Feel like I'm not needed anymore

[SpencerGarciaGideon]

I have a 15 year old and an 11 year old. I'm in my late 30s.

I'm really struggling to cope lately with the fact that my kids are growing up. Obviously I know it has to happen and I'm thankful that they've grown into great, kind and well rounded people.

However, I feel like I'm not needed anymore. I used to look forward to the school holidays. DH would be working and I would be off so I'd take the kids on day trips. They loved the bus journey to a nearby town. We'd go to a museum, woodland walks, visit pet shops and sweet shops, lots of parks. Lots of walking.

Now they just want to sit on their computers or they go out with their friends. We do still have family time. Board games, quizzes etc. But my mummy time seems to be in the past.

How do we get through this? People keep saying it won't be long til I have grandkids and I'll love them just as much. My DD is more interested in her career goals than a baby any time soon. Which is great. I'd rather she not be a teen mum. (No offence Intended to anyone who is)

Naturally, I want another baby but it's probably not the best idea. It wouldn't be for selfish reasons. I'm surrounded by kids daily, they are my life. So I feel another would be a joy. I just worry as I'm older now that it might be a lot harder.

What did you do to get over this feeling of just being a cleaner and a cook instead of being needed by the kids who are your whole world?

I haven't gone through this as a parent yet, but when I was younger, the bond usually came back. That is, for those who had a close relationship with their parents before they were teenagers.

What I remember was that as a kid, a trip with mum is great... then as a teenager it is the embarrassing/unappealing, but then if you get through all that with your relationship intact, you get to your early 20s, the embarrassment/desperation of teenage life has gone, and you start to actually appreciate what your parents did for you - and all of a sudden, family time, a coffee/trip with your mum, isn't a bad thing, and the bond gets closer again, even without grandkids.

My sister got a dog at this point. My children are going and I’m looking foward to having more freedom.

I haven't gone through this but i think of parenting a bit like climbing the career ladder.

At entrylevel/ exec level... its hard yards and grunt work 0-3
Then you are manager Ad and its all busy work and client meetings / day trips to legoland 🤪(4-11)
Then you are director vp and you are just overseeing the dept.... there's a lot of scrolling on the internet and doing nothing much... Until a crisis arises then BOOM!! You need to swoop in and bring your expertise to help your kids

You are still needed just in a different way.

Do you perhaps need to change the things you do so instead of a bus trip to twin maybe a theme park? At around this age we got unlimited passes to the local Theme Park so we could go together of they could go with friends.

Try fewer trips but different ones, so maybe a trio to the beach, a day out and take a friend along?

There will be a fair bit of time when they’re on their phones or out with friends but they will appreciate you being there the rest of the time.

DH doesn't like dogs so that's not happening. He said he'd rather have another child!

It is hard, but their needs change. They do and will need you very much, just differently. When my DS was v young a friend told me about the importance of having your own things going on, Do you have other things you do for yourself outside the family?

Mine are adults now, and I love it. Gone are the teenage sulks and tantrums, where I'm an embarrassment. They still need me, I'm the first person they phone when they need to talk or advice. You're definitely still needed, just in a different way.

No. I've been a stay at home mum for a few years and don't have many friends so I suppose its more about me being lonely and bored. I'm due to start work soon though so hopefully that helps.

That will definitely help. And try to maybe find a hobby you can do. Build up slowly. You’re not alone feeling like this

Yes definitely start to try and build up some things for you. There are usually some MNers in angst when their DC move away to Uni. If you start some activities for yourself now you’ll hopefully have a good balance of being at home and out socially by the time they’re ready to move onto the next stage

Have you thought about fostering?
You seem an ideal candidate!

I would love to and have looked Into it but they require a spare room for the foster child. We don't have one. Also moving isn't an option at the moment as we're just living on the breadline.

My eldest is this age and I definitely still feel very much needed. Probably more than when they were little actually.

There’s two things here: (1) Just because they want to sit on their phones or computers the whole time doesn’t mean they get to. Our school holidays are still beach trips and picnics and shopping trips and we go hiking and camping and wild swimming, to the cinema, out for breakfast. I tend to take one at a time when it’s possible, so we actually get to talk and it’s not just dragging everyone around on a day out. You don’t have to do things that cost money either.

(2) Secondly, one thing they really need to see at this age is you modelling being a healthy happy grown up. You can teach them how to do things (how to cook, how to wash their own clothes), but also how to be. What are you passionate about? What do you enjoy doing? Go do it in this time off you have. One thing I came away from my childhood seeing was my mum never having any interests or passions. It was work and home. She never played a sport, had a hobby, didn’t read books (except diet ones 🙄), didn’t go do fun things with friends. I had to sort of learn what NOT to do from watching her. But I think it’s so much better to just see a happy adult life modelled for you.

I understand where you're coming from. To be honest, having been a housewife/homemaker for years, I've lost all interest in things I used to enjoy. I really love being at the beach but it is a 3 hour journey via public transport so not really something I want to do. DH takes us in the car when he is able. Otherwise, all I do is read and watch TV. Small rural village, no clubs, groups etc.

BTW, the kids often say I'm an "awesome" mum and they don't feel embarrassed by me. It's just that there isn't much that they can do within public transport distance that they're interested in anymore, i.e. too big to play in the parks.