Who decides..?

[holysmokee]

Based on a conversation with DH about how we were raised, our own parenting style, and what we’ve seen among friends and relatives, I was wondering what the general consensus is on these topics.

It’s less about what age or the specifics, though I’d be happy to hear them, and more about whose decision you think it should be: the parents’ or the child/teen’s.

So in your household who decides:

Which secondary school they go to?
What GCSE subjects they take?
College vs sixth form, and which A Level subjects?
What hobbies they do, and when theyre allowed to quit?
If separated, which parent they live with?
When they start dating?
What their birthday parties are like?
How their bedroom looks?
What time they go to bed?
What they eat at mealtimes?
When they start wearing makeup or dying their hair?
If/When they get piercings?

Im really curious to hear how others approach these decisions in their families and will reply with my own answers if this gets some replies, so I don’t sway the discussion.

Are your children allowed an opinion? Why are you choosing what GCSE subjects they take and what hobbies they have?

When they were babies and young toddlers the buck stopped with me. I was in the trenches with three under three and I wasn't asking for opinions from the peanut gallery!

As they've got older dh became more properly involved and things are discussed more. Really it always comes down to the more involved parent. For example ds has an activity thing one night a week that dh takes him to. Ds's been really snotty lately and I said he should lose it. Dh is concerned he'll be kicked out and put his foot down as he's the one that does the work taking him and waiting for him..so fair enough.

Dd has SEND. I'm home full time with her, I organize every for her. What I say goes about school, activities, most things really. That's not to say I don't discuss with dh, but if it came down to it and we disagreed it would be up to me..

But that said they're all teens now, so their opinions are loud listened to.

You made some very big assumptions there! I’m not at all, however MIL had a say in what subjects DH took at GCSE and my close friend’s mother chose all of her subjects at GCSE and A-Level.

A lot of the parents I know chose their DC’s hobbies at some points, my own mother had me in multiple hobbies before I was fully conscious and I was not allowed to stop.

The whole reason for me and DH having this conversation is how much more choice our DC has or will have compared to when we were children.

I never even considered our opinions vs our partner/coparents opinions, thank-you for your reply it was interesting! I totally agree also, the peanut gallery made me laugh. I’m pretty lucky that DH agrees with me, practically, all of the time so while we are a team, I am the team leader. 😁

Which secondary school they go to?

Child's opinion taken into account obviously, but ultimately the parents decision.

What GCSE subjects they take?

Child.
College vs sixth form, and which A Level subjects?

Child.

What hobbies they do, and when theyre allowed to quit?

Predominantly the child, but it's up to the parents to rule out activities that aren't practical/are too expensive. I wouldn't force a childmtondonan activity if they wanted to quit, but I may insist they stick it out until the end of term/year or however much I've paid for.

If separated, which parent they live with?

Depends on the age of the child.

When they start dating?

It's up to the child. It's also up to the child whether they tell you or not.

What their birthday parties are like?

Predominantly the child, but again it's up to the parents to veto anything dangerous/room expensive/not practical.

How their bedroom looks?

Again, the child but with parents guiding on issues of expense/practicality.

What time they go to bed?

Parents up until early/mid teens.

What they eat at mealtimes?

The parents decide what to serve, the child decides what to eat.

When they start wearing makeup or dying their hair?

Predominantly the child, but guided by the parents.

If/When they get piercings?

The parents, although it can be difficult to stop a determined teen.

Thanks for the reply! I did mine the same way.

Which secondary school they go to?

I would say 60% our decision, 40% theirs- it’s something we all want to be in full agreement on ideally.

What GCSE subjects they take?

Entirely their decision. If they were super talented or super crap at something I would maybe gently encourage them one way or another.

College vs sixth form, and which A Level subjects?

Their decision 100%.

What hobbies they do, and when they’re allowed to quit?

We want to encourage as many interests as possible so it’s up to them what they want to do and when they quit but within reason. I wouldn’t make them do something that was making them unhappy even if I’d paid for it but I would encourage them to stick it out if they couldn’t be bothered.

If separated, which parent they live with?

God forbid if this were to ever happen it would be entirely their choice. I was very glad my mother let me decide where I wanted to live and who I spent time with.

What age they can start dating?

Up to them. Only they can decide when they’re ready, open conversation without judgement always available and they do talk to us like friends as well as parents.

What their birthday parties are like?

Up to them, they plan it and we bring the vision to life together. I loved planning my birthday parties as a child.

How their bedroom looks?

Also to them, and the same process but they can only fully redecorate every couple of years though because it gets very expensive! How tidy it is is up to them, I don’t care from a ‘making my house a mess’ perspective but if it’s bad I will help or clean it for them to improve their quality of life and mental wellbeing.

What time they go to bed?

Depends on the child but if they have decent habits in place I don’t micromanage. Good sleep is important but I try to let them be in charge of their routine. We’ve always had good nighttime routines because me and DH are terrible sleepers so didn’t want to pass it down, it seems to be sticking.

What they eat at mealtimes?

Their choice, we will happily cook different meals and cater to everyone’s preferences. Everyone makes decisions on the food shopping. I wouldn’t want to eat something I don’t like.

When they start wearing makeup or dying their hair?

Up to them as long as it’s not really damaging (too much bleach, frazzled) or embarrassing for them (clown makeup) I am wholly supportive. Temporary colourful hair dye in the summer holidays is fine with me at any age, along with fun makeup. In term time just whatever the school allows, I’d prefer nothing permanent but wouldn’t forbid it or anything.

If/when they get piercings?

Up to them, I would never pierce a babies ears but I’m happy for ear piercings whenever they ask consistently and can understand the pain and also the aftercare (6+). When it comes to teenagers I again go by school rules, I used to pierce my own nose I’d much rather go to a studio if it’s allowed.

My DC is only 4, but we do this together. I lead some of it like bedtime etc but things like preschool and primary school and medicine, is usually a discussion as some things we have different views on. Generally I am much more strict and he is quite easygoing.

When younger we sort of directed decisions like we joined then up to a club but thry chose to continue or not, as thry we made ultimate decisions but with them also deciding when we could, now older we initially help then they ultimately decide

I dont remember us even needing to lay down the law or go against their wishes we sort of work it out with them as we go

Within my husband and I it is usually me who makes initially the decisions on things but he always is involved with it overall we are fairly similar in the way we are raising them I would say

Which secondary school they go to?
Joint decision between parents and child.

What GCSE subjects they take?
Advice from parents, but ultimately child’s choice.

College vs sixth form, and which A Level subjects?
Child’s choice.

What hobbies they do, and when theyre allowed to quit?
When younger, parents responsibility to introduce ideas of hobbies to child, as they won’t know what might be available. But if child expresses an interest in something themselves that’s good too. Teenage, their choice what hobbies to pursue.
When to quit? When younger parents should encourage motivation, commitment, participation, not allow quitting on a whim. Perseverance is an important skill. But no one should be forced to do something they hate. When older, quitting when they feel they want to, so long as they are not a serial quitter.

If separated, which parent they live with?
50-50 between each parent unless there’s a reason not to spend time with one. Ideally, parents should be mature enough to make this work well for the child. But early teens onwards should have free choice to live where/when/how they feel most comfortable.

When they start dating?
Entirely the child’s choice.

What their birthday parties are like?
Child’s choice, but within reason and with parents agreement assuming parent is paying for it.

How their bedroom looks?
Same as above, but also child is responsible for keeping it clean and tidy as it’s ultimately the parents house.

What time they go to bed?
Parents responsibility to set, until child is old enough/mature enough to recognise themselves when they are tired and choose to sleep when they need to go. Acknowledging that you need to sleep is a really important life skill.

What they eat at mealtimes?
Ideally, whole family contribute ideas to meal planning when child old enough to contribute. Parents responsibility to ensure nutrition, health, balance when child is growing and learning about it.

When they start wearing makeup or dying their hair?
Not at all before teenage. Teenage - their own choice, but within boundaries, e.g. not at school, and age appropriate.

If/When they get piercings?
Same as above, but definitely age appropriate.

In general, I’m a fan of providing the right amount of knowledge, support, boundaries, confidence, to allow a child to feel able to make a sensible choice themselves.

Which secondary school they go to?
Not a lot of choice for me. I passed the 11+ and went to the grammar school.
DD1 chose her secondary school but she was at the feeder primary. We didn't explore many schools cos of Covid but I was more than happy with the choice.
DD2 is going to go to the same secondary school as DD1 but she explored several local schools and or a while she was quite struck with a different school. I was supportive of her alternative choice and supportive when she changed her mind.
The person with no say was Dad since he would not be doing any school runs or buying any uniform or attending parents evening or generally supporting the school rules and homework due to how little he engages with them. I just rexted him to say where they were going when they got their places.

What GCSE subjects they take?
i chose my subjects and my dad sat outside the headmistresses office until she agreed to see him so he could tell her that i had chosen my subjects and the combination was offered by the school and i wouldnt be changing them to suit her. She had had me in her office and reduced me to tears insisting that i should take Latin as well as French and German. I had said that given i didnt want to take any languages for A level this choice would narrow my options. She said, 'pifflr'.
DD1 chose her subjects with no interference from teachers or me.
Dd2 will do the same.

College vs sixth form, and which A Level subjects?
DD1 is exploring this now. We've discussed options but the choice will be hers.
I'm sure it's no surprise that also chose independently. And DD2 will too.

What hobbies they do, and when theyre allowed to quit?
I introduced them to a range of things and supported the ones they liked. Anything they've asked to try I've tried to accommodate a trial but I have had to give strict choices because I only have a finite pot of money so they can't add extra curricular stbut they are welcome to swap. Any quitting comes at a natural transition point, usually end of term but could be end of current batch of paid for sessions. So any talk of quitting is revisited after a period of time so it's a measured decision but ultimately theirs.

If separated, which parent they live with?
They were never going to live with their dad.

When they start dating?
It'll be their choice.

What their birthday parties are like?
They choose within limits so one or two friends for an activity or a group at home. They choose the theme, the activities, the invite list, the date and time. I'll guide if needed like staying within budget but it's pretty much down to them. DD1 organised hers herself this year (15) with little input from me.
I didn't have birthday parties. I was allowed to take a friend swimming or latterly ice skating or bowling and then chippy tea afterwards. Some years if I really couldn't chose who to bring I could have 2 friends.

How their bedroom looks?
Tricky one. DD1 chose hers. Bought her own bed, desk and chair. I put up her choice of wallpaper and painted the woodwork her choice of colour.
For DD2, I couldn't bring myself to use the green she chose with the beautiful blue wallpaper she chose so we left it and went back another time where I did convince her to swap to a complimentary pale blue. And I'm super glad that did cos I'm in that room now and I don't have time to change it. But it does mean that DD2 is in a room she hasn't chosen and I feel bad about that but I went full time last year and just can't fit in the extra work or redecorating. She chose her bed, wardrobe, desk, chair etc but within my budget.
As a kid I and my sister painted and stenciled our own room and stuck up the posters we wanted. Furniture was what my dad could get as cast-offs from mycousins.

What time they go to bed?
I decide. Based on their natural sleep rhythms and how much sleep they need and what time we have to get up. For DD1 now, I do leave her to it because I have to go to bed but there's no screens and the expectation is she reads then goes to sleep. She is awful without enough sleep and she's aware of this so she is quite sensible.
For me, I just remember always having a 9 o'clock bedtime. Lights were switched off you knew not toget out of bed. Unless you really couldn't sleep then you could tiptoe downstairs to the Newsnight theme tune and my dad would say, have a wee, and then he'd tuck us in again.

What they eat at mealtimes?
Me. I write a meal plan for the week and that's what's served. Lunches are a set formula that they can choose within ie some form of sandwich, wrap or pasta; one fruit, one veg, one savoury, one sweet treat. Often I'll choose the sweet and savoury based on what we've got in. Breakfast is a choice from limited options and weekend lunches are similar. They can also choose from a limited range of snacks after school. They have a lot of choice within tight rules for instance they can have any biscuits they want but it's only one on a weekday and 2 on a weekend day. Biscuits are eaten before breakfast in our house. With a cup of tea for adults and on their own of with hot chocolate for kids.

When they start wearing makeup or dying their hair?
I don't do either so I lead by example here. DD1 wears a bit most days now but DD2 is still only playing with it. Hair dying has not been a conversation yet but DD1 doesn't like to break rules and the school doesn't really allow dyed hair.
I was basically an adult when I experimented with a bit of make-up. Only dyed my hair once at uni. We had make-up for dancing but we only wore it for dancing because it was expensive.

If/When they get piercings?
DD1 chose to get her ears pierced early primary age. I forget exactly how old. And i kind of encouraged DD2 to get hers done at age 5. She had said she wanted it and I suggested she get it done so she could wear earrings when she was my bridesmaid. I'll admit I didn't dissuade them at all because their dad had said once that they'd have to wait until age 16 and I was determined not to give him that control over their bodies.
I got my ears piereced when i asked at age 8. It was my birthday present that year. My nose, top of ear and bellybutton were all done as an adult. My dad expressed how weirded out he felt about having bits of metal in you but he wasn't disapproving in any way.

Well that was cathartic! Hope it was of interest to you @holysmokee

I work in higher education. Let your kids choose their own GCSEs and A levels. There are plenty of miserable 19 year olds doing the wrong degree who should have been allowed to follow their interests.

We have adult dd so have been through it. As main parent I made a lot of the day to day decisions but we agreed jointly on big stuff so

secondary school- The catchment area we chose to live in meant the feeder school was excellent always the plan They would go there but had They felt strongly we would have made a different choice.
GSCES - they chose we advised ditto alevels
Hobbies- we encouraged didn’t enforce
Separated- me because of our set up
Dating - never discussed eldest first bf was around 17 youngest 15.
Parties- joint plan
bedroom- their choice
meals - lots of family meals, tried to encourage healthy eating habits but never forced them to eat things they don’t like.
bedtime- had set bedtime until end of GCSES
make up- think it started around 13 never a issue
piercings - ears at 11. They chose more piercings at 16. Tatoos at 18.

My experience and dhs was probably similar but more authoritative parenting about some things and no involvement in others. Parents had no investment in my gcse or a level choices. I went to the feeder school asked to move due to bullying was told no. Hobbies I danced until I was 18, parents would have been fine with me quitting. I never had parties and was expected to keep my bedroom clean and tidy no involvement in decorating. Meals were awful as I had some eating issues (similar to afrid) left me with a lot of issues. I don’t remember bed times but assume I had them. I got my ears pierced at 13. Make up probably 15, first boyfriend at 15.