At a loss with my 3 year old

[Thegreatescape12345]

I'll preface this with the fact I have just been signed off work with (mostly work related) stress, and started on some anti anxiety medication. So I feel like I need some outside perspective to know if it's just me that's the problem, or whether this is actually really hard.

I also REALLY NEED practical tips. Help me please 🙏you mums on here always seem to have invaluable advice.

My 3 year old has always been very strong willed, and I'm used to dealing with this and setting firm boundaries where needed, and following through with consequences.

Lately though every single morning and every single bedtime is an absolute battle. Despite her choosing her clothes the night before, she doesn't want to get dressed, doesn't want what she picked on, doesn't want to clean teeth. Every night she will run outside into the garden the second I mention it's time to get ready for bed. She will cry and wail when I try to enforce it, for absolutely sodding ages. I don't give in to it - but it's made me late for work, it's making my mornings miserable and stressful, and it's making me an awful person. I'm way past the strategies - phrasing things in a non demanding way, giving 2 choices, giving no choices, sing songs, rewards, consequences, making it fun. My poor 6 year old is good as gold and just gets ready, and I feel fucking horrible that all my attention is needed to get her sister to be ready to leave, or risk us all being late. Even when we get up earlier, the crying and carrying on just drags on longer!

She's at the point she will stare me in the eye and do the opposite of what I've said. Don't judge me but I've resorted now to physically having to dress her, holding her down to get teeth done, and have sent her to nursery with no shoes on as I'm just so absolutely done with the "I DON'T WANT TO". Immediate consequences don't seem to work, and she doesn't give a shit about natural consequences.

There's only so much crying I can take, and the tantrums and streaming tears every morning and bedtime are really overwhelming me. I can't not get her ready as I have to get eldest off to school on time. At least I don't have to get to work!

Please tell me what might help, as at this point I'm at a complete loss.

Also just to add, DH does help mornings / bedtimes - we often alternate - and she's just the same with him.

At that aged I picked out 3 outfits for my daughter every other day which gave her 6 combination of tops and bottoms and that helped as there was choice but not unlimited. I also had a basket for rejected clothes and if she decided she didn't want the outfits she could get something from the basket too - also saved me the hassle of putting the same clothes away continuously! I've been there with wrestling her in clothes and forced teeth cleaning too. My daughter has reflux and it has damaged one of her molars so teeth brushing is crucial for her. We have success with using YouTube videos whilst we brush her teeth. We started with tooth cleaning videos but we have had all sorts from how to make colourful fresh pasta and how to make wax crayons.

Could you switch up your morning routine. Once my daughter was in school and we had to do breakfast as well as getting her dressed, she previously had breakfast at nursery, we had many more disagreements getting her dressed before breakfast but by doing breakfast first made things much smoother. She's not a morning person and takes time wake up and settle into the morning.

I'd lock the door to outside ahead of bedtime so there's not option to get out. We found bedtimes better after this age by spending more time in her bedroom so we had some quiet activities like jigsaws in her room we did these earlier in the day as well as before bedtime going up a little be earlier to do a jigsaw helped avoid some of the confrontation at bedtime

“So I feel like I need some outside perspective to know if it's just me that's the problem, or whether this is actually really hard.”

It is actually really hard.

No tips, just solidarity from the mum of a similar 3 year old girl.

Thanks, I'm not sure about having more choice of outfits as I know she will just reject them all and want to get something different out of the wardrobe! But I'll definitely try geting her to pick the pile she wants from the 5 I lay out before taking it down, instead of me just bringing down the pile we agreed on the night before.
We usually go downstairs and do breakfast then they get dressed downstairs. Even getting her to sit and eat the breakfast without getting up or fidgeting with a toy until it goes soggy and she doesn't want it anymore is a bloody battle!
Maybe I'll do toast or pancakes for a while. I did start doing visual timers to try and speed up the ridiculous eating times (she was taking like half an hour for a bowl of cereal because she was messing about but then crying every time I took the bowl away) so maybe I'll start that again and then ignore the crying when the timer goes off!

Such hard work. I hate this age!! My DD1 was similar at 3 but nowhere near to this level.

Thanks. I just feel like I'm a horrible mum all the time because she won't do what she's told, but we have to do it anyway, so failing reasoning with her (impossible obviously) there's been a lot of consequences and sometimes shouting, and every day tears and more tears. I wish there was an answer!

My friend's daughter was the exact same at that age and is now a lovely teenager. She used to demand to change what was picked out for her. My friend stood her ground and it took awhile but she changed for the better.

She's seriously stressed out which is the problem. She's basically switched into flight or fight mode as a survival tactic. It might seem like what your asking of her is simple but for her is isn't and she's fallen into the habit that 'at this time everything gets stressy so I need to be in fight mode'.

It's going to take a while to break this mode she's in. Language will play a big part of this so minimise what your asking of her, don't give her choices, just get her dressed yourself perhaps while she's watching TV. Minimise transitions and demands as much as possible.

Speak simply and slowly and get on her level - she's still very little and processing what your saying does take work, the different ways you say the same thing, the more she needs to work at processing, the more stressed shes going to feel. Pair this with an increasingly frustrated tone and she's at break point really.

Try to keep things positive, fist bumps, high fives, "line dot electric shock" between jobs e.g. cooperating with getting each clothing item on. Try and remember she's in survival mode rather than she's being obnoxious, that's not a reflection of your parenting it's just a primitive emotional reaction that she isn't mature enough to understand.

One tactic in any situation with toddlers is to give them the choice between 2 options which are both acceptable to you. Not sure why it works but it does, maybe it gives them the feeling they are in control, and also they learn to make decisions for themselves.
(It also works with adults btw)

Update: Lol, exact opposite suggestion to other reply to not give them a choice, but for me its about doing what works, specially if you are both already stressed out!

It can be that hard. My youngest was like that. I used to leave her in PJs in the buggy under a cosy toes to take my other daughter to school, as she’d calm tight down after school drop off when things felt less pressured to her. Or get her dressed the night before and put to bed in clothes…. You’re basically waiting this phase out, don’t feel you need to ‘win’ all the battles as she will eventually grow out of it. But yes, when there’s somewhere to be you will have to wrestle her into clothes, seatbelts etc at times, it’s about trying to set things up so it’s necessary less often. It will pass！

Also, sensory issues were part of the issue for my daughter. Very soft, comfortable leggings helped, seamless stretchy socks etc. She hated pants with annoying elastic. We often skipped pants entirely as they sometimes bunched up under her leggings… which resulted in stripping

I don’t have any advice other than to say that I feel your pain, my 3 year old DD is exactly the same at the moment and it’s draining, trying and exhausting. My older 2 weren’t as challenging as this so it’s new territory. Hang in there!

I hear you
Im.emotionally exhausted

1 meltdown because her cereal was in the yellow bowl and not the pink

What's the do everything herself, including thinkong she can drive the car lols

Send wine!

They are here to test us

Hugs lovely xx

No advice but as a mum to 3 year old girl also this sounds all too familiar. They are so strong willed and test their boundaries with us constantly, my DD still runs off in car parks every chance she can!

So I feel you, it’s hard and I can only hope 4 is a better age where they she’ll actually start understanding safety danger getting lost etc xx

I've seen a similar situation on the Nanny programme. After the first refusal of getting dressed she was just put in the car and taken to nursery in her pj's. Would that bother her ? The child on the programme was very bothered and never refused again . It seems like a power struggle and she's winning . I know its h ard ( mum of 4 ) but I think things were easier when I had kids because we were a lot more firm .

When my first DS was that age I genuinely thought he might be insane. By the time my second hit that stage I had learned to just put him somewhere safe and ignore him totally till he stopped. This is of course harder if you're trying to dress them to get to nursery, though leaving extra time helps. But as far as you can, simply do not engage when they are tantruming. This too shall pass. Amazingly, both my children seem sane now. (There was admittedly another blip in their teens but at least they could talk and I could remember being a teen...)

My second child is 3. When I am getting him ready for nursery, I find having set "stations" for the morning routine really useful.

Station 1 - stand on the toilet seat. Teeth brushed. Face washed.

Station 2 - stand on a small chair in his room. Get dressed here, socks, hair brushed.

He's allowed to play for a bit whilst I get ready for work, do his sisters hair etc.

Station 3 - sit on the kitchen counter- shoes on, coat on, snack in hand until we leave (else he bickers and quarrels with my daughter).

All of these stations work because he cannot easily get off them and run off. Nor can he bounce on them. Any screaming, crying I just ignore. I allow him 20 minutes screen time of games of he gets ready without a fuss.

He's also super slow at eating breakfast. On those occasions I sit him at Station 3 and feed him as I potter around the kitchen.

And yeah, if need be take them to nursery in PJs. Don't worry, the carers there will know why! 🤣 it's not as though day clothes and PJs are that distinct anyway at that age. Or when you have the time and energy pick her up and let her choose from what's in her wardrobe, even if it's a pink tutu or a swimsuit. Either way, don't despair. This too will pass and no one who has ever seen a toddler will blame you. I cherish the memory of the time my 3yo had a massive tanyrum in a restaurant and I whisked him outside, where he carried on for a good 15 minutes that felt like 15 hours. Turned out we were near a taxi rank and every middle aged male driver looked across, winked at me and thumbs-upped. When he was done , I picked him up, kissed him, asked if he was feeling better and carried on. You won't usually have a live audience ir the time for this. But never forget we are all here virtually winking and thumbs-upping you.

As long as she is wearing clothes I wouldn't care

After a week of that nonsense she'll be begging to brush her teeth too.

Sometimes the more you insist, the more they rebel

Also, the night before is basically a lifetime ago for a three year old

Spur of the moment all the way

😂