Imbalance of childcare. Are my feelings valid or am I being unreasonable?

[Clueless0107]

Hi, I’m brand new to mumsnet so I’m sorry if I’m starting this thread all wrong… I’m just looking to talk to other parents about things I’m struggling with because I’m feeling like I’m going a bit crazy at the moment! So please be gentle with me :)

to give context I’m a new mum, I have a 14 month old and I’ve just finished mat leave and I'm adjusting to returning to work. I work 3 days in the nhs and my husband is a head teacher, he is full time and I appreciate his job is very demanding. I’ve struggled with the inflexibility of his role for quite some time, but having a child has exacerbated it. I have a large caseload myself, my role is also pretty full on and I’m also doing all drop offs/pick ups because husband has morning and after school meetings.

This week has triggered strong feelings of anger/resentment for me that I’m struggling to swallow down and I’m feeling like maybe I’m also being unreasonable but I just can figure it out… I really needed some extra support due to taking on some difficult cases, I asked hubby if he could be 5 mins late for a morning meeting and drop off little guy just on one day. This would afford me an extra hours work to get myself in a good place and relieve some stress, but he was adament that he could not even adjust his meeting time for 5 mins because ‘all the teachers will have to wait for me’. I asked him whether he could just give them a heads up and tell them it starts at 8.20 instead of 8.15am? It was just a flat no. He told me I was being unreasonable and over the top when I expressed that I felt frustrated and stuck in the rigidity of his job.

for context, he is a great dad when he is home and helps loads with the cleaning and house chores. He adores our son and has been very good with him since he was born, helping in the night where possible. So this makes me feel super guilty when I feel so angry. He has always just worked such long hours so the mental, physical and emotional load of parenthood feels so primarily on my shoulders, and without even a little bit of flexibility I feel trapped in the dynamic. During the school holidays of course it all calms down and he is also in a much better place and things feel easier. But during term time - which can be long and of course for most of the year, it doesn’t feel balanced at all. I also feel like he just can’t or chooses not to understand the intensity that can create, often becoming instantly defensive and then I feel even more misunderstood. I think if he could even just acknowledge it I’d feel better, but he doesn’t.

I feel like I should be able to just accept this as I am the mother, but I’m really struggling in the aloneness. We don’t have any grandparents living nearby to help either.

I read a thread here recently by a female headteacher. She was doing the lion’s share of the childcare and housework and other life admin because her husband’s job (which paid less) was so big and important and tough (spoiler alert: to an outsider it didn’t sound any tougher than hers).

Years ago I saw another thread where a female GP was doing all the childcare because her job was flexible, and another poster was doing all the childcare because her husband was a GP and therefore had a very tough job.

It’s never the job, it’s always that the man in the partnership doesn’t think he has to do as much as the woman because that’s how he’s been socialised.

If he won’t acknowledge it, perhaps counselling to avoid building a level of resentment that will destroy your feelings for him?

It's 5 bloody minutes. Lots of women and isn't it always the women, adjust their hours for nursery runs and school holidays. He is in a position to easily accommodate a very slightly later meeting.

Your husband is under the illusion that he has a big important job that requires him to prioritise that above doing one nursery drop off. It is a staff meeting, not an operating theatre with a patient on the table awaiting their surgeon.

He is being utterly unreasonable, and no it shouldn't all fall to you as the Mother, this is 2025, not 1925. He can adjust his work schedule for one day, one bloody day a week.

Personally I wouldn't be asking my DH to be late for a morning meeting for a nursery drop off unless I absolutely couldn't do it due to needing to be elsewhere (appointment or travel). I do expect flexibility when he is able, but meetings are examples of when he needs to be present and visible.

It sounds like your childcare isn't working though and you will need someone to cover an earlier start if you both can't do the drop off in the mornings (morning nanny or childminder).

Your feelings are valid so please don't give yourself a hard time for feeling angry. The situation does get a little easier when they start school and the illnesses significantly decrease as long as you can fit your work around it. I'm not going to be here bashing your husband because clearly your both on the same journey wanting to raise your little man the best way you can. In my experience schools have not caught up with the times when it comes to flexibility and with him being in a more high profile role, it's going to be a little tricky for him to shift the tone. If not immediately, then looking to the next academic year perhaps those meetings could be slightly skewed at least one or two times a week. Failing this, there are other ways he can contribute - such as solely doing bedtime routines, cooking dinner or just having something like food shopping that he is solely responsible for to take the load off you. I would sit down with him and see what he can 'own' realistically and what steps you both need to make for that to happen. In my experience, finding a more equitable balance didn't happen over night and involved some sacrifices of goals, money and time, it's just a case of making moves in the right direction, being patient with eachother and remembering this baby/toddler stage is hard but it won't be forever

He's the head teacher He is in control of that meeting and definitely can move it back 5 mins. He just doesn't want to or thinks it's your job to fit your career around childcare.

I think shifting one at short notice for something non urgent may feel difficult. However changing planned time for future meetings starting in a month's time is a perfectly reasonable ask. Given the time of year asking for next years meeting to start 5 mins later for example, if that will allow him to do one drop off a week is really sensible.

Yes come September he can arrange to have the meetings start later one day per week, the teachers will most likely appreciate it too!

Having been a head teacher I’m not sure a meeting can start 5 mins later because time is tight before lessons begin. Schools are a nightmare for flexibility and when you think about it, how can they be flexible? They’re looking after hundreds of children.
That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. Would a nanny be a better solution?

You keep saying he “helps”. He “helps” with childcare and he “helps” with the house. Those things are 50% his responsibility, regardless of his job. He’s not “help[ing]” you, those are things we all have to do as adults - don’t feel guilty or like he’s “helping” you.

The answer is planning.
He may be right. He cant/won't shift a meeting 2 days before.
What about. On Tuesdays you need to be taking Charlie in to nursery because I have a regular early meeting that day that can't be moved

This.

@Clueless0107 Your husband is the person who decides what time the meeting is. It's not that he can't start five minutes later. It's that he won't.

Question for teachers. Are there really meetings every morning before school? It seems really unnecessary.

Im not in the uk but I know teachers in my country have 2 staff meetings a week, both after school. Mornings are for prepping for the day ahead.

It’s really unreasonable to ask him to purposefully be late to a meeting he’s leading, at short notice, especially when it can’t run over because lessons will start at a precise time straight afterwards. What would be reasonable is to ask if the meeting time to be adjusted perhaps for next term to allow him to do his share of nursery drops from September. Also remember that whilst it seems really rigid and annoying now you’ll be so glad he’s term time only when your DC starts school! So in time you’ll reap the benefits. Please for your sake though stop with the mindset that he’s ‘helping’ by doing his share of parenting or housework.

Doubtful that the morning meeting is necessary and that the agenda can’t be handled by someone rlse or in an email. And I have worked in a school. Of course he can do it. He chooses not to because 5 minutes if his time is more important to him than an hour of yours.

I think this sounds more like a childcare issue. Get a better one or one that offers better flexibility. Both of your jobs are important.

I feel you. I am the main breadwinner and work much longer hours and objectively the one with the "big job" but I am still the one accommodating DH's hours because his job is not as flexible. It's shit. Men just choose their job over the household because they know you will pick up the pieces. None of my male peers worry about drop offs or packed lunches or sicknesses and I can already see it impacting my career.

It feels like this could be sorted with a sit down and working out some logistics.
DH can’t drop him off because he needs to get to a meeting - can childcare start 15 mins earlier so he can do drop off?

Something that stood out for me in your post is that you said at least twice that he 'helps'. This shows a mindset that it is your responsibility and you ae lucky he helps rather than you are both in it together. I don't believe for one second he cannot move a weekly meeting back by 5 minutes. I believe he doesn't want to because quite frankly its shitty and stressful getting kids up and ready and out the door.

I would be setting my stall out that its shared responsibilities and he needs to pick a morning a week he can drop off an evening a week he can pick up - as an absolute bare minimum! Why does he think you should do it all?

Would of thought the meeting start time would of been set by them having to be done at & by the latest ready for the school day

Starting 5 mins later one day a week is not going to cause an issue.

Why can’t he change the start time if the meeting? They are his meetings and therefore he has the opportunity to set a different start time. Five/ten minutes later start won’t hurt.

I wouldn’t be happy if my DH dumped this request on my at the last minute, to be late for a meeting I’m holding because they haven’t managed their workload.
If you feel the split every day isn’t balanced this isn’t the thing to focus on because yabu.

With him being in a school doesn’t it balance out because he will have DC every break in term? Or at least do all drop offs, pick ups and sickness during holidays?

Nope, nope nope.

He doesn't 'help' you, he is an adult AND a parent so he IS responsible for 50% of;

Childcare
Housework
Cooking
Cleaning
Bedtimes
Night wakings
Shopping
Laundry

And if he's doing LESS that 50%? YOU need to read him the damn riot act !

I agree that it was short notice for him to change the meeting, but he CAN alter his schedule going forward so that it fits BOTH of your schedules!

He needs to realise that he can't simply say 'I can't' yet expect YOU to somehow manage?

Your job is equally important, so he has to step up and DO HIS 50% !

So sit him down and tell him that his attitude sucks and it's going to change, today.
It's up to him to work out exactly how he plans to manage his childcare drop offs and pick ups, just as it's yours to manage on your days.

It's up to him to organize when he's going to fit in his share of shopping/cooking/bedtimes/laundry etc etc, just as you have to do.

You can obviously designate any chore to one person, but only if the other is picking up the slack in an equally demanding chore. I.e. putting out the bins once a week and mowing the lawn once a week in summer does NOT equal cooking daily and childcare daily. It MUST be of equal labor time and effort weekly to be fair.

You'll soon see whether your DH actually believes whether all the home and child work are actually 'yours', but he's happy you have a 'little job' so he's happy enough to 'help' when it suits him, but only when it doesn't impact his 'big important career', or whether he actually IS a decent H and parent who believes your career IS equally 'important' and he needs to step up and do his fair share...

@Whatbloodysummer Housework
Cooking
Cleaning
Bedtimes
Night wakings
Shopping
Laundry
And if he's doing LESS that 50%? YOU need to read him the damn riot act !

This doesn’t work if he’s working significantly more than the other parent, which he is.

It's up to him to organize when he's going to fit in his share of shopping/cooking/bedtimes/laundry etc etc, just as you have to do.

Nonsense, OP fits in her share because she only works 3 days.

Presumably OP’s 3 day salary doesn’t allow her DH to only work 3 days.

A fair split doesn’t necessarily mean equal

Stop asking, start telling @Clueless0107

tell him it’s one week on, one week off for each of you and he needs to amend his meeting schedule to accommodate

why? Because he sets the meeting and I’m betting that meeting would be no worse off for the sake of 5 mins.

this is important. It needs to be a far fairer split or he’ll be looking after his son alone 50/50 and the school holidays

resentment will kill your relationship, he needs to make this tiny concession now.