Tell me what it’s like having 2!

[FTMaz]

Hi everyone

my DS is currently 18 months old. I have always been unsure as to whether I would want another child, I had an awful pregnancy and birth and the thought of being pregnant again does not fill me with joy! However I am beginning to feel like it may be the time, I would love for DS to have a sibling. However when I had my son I feel like people really so shy away from being completely honest about how it feels to become a mum and it was a SHOCK! Can you share with me your honest views and experiences of going from 1 to 2. Some people I’ve spoken to friends etc who have 2 have kind of said it was less of a big deal in terms of lifestyle adjustment because they were already parents. I also think how could I possible love another child as much as I love my son and I worry about him feeling pushed out. All views and opinions greatly appreciated!

I have 3 and wouldn’t change it for the world. My second was born when my first was 2.5. I also worried about loving my second baby as much as my first, and I’ve heard a lot of people say the same thing, but that changed the instant he was born. It’s hard to explain but the love just grows.
The other lovely thing is getting to see the bond between them. We made a big deal of him being ‘your baby brother’ not just our baby - he was so excited to be a big brother and the bond they still have is so lovely to watch.
Don’t get me wrong- of course it was tricky managing 2, suddenly there are 2 top priorities on your life so getting the balance isn’t easy, but it is less of a shock than the first. A few times I’ve had a mum of 1 ask me how on earth I manage with 3, I’ve told them that honestly the hardest time of all was the first few weeks with the first one!

I felt that going from 1-2 was so much harder than going from 0-1. We have a small age gap (under 2 years) and whilst DC1 was an ‘easy’ baby, very little whinging, slotted right into our life etc, DC2 was not the same. Having a whingey, unsettled newborn and a toddler is rough, and constantly trying to meet the needs of two children who are at very different stages is hard. That being said, now DC2 is 1, things are getting a bit easier, their bond is lovely and I love them both more than anything. But I do sometimes miss the days it was just me and DC1 and how much easier that was.

0-1 was like being hit by a bus
1-2 was easier i was way more prepared.

I love the smaller age gap now youngest in coming up 18m

Double the work. Especially when they have different needs at same time.

I'd say, triple the work because you have two individuals to parent and also parenting their interactions with each other. Sibling rivalry is a lot of work.

With one child it's like you are one foot out and one foot in (if you have a decent partner or help). With two, you have both feet in and cannot manoeuvre as much.

I didn't really experience any shock with my first, she just slotted into life. 2 slotted in as well, though was a 'harder' baby. Looking after a newborn and a toddler was fine, the tricky bit was the toddler. A toddler and a preschooler was the hardest bit.

In the early years the work isn't doubled with 2, it's 2 squared. Whilst 1 didn't feel difficult it wasn't a total doddle either, but only handling 1 child I've you are used to 2, is like a holiday.

Now they are school age they play together lot and that gives me more peace than when there's only one at home.

One thing that stands out though in my memory is being given a sudden life threatening and life changing diagnosis for one child and the first thing I did was to phone to arrange childcare for my other child. Even in times of crisis, you have to split yourself

Your heart expands to love both and it's definitely worth it. There are no guarantees in life but mine are best friends and it's beautiful to watch.

I'm also thinking about this OP. Friend described it to me as losing the last remaining semblance of your previous life. Partner can currently prioritise baby when I need a break. But that isn't so easy with 2.

And I REALLY value my time away to decompress after day being a SAHM.

Having said that I'm desperately worried I'll regret only having one. I'll be sad if all of the firsts are also the lasts. And I worry about baby not having a sibling after DH and I are gone, for support.

So, can't really offer any advice, but I do think it can be such a hard decision - I feel for you!

Personally finding it tough. There’s a 3.5 year age gap so their needs are very different and it’s hard
to give each their time. The elder one has struggled not being an only and the attention seeking is off the charts. It is double the work. I do think it’ll be easier once the younger one is older, though.

Oh and I also worrried about not loving my second as much but honestly, your heart just expands to love both. Before they arrived I just couldn’t imagine them slotting into our life of 3 but now they are here I can’t believe I ever questioned loving them. They are very different children also which has been so interesting to see. They are nothing alike. Despite my slightly negative post above, it is lovely (but yes, still hard).

I think a lot depends on your children's personalities.

I found 0-1 very tough. But my son had colic and in retrospect I probably should have had some mental health support. I didn't want to admit how hard I was finding it. I wasn't even sure I wanted another one really, but my husband was very sure he didn't want an only child and persuaded me.

1-2 however was wonderful. I strangely found having two easier than having one. 27 months between them. My full on toddler turned out to be the most gentle and loving big brother, immediately obsessed with his sibling. And the baby was a revelation - happy, slept, rarely cried. From pretty early on they entertained each other. I did keep big brother in nursery 2.5 days a week to have a breather though.

My family was happier and more complete with two. In fact I was so content that I even went on to have number 3.

I've found it to be a lot more work and a lot less free time. With one, we could split duties more. The hardest stage of having 2 so far was toddler and preschooler as someone else mentioned above. I love the bond they share though and I obviously love them! They are also completely different characters so don't expect a copy of your first. That has taken some getting used to in regards to our parenting. Not going to lie, I look at only child families and think wow that must be nice sometimes because of the extra time, money etc

I'm now expecting my 3rd. Like you I had a traumatic pregnancy and labour with DC1, wasn't prepared at all for what was to come. 4 year age gap (non voluntary, 4 misscarriges in between), DC2 born last year and it was hands down the best thing I ever done for our family. DC1 absolutely loves the 'baby' we knew within 7 months of DC2 I wanted DC3 to complete our family, I was pregnant a month later and now due in a couple of weeks. That bond between the 1st born and 2nd born is unmatched and such a wonderful thing to witness and be apart of. My only advice I have is take care of yourself during pregnancy, advocate for yourself and be organised and know what pain relief you want in labour. I had a wonderful delivery with DC2 and it played a huge part in my PP recovery I think.

It was less of an adjustment than having DC1. DC2 was a worse sleeper, but I could roll with it more, as I knew it was temporary. Overall I found I was far less anxious, even if I was busier. The bits I did find difficult were:

• Not getting a break when DC2 was napping unless I had magically lined up both DCs naps.
• Having to time DC2s naps around our schedule e.g. getting him to nap early enough so he could nap properly before I needed to do the school run
• Roughly 6m-9m when DC2 was crawling everywhere and often got frustrated. He was an early walker, which really helped in our case.
• Competing needs - when they were both talking/crying at once. This one still happens now!
• Bedtime when DH was out. I could definitely do double bedtime alone, but I did always feel afterwards I deserved a medal for complex planning in order to achieve success!

What helped us:

• 3 year gap so DC1 could do lots independently e.g. going to the toilet and could help in small ways e.g. showing DC2 a toy whilst I cooked
• DC1 being in nursery some of the time
• I liked having a routine with DC1. Although I was tired, I focused less in it than I did with DC1.
• In my case, I was less anxious, which I only realised looking back. My anxiety was mostly sleep related (insomnia and night time dread). For others who are anxious about things like getting weaning right, it can help you have done it before and don't need to think so much about it.

I agree with this completely and am 50/50 as to having a second due to all this. Need to decide now as im 39

You definitely love the 2nd as much, it is at least double the work but I am "running on empty" more and have had to "be selfish" to carve out bits for myself.

Standards have also fallen somewhat.
kids are clean house isnt a biohazard but Organisation of the house, tidiness, effort put into meals etc has all dropped.
I was very on top of things before I'd describe it as dropping from a 9 to 6.5.

@DeedlessIndeed @Petrie999 One is a lot easier, and you can get a break.
Also at 3 or so they become way more self sufficient...
I knew if i got out out baby stage fully i prob wouldnt want to go back 😅 so went for it and had 2 under 2.

I 100% dont regret it and was more prepared but most of the first 12m was hard going / surviving - i bought in a lot of help (meal prep/ ready meals, cleaner and night nanny). Now youngest is almost 18m i am in a holding pattern/ keeping things calm / not doing any "projects" which i expect to last until youngest is 3

Honestly if I knew I had no family support and no ability to buy in extra support I am not sure I'd have had such a small gap.

Both the love and the "work" grow exponentially.

@Lafufufu yes we have no family support at all and at 2.5yo now have never had anyone babysit. We have 4 days childcare and a cleaner but no potential for anything else. I think family support makes a big difference - we can only tag in each other

Hi
thanks everyone for your input! Really mixed views which I guess is a combination of many different factors. My mum is a good support for us but she is really all we have in terms of a babysitter. I really didn’t think of it as ‘doubling’ or as some have put it more than doubling the work but I guess that where they have different needs that would almost certainly be the case! Have some thinking to do 🙃

I have a bigger age gap, but personally I loved seeing the relationship between the two of them. It changed the dynamic for the better, and seemed to bring more fun into the house as adults can pretend to be silly, but they just don't have the same fun and humour as another child. I also loved how my eldest was protective of his new sibling (although quarrels came later too!).
It can be harder work, but it didn't really find it that bad.

It's also a lot better for days out and holidays, unless you can guarantee always being able to take a friend along when they get a bit older. They just have more fun with someone to play with.