldn't ground her as it'll just make her double down on it. I'd try more talking and suggest at least perfume to cover up the smell if she can't be convinced to use deo (as a short term solution - until she finds out that bodies indeed don't control the smell...)

Maybe watch a documentary together about it if the issue is false information ?

The thing about her body adjusting eventually - I assume this “theory” is based on not using deodorant at all though? Whereas you’ve said she’s only stopped using it at home - so she’s still using it when she leaves the house? So even if the theory was true, her body would never adjust anyway??

Soap is good and will remove the smell, however Shower Gel does not remove the bacteria so she will carry on smelling.

I imagine it is hormonal. I am not sweaty, but I've always had BO. Worse in the run up to my period, I reeked when I was on a pill which didn't suit me. Recently its been worse with what I suspect is the beginnings of perimenopause. Double wash pits with a flannel and glycolic soap bar helps a tiny bit. The Mitchum antiperspirant which were my go to changed and no longer worked. I am just stinky.

However, I bought a tube of Sure body deodorant for on holiday to put on my thighs to stop them rubbing. A few weeks ago in the house I used it on my underarms and I ended the day with a very slight sweat smell if I sniffed my pits. I worked up the courage to use it at work and I don't smell and neither do my tops! It is amazing, Im not wearing a cardigan anymore to hide my pit smell, i raise my arms in a tshirt at my desk next to someone! It doesn't have the stuff that works as an antiperspirant so I guess those react with me and make me sweaty? No idea but after 30 years of trying to control by stink I finally have.

Has your dd tried natural deodorants op? Might be worth suggesting.

Sorry, I realise I went on a bit about my own pits there but I'm just so happy!

My autistic son decided to do this when he was a teenager. We were just straight about it, but not rude. When he gave us a speech about unreasonable societal expectations and being natural I told him we didn't care while he was living with us!

There is a disorder linked to the FMO3 gene, but it's very rare.

Your GP would be able to advise.

https://metabolicsupportuk.org/condition/trimethylaminuria/

I used to have terrible trouble with my smell. It wasn't just bo, by the end of the day I smelled weird and bitter. And it took ages to scrub my pits clean in the shower.
I changed to using proper soap (Imperial leather) and mostly stopped using conventional deodorant. I use salt of the earth crystal instead - you just dampen it and rub it on. It kills off the bacteria causing the bad smell. It did take a bit of time to adjust (I did it in lockdown which helped!). One thing I really like though is its so much easier to wash. If I do get a bit stinky in the day I can have a quick sink wash, reapply the salt and I'm ok again. Couldn't do that before!
Anyway, very long way of saying would she consider a salt based deo as a compromise?

She’s not removing the bacteria properly. She needs to use better soap or dilute hydrogen peroxide solution.

PPs have had some good suggestions.

I imagine it upsets your partner as well.

I think you need to explain to her it's antisocial to allow herself to smell this way.

https://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-vf-gb-rvc2&source=android-browser&q=what+causes+bo+smell. Towels and clothing also needs to be washed regularly to deal with the bacteria too. I don't use antiperspirant, but haven't for decades, but towels regularly changed, real soap used, clothing washed at appropriate temperatures and I do sweat, just know that bacteria causes the smell in the majority of people. I also wear a clean bra every day. I don't smell, but am very aware when others do.

It's not fair on everyone else living there if she smells and l would tell her to sort it out with deodorant or more washing. I say that as someone who honks if she doesn't wear deodorant

She's probably showering before she's stopped sweating. If she's doing quite intense exercise she will continue to sweat for half an hour or more after she stops - so showering immediately after exercise is too soon.

If she showers daily (using bar soap ) 45 minutes after she finishes exercise she shouldn't smell unless she is sweating excessively when at rest.

just tell her shes stinks and its not fair on everyone else. The smell of BO will soon end up lingering on your furniture & fabrics too.