Dealing with ex having a new gf?

[Baileysandx]

Hi ladies

how do you deal with your ex having a new partner which means a mother figure in your child’s life?

my ex only sees DD once a week. I haven’t agreed to up the time and he hasn’t asked. this now seems like a perfect arrangement as I wouldn’t want this person around my child anymore.

He spends most of the time with his new partner which is fine as was told this was just a casual fling. But I have since today been made aware by mutual friends that this person is now a big part of his life.

we agreed to meet new partners before introducing to DD. However I’ve since been sent videos of this person from social media where she is a big part of family events and functions, meaning she’s likely to be around DD without my knowledge. DD is still young only 18 months, so I’m not comfortable with a new mum coming into her life.

it’s really upset me and I feel sick. We were together for a long time - 10 years - he left me for this woman which makes it worse. She is a party animal and the outfits are to be desired. Definitely not a role model I’d want for my young daughter.

how do you cope with this? I have been dating myself but extremely sensible about not introducing anyone to DD until I’m absolutely certain and I’m extremely picky with who I date as ultimately will one day be somewhat a father figure.

i guess I just feel a bit put out at the thought of my DD having a new mum.

I think before you call other people bad role models, you ought to look closer to home.

What she wears is nothing to do with you.
She's not a "new mum".
No you're not dating to look for a "father figure".

To be honest you seem very hypocritical and judgemental.

I mean this kindly but you are jumping the gun here.

Your ex’s new gf will be seeing dd once a week at most and might not want to jump into parenting straight away. I realise that you might think that based on your ex being lazy and the type to ask his gf to mother your child but it doesn’t make her a mother.

While I accept that you might be shocked that things are more serious than he told you, the likelihood of this happening was very high and I would wait to see how they behave before worrying. You are your child’s mother and should feel more confident about that fact and not assume that the new gf wants to compete with you.

DD isn’t getting a new mum. Your frame of mind is all wrong. You’re very judgemental of this woman and that’s probably because he left you for her.
If his gf is a big part of his life that unfortunately has very little to do with you, you said ‘it’s fine’ when you thought it was a casual fling but he doesn’t need your ok or it’s fine on who he dates.

Your DD has contact with her dad once a week. There is no ‘new mum’ lol. Live your life, ignore what he gets up to and cross your fingers this new woman of his is a good’un. Since you can’t pick your exes new partners, believe me, a ‘mother figure’ (however not a new mum- you are the only one) is no bad thing. Hopefully she will love your child and vice versa.

You'll always be her mum, the new girlfriend isn't a "new mum", especially if she's only going to be seeing your daughter once a week at most! (Also dating isn't shopping for future father figures so knock that right on the head!)

Don't let the fact that your ex left you for this woman cloud your judgement of her or make you spiteful - if she's going to be a part of your daughter's life better to have her on side than see her as the enemy. Which I appreciate is easier said than done, but you must try. Stop judging what she wears or what she chooses to do in her free time, that doesn't benefit anyone and makes you come across bitter and jealous. And at 18 months I doubt your daughter is going to be influenced by her choice of outfit anyway!

This is all part and parcel of figuring out co-parenting I'm afraid. It's not easy, there are roadblocks, it will be frustrating and annoying at times. But you'll never not be your little girl's mum no matter who her dad introduces into her life.

Ok @Baileysandx

I mean all of this with the best of intentions....

1. Your hurting & I get that if he has cheated on you etc and with the same women you have every right to be hurt & angry. BUT what you don't have is the right to make your DD relationship with her Dad difficult or prevent contact (your post seems to insinuate that you will) just to hurt him back as this will only hurt your DD in the long run.
2. the new GF is not your DD's mum and will not take your place or role and actually might be a positive influence who will grow to love, care & nurture you DD and no child can ever have too much love.
3. your not dating for a father figure, her DD has her dad let him be that and you should enjoy your time when DD is with her dad doing what you want, dating, going out with friends, having a warm brew haha whatever you want to do. Don't
4. what business is it of yours what your ex is doing or who he's doing it with? If he cheated he shown his colours so isn't worth the time or effort, I understand you have a child together but as long as your child is safe, loved, secure & cared for in her dads care then what he does is not your business anymore.

Stop stressing it & focus on your DD & you.

I get you're hurt, but you're dating why can't he?

In a way it’s better that he dates someone who is very different to you- it proves that you and him were incompatible.

He spends most of the time with his new partner which is fine as was told this was just a casual fling. But I have since today been made aware by mutual friends that this person is now a big part of his life.

he left me for this woman which makes it worse.

Okay I am REALLY confused by this. He left you for a casual fling?

Anyway, she is not your DD's mum, or a mother figure and never will be. She is her father's girlfriend. Maybe eventually she might be her stepmother, but you DD has only one mum and that's you.

He is the father. You have zero right to even have an opinion on his life unless it puts the kids at risk. You don't have to meet the new partner. He is not required to get your permision. What is wrong with you?

@JillianFife Excuse me? How can you possibly think it’s acceptable to have no knowledge of who is around your children especially when they’re so young and can’t even talk or tell you anything. What an odd mindset.

Your job is to make sure people around your kids are safe.... just as it is for the father. His job to vet people he brings around. You have no control over an x. It's crazy to think you do

This was the kind of tough love o needed to hear. Thank you ❤️ @JudgeBread

So, similar happened to me. Sometimes they do want to play happy families and that involves behaving like 'mum'. My exes new partner actually encouraged my children to call her mummy. Nice. I get the judgement. I have certainly judged the behaviour of my ex and his new partner as their behaviour has been abhorent. It's hard having someone with entirely different values around your child.

However, and I mean this kindly, there is nothing you can do about it. For the time he has your daughter he can pretty much do as he pleases and it's the hardest thing there is. All you can do is protect your daughter's peace for the time she's with you. Be there for her as much as you can. Instill the values you hold dear and hope for the best.

I have to bite my tounge a lot. But it's all about what your daughter needs and then finding an appropriate space for you to rage, cry, do what you need to. I ended up in therapy as it was all just so hard.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard and awful. But you will get through and it will get easier to hear, although never less infuriating!

@Eastofnowhere thank you so much this is so kind and reassuring. I really appreciate your message and I have taken your comments on board.