Primary to Secondary School

[Mumlife2000]

Can anyone help put my mind at rest? Please bear with me if I rabbit on!
we live in a road where my daughter has grown up on a trio. Since year 4 this has petered out in that the other 2 girls got closer and my daughter was left out. They would post TikTok etc and my daughter couldn’t understand what she had done. I said nothing just friends change etc/threes a crowd. I have always encouraged her to have friends outside of school etc although she is quite happy at home! I admit I did step in and ask these girls/their mums if my daughter had done anything to which they said no and they would try to encourage them to include her. She actually didn’t care all that much however I found it very distressing and couldn’t understand how other mums would let this happen when I wouldn’t - it did t help loving close and seeing it had we lived in different places it would be out of sight out mind. I am aware this may have created issues for my daughter and massively regretted getting involved and vowed never to mention again which I didn’t. Fast forward to year 6 and it still rumbles along however we had thought secondary would be a fresh start only for them all to be put together! My daughter was fine with this so I accepted as she can make up her own mind. Then found out one of them had asked not to be with my daughter and this broke my heart as she’s not horrible at all she just asked them why they lied about hanging out and could they just be honest with her she then made the decision herself to distance herself from them. The teacher then said to me I am going to move her and when checking with daughter she said no way (not knowing what this other girl had said) and I said no if this girl doesn’t want to be with my daughter she can move. Since turns out she’s fine with my daughter being there and as far as I’m concerned it’s left as is. My issue is I can’t move on from the hurt of this and feel so upset for my daughter even though she doesn’t know. I want to say something to the mom but 100% won’t. Guess I am just very worried these issues will spill over and ruin secondary for her. Am I massively overthinking this and just need to let things be? Thank you.

You are over thinking. Leave things be.
Your DD can make new friends in secondary.
It doesn't sound like there has been outward issues, just drifting apart?

In primary they have little choice in friendships due to the size, at most there would be 90 children in a year group. Friendships do come and go. When they get to secondary there are lots of new and exciting people for them to make friends with. Some primary friendships remain in secondary a lot don't or they expand to include children from other schools.

Is there anyone else from her primary in her form? If yes maybe try to get them together over summer, especially practising walking up to school together for timings. If not at least try to find someone she can walk up to school with, it feels less daunting if you are doing it with someone else. Having said that my son went to a secondary none of his friends went to so he had to do it alone. After a week of seeing the same children he got chatting to them just for the walk to and from school.

In some ways it is better than them dumping her in the first few weeks of yr7. I would actually hope they are in different classes next year so the same dynamic doesn't transfer. You might find that given a bit of distance they end up happy to walk together. Maybe get her to try some different things over the summer, get used to chatting to different people and encourage her to join clubs in her new school to find like minded friends. The other two may remain firm friends but are more likely to split off from each other after a few months.

Your role is to let your daughter handle this you seem to be getting far to involved

To be honest what you say about the two girls getting closer sounds right. It's sad, but it doesn't sound malicious just like as they grew B & C had more in common than A & B or B&C. Don't meddle anymore because the girls are bound to feel uncomfortable if they feel you are pushing friendships that aren't there. There will be lots of children looking to make new friends in secondary and your daughter will find her crowd.

@TeenToTwenties there has been a bit of intermittent unkindness with one of them towards my daughter but the teacher has always knocked this on the head although one mum did approach me to ask what had happened and I said it was on Snapchat she then looked and took phone away as she was cross with her daughter (not the first time this has happened apparently with other kids in the class) only for them to be friends five minutes later hence my note saying anything … they are a little like siblings and if asked honestly my daughter doesn’t like her much but was happy with the new tutor and didn’t want to move which is why o said no of the other girl doesn’t want to be with my daughter she should move - only to be asked by teacher and said it was fine - I’m going to have to switch off from it all!