Tell me it gets easier… DH working away and newborn

[newbaby25]

I’m really hoping to hear from other parents who’ve been through, or are in, a similar situation, because I’m feeling absolutely done in and could do with some advice.

I just had a baby, my eldest is 8 and my youngest is 8 weeks. DH works away during the week, so I’m on my own most of the time, and by the time he gets home, I just totally crash. It’s like I’m running on fumes all week because it’s me the kids are relying on so I can’t afford to be exhausted during the week, and when DH gets home, it’s like I crash out mentally and physically and the tiredness hits me. This then results in arguments with DH about my mood and it’s a vicious cycle.

I’m trying my best to juggle everything, which is easier now that the holidays are here and I’m not doing school runs, homework, clubs etc. But the house is a disaster, I’m struggling to plan meals and during the day I keep forgetting to eat. There are days where I just want to cry before I’ve even made it to lunchtime.

I keep telling myself it’ll get easier eventually when the baby (hopefully!) sleeps more but honestly, will it? I’ve always worked full time in a really busy job and did the clubs etc but with a baby in tow it’s so much harder. I also was planning to go back part time but it’s looking like I might have to go back full time, which I’m gutted about as I really was hoping for more time off during the week with my youngest and just generally having more time to catch up. I just really don’t know how I’ll go back to work and manage it all on my own.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I know this stage is one of the hardest and although I feel more confident with this being my 2nd baby, it’s still a shock to the system. Any words of encouragement or advice is really appreciated ❤️

Tried to edit to add this but it won’t let me. I am also having horrible intrusive thoughts when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. It’s usually that one of the boys will fall out of a window or off the side of a boat. I know these are completely irrational but it’s really distressing for me at night and I struggle to fight the thoughts! We are going on a ferry in a few weeks and all I can think about is that one of them will fall overboard.

Maybe have a chat with your midwife/health visitor, you could possibly be suffering with PND x

Im going to kindly and gently suggest you mention these thoughts to the GP or Health visitor. Possibly you have some post partum anxiety
Its very hard work being alone like this. What practical help do you have during the week?

I have a GP appointment next week about something else, but I think I will need to bring it up when I’m there. I had been doing so well at the beginning and people had commented on how I seemed to be doing well so I feel a bit ashamed now to say actually, I’m not coping anymore. Which is ridiculous I know

I don’t have much practical help really, my MIL offers to come over and sit with the baby so that I can do things but I haven’t taken her up on I because I’m struggling to keep on top of the house so I don’t really want people coming over, it’s a bit of a catch 22. My parents are also nearby and sometimes we go to their house for dinner the odd time. I think I do need to ask people for help more now though.

my MIL offers to come over and sit with the baby so that I can do things

This is the wrong way round. She should do the things while you sit with your baby.

I found once my youngest slept a few hours solidly and was in a routine it was soooo much easier, up to 12 weeks is really hard. Once they’re in a routine and you can plan your day around that it will be easier. In the meantime make it easy for yourself - convenience meals, book holiday clubs for your 8 year old, if you can afford it get a cleaner in fortnightly or weekly. Also go out - the house can’t get messy if you’re out and your mood will be so much better even just a walk and a coffee
Definitrly ask for help, I felt like I didn’t have much but when I asked people said they’d wanted to help but didn’t know how and it really helped

Your dh doesn’t have to look after anyone but himself all week. He should come home and take over and you disappear for a few hours. That will help both protect him from your ‘mood’ aka the natural reaction to being fucking exhausted because you’re doing it all on your own, and help him understand it’s a lot. Seriously if you’re not breastfeeding for the next month you should leave to sleep at your mums the night he comes back.

This is the hardest stage it will improve.

Buy ready meals.
Ask your MIL of she will do a night overnight with the baby like a 7-7
Have a "date night" we went to the nearest pub/restaurant which was a 5 min walk. Assuming you arent BF or can express put in some earplugs and get a solid block of sleep after.

Let people cone over everyone has had or has seen a slightly messy house. Or meet them in a park. Dont isolate yourself.

Talk to the gp.
Go to some baby classes- with no 2 i was at hartbeeps at 7 or 8 weeks pp

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the replies & advice. I’ve booked a GP appointment for Thursday so hopefully they can help ❤️

Well you have an 8 year old so you know it does get better...but personally, I would not be able to cope with an 8 week old by myself. My 8 week old cried and cried and cried 6pm - midnight every night and had horrible reflux. He's 11 months and still wakes 2-3 times a night.

My DH has been away a few times and it breaks me every time.

So the fact you are doing it all already means you are doing a stellar job and you are a much better mother than I am.

Take the help. All of it. MIL should come over. Parents too. Even handing him over for 20 minutes while you shower or nap will make you feel better.

Can MIL or your parents come in the evening? Because that was by far the worst time of day for me.

Can you make a 1 off cleaner booking who comes and get the house straight for you. A big shop delivered and at least feel like you are on an even keel?

that may give you the strength to tackle meal planning etc but certainly your partner can’t just waltz in and complain when you are tired after they’ve been away all week…

Only have 1 DC but DH worked away during the week when he was little and I had the same. I think its at least in part the stress from being alone, especially at night because I was worried that when I was asleep id miss something awful happening and so would be kept awake on a doom cycle. Its good you are speaking to/have spoken to your GP- just be really honest. It is hard and relentless by yourself though, any outside help such as cleaners is a big win.

OP I mean this kindly, but are you giving the impression everything is great and you are coping fine? Your MIL has offered to come round. Let her do that and hold the baby so you can get a few hours of sleep (screw the housework). It’s difficult for MILs to offer help without it being taken as a criticism so accept what she is offering.

Will your own parents step up a bit more? You said you have been round for dinner a few times, but that’s not much effort on their part. Have you talked to your Mum about how you feel?

Oh op, I'm not surprised you're finding it hard because it is super hard. I was feeling similarly tired as dh is away a lot with work (I'm on my 2nd week now) but my kids are school age so at least they sleep. You've a double whammy of a baby, and I do find a husband coming and going hard, you feel like you don't adjust to doing it all yourself, but it's then also a bit weird when they're back and joining in again. I'm not surprised you're snappy with him- he should expect you'll be exhausted rather than be annoyed.
Definitely ask for help. Ask everyone. Nobody will judge a messy house or the fact you're exhausted. Take whatever help you can get. I also think you need to try and focus on yourself as being as well hydrated, fed and rested as you possibly can be in the circumstances will help. Buy ready meals or ask your mum if she can save/prep some lunches for you to just grab from the fridge, set alarms on your phone to eat, even if it's just a cereal bar. Ask MiL to take the baby for a walk or out for a coffee rather than sit in, then you'll get genuine peace for a nap or a shower. Pay for whatever you can afford- cleaners, easy food, a mothers help etc. Maybe see if the 8 yr old can go for dinner and a play date one or two nights a week so you only have to feed yourself (if you're friends with any school mums - or can one of them pick him up or bring him home some days so you don't do the school run). It takes a village and you're already 1 member down so take whatever you can.

It will get better, hopefully the GP can help. You've got this.