8yo struggling with grandparent estrangement

[PerfumePonce93]

Hi,

Looking for some advice please. Will try not ramble on too long.

For context - We became estranged from my grandmother and her partner at the end of last year. Long story short after years of gaslighting, ignoring boundaries and being critical and insulting every aspect of me and my life, I asked for us to meet to try and resolve things.

Previously I have tried to ignore this for DDs sake, who had a good relationship with her, but they then started to let DD down last minute, she'd also noticed their attitudes towards me and felt upset that they 'talk about you when they think I'm not listening ' so I wanted to resolve this for us both.

GM didn't show, her partner did and proceeded to tell me what a terrible person I am. He also made angry comments that I teach my daughter consent and that she does not have to have hugs etc. If she doesn't want to. This raised more red flags for me, and the decision was made to keep him away from DD. I still offered to facilitate contact between GM and DD, but all attempts at this were ignored.

Meanwhile DD is really struggling with this. It's difficult to explain the context and complexities to her while she's so young, but I desperately want to help her deal with some of the upset. We talk about things whenever she asks to and I have reassured her that its okay to have these feelings, but I feel at a bit of a loss to know what else I can do. Anyone who's been in a similar situation or that has any ideas would be much appreciated!

Thank you x

We have a very similar situation. We are NC with my mum and her partner. We probably went NC around a similar age.

My mum’s partner has a criminal record that means he is not safe around children. He has re-offended, but not be charged since they have been married. She very much lives in a pretend world of ‘it’s all innocent fun and no one was actually harmed too much, but I would never let him do that to your children.’

Nope, no way, not even entertaining a relationship with either of them because neither are safe adults. What I’ve said to dd is that partner did a bad hurtful thing and was arrested by the police for hurting someone. Granny didn’t think it was a bad thing, but got angry at dad and I for not letting him come around. Until granny chooses to leave him, we can’t have a relationship with them because it’s not safe. It’s granny’s choice not to be in our lives. That’s very simplistic. But basically, I’ve focused on their behaviour and their choices, so she knows it’s nothing we did to make her not want to be in our lives. We talked a bit about mental health issues and doing the right thing by the people you love and how some people just don’t get it right.

Mostly though, I would focus on healing yourself and I’d not make a big deal of it. We are 5 years down the road now. My dd never even mentions them anymore. My younger one (was 2, now 7) has no memory of them at all. They both have friends with lots of different types of families. Some friends have just a mum and no grandparents at all. Some have parents and stepparents and very involved grandparents all around. It’s not at all weird to them.

@mindutopia thank you. I've absolutely tried to stress it's nothing she's done and hoping it'll get better with time.