Parent and child Attachment

[Muffin88]

My son prefers others over his parents.
He is 17 months and obsessed with aunty and his grandparents. He wants to be with them all the time, doesn’t even want to come to me or his father. Even when he seeks comfort he runs to them. If they leave the room he screams but totally fine if we, mum or dad leave for hours.Which is painful I admit.I am jealous, however adore that he has a good connection with them. I know it is normal behaviour for toddlers. I am concerned only because since he was newborn he showed preference and it was never me. We have bond,I know.I am his main caregiver .But oh boy I struggled with this a lot since he was born. Grandparents,aunt soothed him , but not me when he was little. He pushed me away for more than a year when he was hurt .He seems so independent, and happy with others, and often seems bored with me. I question what I did wrong. I read some children temperament is more independent and they are not clingy or has separation anxiety so on. But around me I only see babies/toddlers are so attached to mums for years and I don’t see anyone with this issue. Also, I understand how difficult can be for mums when toddlers going through separation anxiety, but I envy them if I am being totally honest as I never experienced this. I look like a terrible mother whose own son just ignore. Please, be gentle if you comment as it is a sensitive topic for me. ( Seeking therapy at the moment) I am hoping someone experiences the same and can put me at ease that will be better someday.

You should contact your health visitor. This was one of the first questions mine asked me, how my DS coped when I left him or if he showed any anxiety/preference for a parent. She needed to know if he seeks my reassurance in differentsituations. This could be a red flag OP. Sorry you're going through this. Please contact HV. This could indicate something more than just "bonds".

It is unusual for a child to show preference for other people over a long period of time and from a young age. Can you reduce the time spent with the people he prefers to you? Look into attachment based interventions for parent and child and try to do some of the activities they recommend.

Babycatface, he is with me most of the time. He sees his grandparents twice a year as we live abroad and my sister sees us ones or twice in a month. What I can only think of is that the first few weeks of his life my family helped me a lot and held him more I did. I had traumatic birth and struggled with breastfeeding.Most probably had PPD too.

Dontcomeatme
Thank you.
HV came to check him and she was very happy with my boy. She said her second boy was exactly like him and he is just an independent,very social little man.
My little one shows attachment towards me and affection, and reach out to me when he is hurt, when it’s just the two of us.Hasn’t been always like this. But definitely there is some improvement. However when we are with family he acts like I don’t exist nor his father.

Is he just excited at seeing his family? My DS is very clingy and attached to me, but absolutely worships his nana and grandad! We don't get a look in when they're about haha. Maybe cause they spoil him with chocolates :)

I think, given he doesn't see them that often, it's excitement about favourite relatives and you don't need to worry. My 14 month old LOVES my dad, because he is willing to pick my LO up and carry them EVERYWHERE and I'm too tired to do that much carrying for a baby who can already walk!

I think you’re interpreting him being excited about the novelty of a new person with attachment because you are struggling. If he has only seen both of them a handful of times in his life, he won’t be attached to them. It sounds like you need more support with your confidence and your mental health.

If he was seeing them all the time I'm sure it would be different.
It's a novelty, and because he's confident he's excited to see them with it being infrequent.

Our 2 year old only sees his uncle a few times a year due to distance and has a very strong attachment to him. My brother has joked that our DS likes him more than his own DD does 😂
The last time we saw my brother DS cried when he left and said 'I don't like you, I want uncle' to DH while he was trying to comfort him!

I'm not sure why it's particularly him as there are other relatives he sees more often who also put effort in playing etc, but who he doesn't show much interest in. I think sometimes children are just drawn to a certain personality.

Autumnfog
I know it is totally normal for a toddler and actually totally healthy to get attachment to others.Our issue is hasn’t started recently. We have long history about this since he was little.Right now what bothers me (also my partner) that he runs to them when he is hurt and cries when they leave the room. He doesn’t really have separation anxiety with us. He seems still confused who is his safe place.

Mindutopia
Right now he is very excited about his family.Which is good. But, also he is a bit extreme. He literally screams when I want to hold him if they are around.
as I mentioned I am struggling to understand his bond to me since he was born.when he was 2 week old he was crying with me and my sister and mum could sooth him.I have been told because they are probably more calm.Same happened with mother in law for 2 months. When he was a baby he would go to any strangers anywhere .He refused me to soothe him if he was hurt but he would run to a stranger for comfort.And I could go on for long about examples.He definitely is a happy and healthy boy, I don’t think something is wrong with him. I think he is showing his love or attachment in a very different way and I don’t understand and don’t take it well.
Definitely I need to talk to a professional about this. I am not so sure about my confidence is really the problem here. I got to talk very few parents whose children are similar and they all complain about how hurt and confused they are.

Given that he doesn’t see the grandparents regularly, I wouldn’t particularly worry about it OP - sounds like it’s the novelty of new people who are showering him with love and affection.
I live on the other side of the planet to my parents, and when they visit? I’m chopped liver 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 Particularly my youngest. She’d push me into oncoming traffic if it meant she could get to her grandad a second faster!