Toddler tantrums: what are yours like?

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I’m trying to get a sense of how other toddlers experience tantrums because my 3 year old is struggling (and so are we!). Sorry for the inquisition!

How often do tantrums happen for your toddler? How long do they normally last and what snaps them out of it? What tends to trigger them (if anything) and what makes it worse? How severe are they, and what tends to happen during them?

Finally, how in the world do you handle them?!

My son tried tantrums a couple of times before the age of about 2 and a half. If it was at home I just ignored him and carried on with what I was doing. It had no effect on me. Once he tried it in the park and I carried him out over my shoulder and took him home.

He’s nearly 4 now and never tantrummed since.

I do see some friends with young children struggle with utterly hellish tantrums and I do think a lot of it is just the temperament of the child which is out of your control. However… having said that, I do also see some truly pointless parenting tactics that don’t help and only make matters worse. Pandering, bargaining, ridiculous unenforceable threats. “Stop that… please stop that… you’re not listening to me… if you don’t stop that you’re getting no tv for the rest of the week… that’s it your brother is getting chocolate when we get home and you’re not.” The kids have all the control kicking up an almighty scene while the parents flounder.

Now, my son doesn’t tantrum but he sure as hell can have his moments of unacceptable behaviour. Whatever it might be I remove him from the situation before speaking to him. So if it was in a cafe, I take him outside, if it was in the swimming pool, I remove him out of the pool and off to the side. Only then do I get down on his level and speak to him and lay his options out. I explain what behaviour is expected and what the consequences will be if I don’t see a change. There’s no point trying to reason and bargain with them if they’re fully the centre of attention causing havoc with everyone watching. Take them physically out of the space where the behaviour is happening and then speak to them.

A full blown ridiculous tantrum though? At home- ignore. Outside- remove and ignore.

When dd was 3 it was daily. Over not much. Just seemed to need to blow out! Only with me / DW and generally at home. Lasted about 10 minutes usually. Then all fine.

Now shes 5 its much better! Hang in there!

3 year old DS has about 4 a week , involves hitting and throwing whatever is in sight. It’s pretty miserable. Lasts under 5 minutes but it’s intense whilst it lasts!!! He is on a waitlist for autism assessment (for a whole list of traits) so he may well not be the norm here. Interested to see others responses to your OP

Thanks for sharing @Tireddadplus and @clinellwipe. That’s interesting. We’ve also got some concerns about possible SEN, but if that’s the case we’re not worried so much as keen to know how to adapt to support her. I’m really curious about frequency and duration because it’s really ramped up recently. DD can have up to 3 a day, and they can last anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour. I think it’s quite extreme. She’s also experiencing a fairly pronounced regression with potty training (still uses the loo and self initiates but multiple wee accidents and leaks a day).

We had another baby six months ago and I think some of the behaviour is due to that, but also she’s been told she’s going to a new preschool. She’s excited but I think the imminent change is affecting her. I guess they have so little control over their lives at that age and they really to fight to claw some from us.

I should add, no biting or hitting during the tantrums, but she does push and flail about. She has just started throwing the odd thing but it is like she knows she shouldn’t, so not totally out of control. She was pulling on her brother’s leg earlier while I was carrying him (she wanted me to put him somewhere) and would not stop; I removed her multiple times. She’s a bit like the terminator once she knows you don’t want her to do something.

We thought we had smashed toddler parenting as DS1 didn’t have a single tantrum at 1 or 2.

Then 3 hit. Oh boy.

Ha! DDs been having them since 14 months. I’ll never forget the first one. We thought she’d been possessed. 😂 I’m praying DS is a bit more chill!

We thought ourselves incredibly lucky when we really didn’t have tantrums when LO was 2, when lots of peers were dealing with theirs throwing themselves on the floor etc. Since they have turned 3 they have been worse. It’s more frustrating because LO is such a good talker and good at communicating, so why do they feel the need to tantrum.

I’ve found that cutting TV back to a minimum (no other screens), and really making an effort to have play time/connection makes all the difference. I think the tantrum is them not feeling heard and if you find the time to connect and listen, it does really help. Easier said than done with life, stuff to do and other kids 🙃

i should add that DS’ tantrums have ramped up since DD was born 11 weeks ago! He’s very VERY clingy, wants 1:1 attention constantly. Has also just started properly doing imaginative play with figurines and so wants me to play CONSTANTLY. Almost wish he was more interested in TV etc 🫠 My understanding is that 3 is a difficult age in terms of pushing boundaries and big emotions, it’s a huge change for them with a new sibling, and in our case especially with potential SEN it’s very difficult for him to regulate himself with all of this.

interestingly though he has never hurt the baby, he reserves it just for us!

With DD we never had the tantrum stage at ages 1 or 2, 3 and then 4 was WILD. I had her sister when she was 3.5 and tantrums got slightly worse and more frequent and they peaked when my youngest was 8 months. I read somewhere at the time that 6-8 months after welcoming a new sibling is when they realise the permanence of it and emotions and behaviour can be very unsettled while they come to terms with that, it was certainly true for us anyway. She's now 5 almost 6 and tantrums are rare these days, I'm prepping myself for round two as we hit 2.5 years with my youngest, she doesn't tantrum often yet but her temperament is completely different to my eldest and she is very fiery so I'm fully expecting a rough ride lol

I’m very fortunate that a tantrum with my dd who is also 3 is very rare luckily. I remember my eldest had a lot more tantrums

@Brbreeze I know what you mean about communication. My 3 year old is very articulate, even about her feelings at time! But I guess they’re still totally overwhelmed by emotions and how confusing they can be. Poor things!

@strawberrywishes thank you so much for reminding me of the 6-8 month sibling stage. I’d read something like it too and forgotten but it makes sense things are intensifying. DS is becoming his own person and commanding more engagement from us but he’s still not a playmate for her. She loves him and is so keen for him to interact with her but she’s also very jealous of him.

I think my style of extreme helicopter parenting didn’t help matters when dd was 4 and younger…trying to fix it with the wrong suggestions just made it worse! New baby seems to wind up a 3 year old as well. Who knows! I would wait a bit before you start to worry. Survive til 5 and all that!

Just had a loooong and shouty discussion about what 5 yo DD is not eating for dinner…but its more arguing that tantruming nowadays! Good luck!