Imbalance of childcare. Are my feelings valid or am I being unreasonable?

[Clueless0107]

Hi, I’m brand new to mumsnet so I’m sorry if I’m starting this thread all wrong… I’m just looking to talk to other parents about things I’m struggling with because I’m feeling like I’m going a bit crazy at the moment! So please be gentle with me :)

to give context I’m a new mum, I have a 14 month old and I’ve just finished mat leave and I'm adjusting to returning to work. I work 3 days in the nhs and my husband is a head teacher, he is full time and I appreciate his job is very demanding. I’ve struggled with the inflexibility of his role for quite some time, but having a child has exacerbated it. I have a large caseload myself, my role is also pretty full on and I’m also doing all drop offs/pick ups because husband has morning and after school meetings.

This week has triggered strong feelings of anger/resentment for me that I’m struggling to swallow down and I’m feeling like maybe I’m also being unreasonable but I just can figure it out… I really needed some extra support due to taking on some difficult cases, I asked hubby if he could be 5 mins late for a morning meeting and drop off little guy just on one day. This would afford me an extra hours work to get myself in a good place and relieve some stress, but he was adament that he could not even adjust his meeting time for 5 mins because ‘all the teachers will have to wait for me’. I asked him whether he could just give them a heads up and tell them it starts at 8.20 instead of 8.15am? It was just a flat no. He told me I was being unreasonable and over the top when I expressed that I felt frustrated and stuck in the rigidity of his job.

for context, he is a great dad when he is home and helps loads with the cleaning and house chores. He adores our son and has been very good with him since he was born, helping in the night where possible. So this makes me feel super guilty when I feel so angry. He has always just worked such long hours so the mental, physical and emotional load of parenthood feels so primarily on my shoulders, and without even a little bit of flexibility I feel trapped in the dynamic. During the school holidays of course it all calms down and he is also in a much better place and things feel easier. But during term time - which can be long and of course for most of the year, it doesn’t feel balanced at all. I also feel like he just can’t or chooses not to understand the intensity that can create, often becoming instantly defensive and then I feel even more misunderstood. I think if he could even just acknowledge it I’d feel better, but he doesn’t.

I feel like I should be able to just accept this as I am the mother, but I’m really struggling in the aloneness. We don’t have any grandparents living nearby to help either.

A headteacher will have a deputy, or deputies, and possibly assistant head teachers any of whom could start the meeting. If he runs meetings properly and has an agenda they just start with item Number 1. I think that the early morning briefing is possibly the easiest thing on a head teachers daily to do list.

My OH was a headteacher of a huge school. He used to get in at 7.00 am to get everything prepared for the day and couldn’t just rock up 5 minutes late, and let’s be fair it will be probably more than 5 minutes waiting around to hand over at nursery, more traffic etc. so I think YABU to expect this. He obviously contributes in many other ways. Maybe employ a childminder to do drop offs.

As HT, he sets the time of the morning meeting. So he could change it, so then he wouldn't be late for it. It's nearly the end of term, now's the time to make any changes to be implemented in September. So tell him either he can change the meeting time, or he can make arrangements for early morning childcare as you won't be available on ( just) one day a week. It's not as if you are saying you want the time to lie in, it's to accommodate your work.

I see both sides- I don’t think a HT can change a meeting start time at the last moment unless it’s an emergency. However he should look at when he can tweak his schedule to do pick up or drop off.

My DH earns double me and arguably has the more important job but does his fair share of drop off/pick up/ferrying to activities because he is an equal partner.

Yes this. He’s the boss so he sets the time? Certainly meetings where I’m the senior one and chairing I decide what time they start!

When I chair a team meeting, I decide when it starts (and finishes) - it’s easy - just amend the meeting invite.

i take it your child goes to a term time only nursery so he picks up the children in the holidays?

I agree with several that you have a logistics issue, not (from the sound of it) a husband issue. Of course he can’t be late to his own meeting but you need to step back and look at the whole picture. Would you do better working 4 shorter days? Having a nanny so you don’t have a nursery run? Finding a childcare solution from 730-8? There’s something in here that isn’t working out if you’re struggling this much with the current plans.

I paid extra to have an early start at nursery so my kids could get dropped at 730 instead of 8. Maybe there’s a solution you haven’t considered yet.

The deputy head can take/start the meeting on occasion.

However, what is the dynamic during the holidays? Does he pick up all and I mean all of child and home related responsibilities on your working days?

I'd be inclined to tell him that as of next week, starting Monday, he will be responsible for taking DS to nursery one day a week. If he refuses, pick a day for him and its non negotiable. Give him ample warning of this new arrangement.
On the said day, make sure you leave the house a minimum of 30mins before him.
Your DS will be safe, his dad is a head teacher.....
He will be forced to parent that day. He won't like it. It will probably cause a massive row but he cannot keep belittling your role within the household.
You are enabling the behaviour by continuing to do all of the parenting.

Agree.

It is unreasonable to expect him to change his meeting schedule every week, because it won't just be his schedule that has to change to accommodate it. E.g. It could be the entire teaching staff team. Now that 5 minutes is no longer 5 minutes, it is 5 minutes per person impacted.

I'm glad I'm not your partner! The imbalance here!

You're suggesting the DH is working full time/5 days and doing 50% of everything, and the OP works part time/3 days and also does 50% of everything.

I think it’s probably more the fact they have to be finished by 9 for the start of school day rather than I’m more important so I’ll start what time suits me
so it wouldn’t be so much altering the time to start it would be cutting short the as need to be done and dusted by 9 rather than finish 5 minutes later because you started 5 minutes later

Doesn’t work like that in a school because there are, you know, lessons that start at set times.

No different from businesses with time schedules but not difficult to start a meeting five minutes late and end on time or someone else opens the meeting for you. Time management.

Haven’t rtft

both your jobs are not too flexible but the issue isn’t the jobs it’s your husband.

stop asking, start telling.

and mean business…
i think quite a few women have on occasion put their coat on and just left their husband in the house with the baby once or twice to ram the message home

Well yes obviously @rwalker I think we all understand how schools work. So you have a 5 minute shorter meeting - but the point is he’s in charge of it as the Head. So completely unreasonable to not cut it very slightly short one day per week.

And I agree with a pp - it’s always the bloody man. A female Headteacher would no doubt find a way to manage her parenting responsibilities but for this man it’s not possible it seems.

@Makingpeace

It's absolutely fair that each partner does 50%.

I understand that working short hours in a school, 5 days a week is full time employment.
However, working 3 days a week in NHS (depending on the role) is often equal hours to the short 5 days a week job? i.e working 3 12.5 hr shifts is 37.5 hrs, and so is working for 5 x 7.5hr days?

It's the hours spent working, not the amount of days that matter! Also, HE has all those school holidays, (13 weeks per year ! ) but SHE will still be working ffs.

Yet you would argue that just because her working days are less, despite actually likely working equal hours per week, SHE should be doing MORE household and parenting than him???

How on earth is it fair for one parent to do more if they are both working equal hours at work?

If their working hours per week differ significantly, then fair enough to make up the difference in hours with childcare/housework etc, but that also means that when he's on holiday, HE picks up a lot more childcare and housework too?

It's his attitude when there are scheduling issues therefore a need to find a solution, that shows OP who he is, and consequently, exactly where she stands.

His job is NOT more 'important' than hers, yet he still simply says 'no' when there's a scheduling issue to sort between them because he still sees it as HER problem to 'manage' ?? That's just simple misogyny I'm afraid.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned on this thread but is there a way to check whether nursery can take him earlier? Our nursery starts at 8am but we’re able to pay a little extra to drop him off at 7am which can be done on an ad hoc basis.

I don’t agree with his inflexibility by the way, I just thought it may be an option given you’re under so much pressure at the moment and he’ll be able to do the drop off at that time.

Agree with everyone else.

He’s not there to help, he’s there to do.

He’s in charge at school so he can change a meeting to any time he likes (starting 5 mins later will simply cut out 5 mins unnecessary waffle).

I’ve worked in 3 schools. Regarding morning meetings:
School 1 = Mondays only
School 2 = Monday and Thursday
School 3 = Mon/Wed/Fri 😭

If you split over this he’ll have to manage sole 24/7 childcare half of every week alongside his job. Put the wind up him and remind him of that! And make sure your contraception is watertight.

They quite obviously aren’t working equal hours though if the OP starts after and finishes before her DH.
She isn’t doing 12 hour shifts so it’s irrelevant that some people do.

It is unprofessional to move meeting times last minute. I’ve I had gone into work early for a meeting with the head and was then told it was starting late because the head couldn’t get in on time, I would lose a bit of respect for that person and be annoyed that they were late. I agree with your husband, you can’t expect to change arrangements like this on the morning they happen, but if there are other occasions you need your DH to do the nursery run, you can plan it. It is normal that the bulk of it is on you when you work part time.

OP can your DH switch the morning meetings next term to one of your non work days? Or both days if possible? Then he can take DS to care twice and that gives you 2 mornings where you get to prioritise your career. Plus he gets 3.