Daughter Being Left Out

[Leafblower2000]

Any ideas on how to cope with this? Year 6 daughter being left out after school. Recently noticed a lot of my daughter’s friends hanging out after school and she’s never invited. She questioned if the other day as managed to avoid her finding out but then she saw them when we drove past. She insists she hasn’t done anything wrong and the school have confirmed all seems fine there. One of the girls (who also is a neighbour) doesn’t seem to like my daughter very much and I think instigates a lot of it. My daughter just seems to want to sit in her room now even when it’s nice out and I feel sad and cry for her (but don’t let her know). I’ve told her she can have friends over/go out. Worried this is going to run over to secondary in September as they are also all going up together. Is it normal to feel so hurt for her?

Normal to feel hurt for her

there is an ebb and flow to relationships at this stage so I wouldn’t worry too much
summer hols will possibly wipe the slate clean

there is a point though that some kids just aren’t popular and struggle with friendships. We see it a lot on mumsnet amongst adults too.

but at this age, I’d be hopeful and optimistic just a low point

What is a 10/11 year old doing in her room all the time?

It's hard but honestly this is the best time for it - there will be so many new children at secondary that established friendship groups will likely change anyway. Better now than at the end of Y5 where she would have another year at primary with the same group. Just try not to let her hide away in her room in the meantime - can you sign her up for some holiday activities?

Rumblerum - watching TV/playing on phone/doing hair/make up etc

Get TV out of her room
and restrict phone use heavily

she’s not even in secondary school!

Normal for you to be sad about it

normal for the other girl to choose her own friends

my biggest worry for her is what she’s doing in her room. They might be linked tbh. I remember my dd1, who at 11 was still playing in parks/on her bike/netball/play dates etc no longer wanted to be friends with the friends of hers who wanted to be teenagers already, as she found that boring.

id be not allowing that I dont think, plenty of time to do that when she’s 14.

I would encourage her to join something outside of school (a hobby or guides) so she has a second set of friends. It means they are both unlikely to go wrong at the same time and will give her someone to chat to if it goes wrong.

Totally normal to feel hurt — you're watching someone you love go through something unfair, and it’s heartbreaking. Year 6 friendships can be tricky, and kids can be excluded for no real reason. You're doing the right thing by supporting her quietly and offering other ways to connect. This won’t last forever, and just knowing you’re there will mean more to her than you realize.

She does have outside of school friends I have always encouraged this and arrange to meet up when schedules allow (everyone including us has such busy lives now) maybe she needs to actively seek it out a little more 🤷‍♀️

I’m just feeling really low and hoping someone else might understand or have some advice.
My Year 6 daughter has started to notice that she’s often left out of things after school — playdates, hangouts, trips to the park etc. I had suspected it for a while but tried to protect her from it. Then the other day we happened to drive past a group of the girls (her usual friends) all out together, and she saw them. She didn’t say much at first, but later asked why she wasn’t invited and said she feels like no one wants her around. 💔
She insists she hasn’t done anything wrong, and I believe her. I’ve even spoken to the school, and they say everything seems fine socially. But one of the girls (also our neighbour) doesn’t seem very fond of her and seems to have a lot of influence over the group.
Since then, my daughter mostly just wants to sit in her room, even when it’s sunny or I offer to do something fun. She seems sad but doesn’t want to talk too much about it. I’ve told her she can invite friends over or go out, but she doesn’t want to anymore. I’m really worried this will carry over into secondary school since most of these girls are going to the same one.
I’m trying to hold it together for her, but honestly I cry when she’s not around. It’s so painful watching your child feel unwanted.
Is this normal for this age? Any advice for how I can help her (or cope myself)? I just feel so helpless right now.

millersmith77 - it’s as if I have written this post myself! I am also looking for similar guidance as it is crippling at times (although apart from mentioning seeing them my daughter seems ok) xx

Well that’s a bit depressing for a primary school child…. Spending most of her time alone in her room on screen?

She’s young enough op that you can very very much parent her ie no phone in room, take the Tv out etc

It gets worse at secondary school. The only thing you can do is try to get her to do her own thing and encourage her to find her own people and not bother with people who are horrible. At least they are actively being nasty, just leaving her out.

I guess she retreats to her room as her friends are not inviting her along, so she is forced to entertain herself. I am sure her mum (OP) can’t entertain her nonstop and she probably works, so daughter has no choice but be in her room and so stuff by herself.

My child is 12
The choice isn’t

in bedroom on phone
versus
me constantly entertaining her!

We had this a bit in year 5. It was created by mobile phones. My DD doesn't have one but a load of girls suddenly got them and formed a clique over it.

But it sounds like your DD has a phone. I would not allow her to use it in her bedroom (no devices upstairs) and check it because if they're excluding or mean to her in person they could be bullying her online too.

We also bought some books about friendships and read them together. We talked a lot about a good friend is and how to spot a bad friend. Ultimately saying these girls aren't worth your time of the treat you like that. Find YOUR tribe.

Gosh reading some of these posts I'm not sure how I survived as a kid. I used to spend quite a fair bit of time in my bedroom too... And often watched TV in there too....shock horror!! (3.30-6 some absolute gold kids TV back in the day!)

Her room is probably just a nice safe place for her to chill!! Especially if she is feeling a bit down about it too (which she might not be!!)

It's hard because we really feel for them and take on their pain when they get left out. There is not much you can do to help other than what you're doing as they are in charge of their own friendships at this stage. I always worry when my daughter has one or two friends over I generally tell her not to mention it to the friends who aren't coming just so they don't feel left out (she rarely meets with the whole group) but at the end of the day it's something they have to navigate themselves.

Friendship groups will shift and change. Certainly at secondary school they will and hopefully she will meet people who include her more.

A few ideas

First, do you know who will be in her class in secondary? If it’s not set already, it may be worth contacting school and asking not to be with the specific girl who seems to not like her.

Second, I would get in touch with the parents of the other girls in the group, and try to arrange some 1:1 meet ups..

Lastly I would also try to arrange some meet ups with her out of school friends.

Your posts kind of suggest you are leaving it to her to arrange meet ups? IME age 11 is a bit young for this and most don’t have the experience/confidence to do this yet - especially if they’ve had a knock like you describe.