AIBU to want DH to accommodate toddler?

[Boppingalong]

Does anyone else’s DH do this?! It drives me crazy. DH gets ideas of what he wants to do in a day in his head, usually the morning of, and then doesn’t stop to factor in the children at all. 2 DD’s, 1 and 4. Eldest DD was at grandparents today so we just had the little one. He got up with her so I could lie in which was lovely - gave her some fruit for breakfast and didn’t change her or get her dressed. Woke me at 10am (amazing!!) but then starts cooking a full hot breakfast. We’re off on a UK holiday tomorrow - he decides we need to go to a shop for walking gear half an hour away. I suggest I stay at home and crack on packing while he goes. He insists I come to try things on - but I know my size, and I hate trying clothes on! We get ready, don’t leave until about 12. Get there, go into some shops, little one was getting restless and I suggest we take a break and let her play in the park next to the shops while we have a coffee. He starts huffing about wanting to be quick and get home. He gets us coffees but doesn’t think to get anything for DD to eat - I didn’t ask him to but assumed he would know she needed something to eat! Go into the shop we came for, he starts piling things by one of the checkouts then wonders off to do more browsing. I’ve got the pram, toddler who is now out and walking because she’s fed up, a coffee (no cup holder on the pram) trying to wrangle her around a busy shop. She’s getting into everything, bored and probably hungry. After 10 or 15 minutes I found him and said we need to go. He grumbles because he hasn’t had enough time. He then makes a point of saying I said I didn’t want to come, why did we go into other shops, we should have come to that one first. I suggested I take DD for some food and he could go back and browse but got no reply so we left and picked up some food on the way home. Then have to stop at yet another shop, so we didn’t make it home until 4:30. It’s just gone 5, he’s now gone back out as he needs a haircut. The house is a mess, we have washing we need to do before we go tomorrow, dinner to cook for tonight. Little one needs a bath, bedtime etc. I know he’ll come back, proceed to pull all sorts out of the garage that we “might need” for the holiday and then spend 2 hours cleaning the car. He’ll then announce the car is ready to be packed and be amazed that I haven’t managed to pack everything and do all of the above. Eldest needs collecting from grandparents tonight because we’ve got an early start tomorrow. It’s just so frustrating! I suspect ADHD/ASD and see a lot of traits in him and he’s admitted this and will say he’s hyper focusing etc. I get frustrated because I see a lot of the same traits in myself but I have to just crack on with things! Neither of us get hungry very often, but I know that we have to feed the children 3 meals and 2 snacks at set sort of times! youngest still breastfeeds and he doesn’t seem to understand that this is no longer a meal at this age - she needs food too! In his head if we’ve had breakfast at 10 then a late lunch at 2 or 3 is fine - but to me that’s for too long when they’re so little? He also doesn’t seem to understand that yes, she will fall asleep in the car at 3:30 instead of a big nap at 12:30, but this means bedtime will be a nightmare! I just get so frustrated - and if I bring it up he’ll say “well you need to tell me these things” no I don’t!!! He is 41. I’m 27. I love him dearly and he is great in a lot of ways. But this frustrates the life out of me. I also realised he’d forgotten to switch the hob off and it was still on a low heat when we got home hours later!! I just find it so frustrating. He will grumble tonight about how shopping took too long, we shouldn’t have stopped at the park etc. but I don’t think it’s fair on DD to be strapped in the pram, car seat etc for hours without a break.

AIBU here? Or should I be more understanding of the fact that he is likely neurodiverse and maybe it’s easier for me to get practicalities done?

I meant to add - maybe he struggles with this because he became a parent later in life than me and is more used to doing his own thing? I have had children for basically my entire adult life post uni so perhaps it’s easier for me to adjust?

He sounds annoying and selfish OP :(

Not unreasonable of you at all OP. Some people may disagree with me but life with little kids IS about trying to balance what you need to do with what they will be happy doing.

We have a 1 year old (15 month old so quite a young 1 still) and if I need to go to the shops for a good while then I either allow probably twice as much time as I would expect it to take so that she can just alternate with walking/playing/chatting/snacks, or I’d do a park/softplay type trip first, and then do the shops with her in the pram with snacks so she’s ready for a rest/chill. I don’t find it enjoyable shopping with a wingey child stuck in their pram so would prefer to avoid that!

And agree re. food. I don’t have as many meals/snacks as my toddler but I do know she needs that many, it’s not a secret or a new thing- she is the same every day! And I HATE the “just tell me what to do”, nope.

The only thing you’ve done wrong is agree to go to the shop. Why didn’t you stick with saying no?

I don’t get why you went along with this and kept just being obedient knowing it would end up in a shit say for all of you and an unhappy toddler. He’s selfish but you could do a better job of speaking up for yourself and your child too

Suggest in future to let him crack on with his hair-brained plans but without you in tow. He can take one or both kids with him. But you're out.

Then do the packing for you / kids but not his.

Let him pick and choose whatever it is he wants to do, but do not pick up his slack. That includes doing his sodding washing.

You are not a household appliance.

He sounds selfish and annoying, but you sound a bit passive OP. Maybe you need to be more assertive.

Agreed. My DH wouldn't behave like this but I've been out with other relatives in the past who would. I don't mind in that they're people who have no children or have adult children and have presumably forgotten somewhat what it's like etc. But if something isn't working for my kids I will sort it out, not make them suffer through it.

Every time he suggests something, say ‘what about Sally?’.
You need to get into that habit, just as he needs to get into the habit of planning for her too.

You need to be less agreeable and more assertive. ‘When will I do X? What about Sally?’

i agree with the others, I don’t understand why you went shopping. You need to find your voice and tell him that is doesn’t work for the family.

I don't think he sounds neurodivergent, just self-centered and lazy

Am I reading this correctly, you have three kids and it’s the 41 year old that is the most difficult of the lot?

He sounds somewhat blinkered. Just sort stuff for you & the kids. He can pack his own bags.
This trip may be difficult but agree with PP - every time he suggests something you reply ok but what about the kids? He is selfish and just thinks about him. This needs to change. As you are going to be out of your normal routine it may be a good time to keep nudging him with "what about the kids?" He is a parent as well, not just you.

You have described my husband to the T here. It boggles me. I don’t think he’s inherently selfish, he does things specifically for the kids in isolation, but in day-to-day life, factoring their needs in to his day just doesn’t seem to happen. And ditto to the ‘just tell me’. No, I won’t just tell you - I have no interest in being the household manager.

He would have such an issue if I introduced him to the concept of Default Parent. But. It’s true.

My DH is similar and always has been.

If I told him when we’d need to stop for breaks/meals etc he would do it, but he wouldn’t do it without being told. Same for getting them up, getting them dressed, doing activities, getting ready to leave the house etc. He still just gets himself ready to go out and I get the 3 of us ready…day out shopping or a holiday, doesn’t make a difference!

He basically left all the mundane parenting things (like making sure your children are fed!) to me then, when I got busy dealing with the house & DC, announced that he doesn’t feel part of the family.

We’ll be getting divorced in a few years once the DC are old enough as apparently he loves me but isn’t in love with me 🙄. Who’d have thought that not involving yourself in your DC’s lives would destroy your marriage?!

He chooses to do this OP. He could stop, but he won’t as he puts himself first. I bet this isn’t the first time you’ve been upset by it or mentioned it so why hasn’t he changed? Having kids involves sacrifice and some men just don’t see why they should. Where’s your line for being pissed off? Watching him stride out the door yet again without a backward glance as you heave everything you’ll need for the day out to the car pretty quickly kills off the love you have for your partner.

Hope you get it sorted.

I don't think it's his age. It's just him and is typical of some men. He should know his childs needs better by now. Does he ever have any time when hes in sole charge of the children? This sort of situation can arise when men have never had a period as the primary parent. Women get used to thinking about all these things on maternity leave and then they continue being the default parent when they go back to work.

I became a parent at 42 and I am the one to think about all those things. I used to be quite a selfish person but I think of DDs needs first now.

Thank you for all the responses it’s validating to know that I’m not being unreasonable. I agree that I need to be less passive and I should have put my foot down and said I didn’t want to come. He WFH 4 days a week while I have the car, and I work part time out of the house and am out every day with the children. So at the weekends I’d be quite happy going out once for a few hours then chilling at home with maybe a park trip or a walk thrown in. He’s been stuck at home all week and wants to get out and be social! But I appreciate it’s not much fun going out alone and he likes company. He was worried about buying expensive technical clothes and them being the wrong size etc. and thinks I care about these things far more than I do!

He’s quite frantic/talks a million miles an hour and worries a lot. So sometimes it’s easier to just go along with what he wants to do/let him do his own thing. I don’t want to be controlling or make all the decisions. But I do think I can be too passive and need to just say when things are bothering me. Sometimes I hope by letting it go a bit wrong he’ll learn for next time but it’s clearly not working! I thought we were nipping to a retail park and it would be in and out but it was a big shopping complex/outlet so all took longer than expected.

while I’m sorry to hear others have this with their DH it’s nice to know I’m not alone!! I don’t know how to explain that I want him to help - if I said this he’d go through the list of everything’s he’s done today - and he has done a lot just not in the right order or prioritised correctly!!

If you both thought you were just going to the shop DH wanted to go to, whose decision was it to go to other shops first?

Yeh that would pee me off a bit. We nipped out to some shops yesterday. DS4 fell asleep in the car but really needed the nap. DH took the other kid did the urgent thing and came back for us and then I woke DS up so bedtime wasn't written off. It wasn't even a discussion, DH got done what he needed to and DS got a short nap. After a couple of more shops we stopped via the park and then headed back. I think sometimes you have to compromise when you have young children. I'd have loved to have nipped out for half hour and swung by the ncie coffee shop and sat in the sun.

DD didn't get her nappy changed, one which she had on all night until 10am when you got up? I'd be furious over that alone.

He's lazy and believes that the DC are your responsibility, he just ''helps'' when you tell him to.

I wouldn't be able to carry on like that. My DH isn't like that at all and it isn't something I'd tolerate.

He is unbelievably selfish.

and you are doing what many 27yo females do and providing him with a million excuses.

if doesn’t matter if someone is ND, you just have to learn strategies to help you think about other people if it’s not your automatic thought. As he’s got to 41 whilst still being unbelievably selfish, it suggests he hasn’t bothered learning this social expectation.

yours, and your dcs day was thoroughly miserable, caused entirely by him. There’ll be many more.

Has he had the children by himself very much? I think you need to just leave him to it regularly and he'll learn from the consequences that they need feeding/dressing/entertaining
I honestly thank shared parental leave for both of us being fairly equal parents. 6 months each if being responsible for the child has been fab

The issue with that though is that it's possible he will just not change the toddler like he did in the morning and ''forget'' to feed them.

Then it will all be OP's fault for not telling him that he has to feed his own children.

He does have both girls solo sometimes - gets both ready in the morning on my work days and makes breakfast for them and me, does their hair and packs their bags. He does bedtime solo one night a week when I’m out and all seems to run smoothly though I think he puts the youngest to bed later than I would because she tends to wake in the night on those nights - possibly overtired. At least one weekend morning he will usually get up with them and I’ll have a lie in. Our eldest will obviously say if she is hungry/wants breakfast first thing. I think with our youngest he’s stuck in the early days of weaning when a banana was an acceptable breakfast!

I’m taking on board all of the advise here and I don’t want to make excuses. I think I need to accept that for whatever reason he isn’t going to factor in naps/mealtimes himself and just explain clearly that things will be happening at set times. I also should have skipped the lie in and cracked on this morning and we’d have been less pressed for time!

If he's capable of getting them ready when you aren't there, he's capable of getting them ready when you are there too. It's just when you are there, he thinks it's your job.

The only person to blame is DH. Nothing wrong with you laying in because he's capable of doing the morning stuff solo.