Planning on leaving my partner can any lone parent advise?

[Mummytoonee]

I have posted on the line parent thread but i haven’t been able to get a response.

Hi everyone,
i am hoping for some advice if anyone can help.
I am going to leave my partner of 8 years. we have a wonderful little boy together who is nearly 2.
he adores our son but is selfish, he goes out most weekends with friends drinking and playing / watching sport. After a night out and coming home hungover he will say he will spend the following weekend as a family but when the weekend comes it doesn’t happen and he’s made other plans. It feels like he purposely starts arguments with me to go out and will disappear all weekend. I know it sounds silly but he barely speaks to me. We do not have adult conversations when our son is in bed he will just ignore me and sit on his phone or watch TV.
it came to a head last night when I had planned to go out with a family member for a meal and a few drinks. He said it wasn’t fair I was going out again (I work evenings so he puts our son to bed 3 nights a week) he came home from work and immediately appeared angry and anything I said he mocked or took offence to. He ended up leaving so I couldn’t go.
The way he speaks to me sometimes can be awful and I wouldn’t let anyone else speak to me like that. He gives me a set amount of money a week to pay for what he sees as his board and lodging to pay for bills and the house but everything else is on me (we pay 50/50 bills). He earns considerably more than me but it is all gone within a few days with nothing to show for it.
I have tried everything to build a family unit but he is too selfish.
he left again last night and no doubt he will come back on Sunday evening like most weekends excepting to come back home and carry on as normal after ignoring me all weekend.
can anyone advice how I stick to my guns and do not let him back. I’m drained with it all and I feel like a lone parent anyway. I am scared to be on my own and how I will cope but I know it’s for the best. I don’t want my little boy to see us argue and think it’s normal or use the words my partner calls me.
i just feel so weak but his behaviour is making me miserable.
can any lone parents advise on how to build a new life alone.
Thankyou

Sorry for the way this is written I was frantically writing while my son napped x

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP.
Well done for refusing to take anymore, you and your son do not deserve this and it’s damaging to you both.
Do you have any friends and family you can lean on? You should tell someone in real life.
I am thinking of leaving too and I’ve hidden the reality of my relationship from those close to me for a long time. It’s on of my regrets. If I’d have opened up about it to them long ago I’m sure I wouldn’t still be here!

Thankyou for your reply. I really appreciate it.
I try not to tell my friends mainly because I’m embarrassed. This time round I have opened up to my family which has helped,
I am so sorry you’re going through something similar.
I am so unhappy and miserable I don’t want to waste anymore of my life

Get your ducks in a row , and get free
you won’t regret it
but get smart as to the The finances before you do anything

The first thing is where are you going to live? Do you own or rent? Whose property is it, or who is on the tenancy?

I separated 6 months ago and my only regret is I tried to preserve as long as I did, and the DC have been fat more damaged by what they have witnessed then they would have been if I'd left years ago when he first started treating me badly.

Start by putting your income into a benefits calculator and see if you can get any help, especially with childcare. Possibly also see if it's possible to change your hour, as evening childcare can be tricky.

I was terrified of doing it alone as I have two DC with SEN. It's still pretty intense but actually much easier without someone around undermining you, messing up your routine and getting DC working up or upset, then leaving you to deal with it.

Thankyou for everybody’s replies.
i currently rent in my home village. We are both on the tenancy but i will remain in this home. I am wondering if i can request just my name on the tenancy agreement.
he tends to go back to his home village when ever he can (most weekends).

the hard part today is he has got back in touch because it’s Sunday with his tail between his legs making promises to change, access counselling etc. it feels like a guilt trip. This has happened many times before it may last a day or two then it’s quickly back to how it was before. A small part of me thinks it might change but I know deep down it won’t and i am just enabling this behaviour more.

Thankyou so much for your advice,
I have just used the benefit calculator and I am entitled to more money than he gives me per month.
I am sorry you had to go through this too but I am glad you have left. It’s a very hard decision to make xx

Great news that your entitled to benefits, once you know you'll manage financialy, it lifts a weight and makes the step into the unknown a bit less scary.

I also ended up getting more in benefits them ex had been contributing. It was actually quite eye opening to realise that the benefits system, which is notorious for being tight almost to the point of cruelty, was willing to provide more for his children then he was. It really made it hit home quite how uneven (well financially abusive) our set up had been.

Really hope you fine a way out, I'll be thinking of you xx

100% doing the right thing. It will only get worse.
my abusive ex would do exactly the same, starting a fight so he could go out - I left and never looked back.
You will probably be better off financially too as a previous poster mentioned and you don’t need to tell your landlord you are claiming benefits as far as I understand.

Omg just do it. You will feel so much more free and better off with money it seems.

Tbh it sounds as if he has a sniffing problem. Thats where his weekends and money are going.

I can wholeheartedly recommend single parenting above parenting with a deadbeat.

It sounds like he’s either putting his salary up his nose, or spending it on something else nefarious/ stashing it in savings while you struggle. No woman should ever have to depend on handouts from the father of their child. That’s so degrading.

You’ll be so much happier when you’re plotting your own course without this manchild hanging off your coattails.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

This is a great post with lots of inspiration from other woman on how to move on.

My ex morphed into a selfish arse after ds was born, so I made the leap too, and life is so much better.

Plans made actually happen, No more disappointment for my child. A clean calm, happy home, rather than atmosphere and arguments. My child is confident, kind and considerate, rather than growing up like his dad.

Everything is better and once that first step into the unknown is over, all I felt was relief.

Don't hesitate, you are doing the right thing.

You will be fine financially once the benefits kick in for you and little one. The problem is the joint tenancy you would need both persons agreement for one to be removed

I don’t want my little boy to see us argue and think it’s normal or use the words my partner calls me.

Just focus here, if you feel like you're going to take him back, remember what you're doing it for, and what you want your future to look like.

You can do it alone, you already are. I've been more lonely in shit relationships than out of them, that's a fact.

Thankyou everyone for your kind messages.
I think I have been in denial about how bad it really is but this comments have made me give my head a shake.
as for people saying he is putting his money up his nose you’re right. I know he does this when he disappears as he won’t come home. In February it came to a head when I questioned where all his money was going eventually he admitted when he was hungover and vulnerable that he is gambling over £1000 a month ( that is £200 more than what he gave me towards the house) the rest spent on drinking etc.
he promised me he would get out of a huge amount of debt and stop everything, but it did not changed. I know this weekend he won a large amount of money over 3k. He gave me £190 for my son and said he can finally start a fresh and begged for forgiveness. Deep down I know nothing will change.
he is asking for support and help as he hates the person he is. I have tried so hard before I don’t have the energy to do it again. I have tried everything in the past from taking over the money for us both and accessing couples counselling but he calls me controlling.
any thing we did I would pay for or we have have to go 50/50.
I am sorry to dump all this on here but I don’t have many people to talk to about this at home. I lost my mum last year suddenly and sometimes I feel like my family support him as he wears an incredible mask.

DO NOT listen to him OP. You know he won't change. He has shown you who he is. Here's what you do:

1. Tell him you are ending the relationship and he has to leave the house today.
2. Be ready for all the things he will say. He will cry, plead, beg, then get angry etc etc etc. Don't engage jn conversation. Just get him out. If you really need to, tell him you can talk once you've had some time apart and you can think (you won't ever need to talk because it's over but this might be a way to shut him down and get him out of your house today). Just keep repeating IT'S OVER.
3. Stay strong. You know 100% that he cannot stay and that you have to do this for your son.

Remember that even if he came back in one year having done months of therapy and rehab and claiming to be completely cured and begging forgiveness, you still wouldn't take him back. Because 1) the way he has treated you for years already is unforgivable and 2) you would always be waiting for his relapse, which would inevitably happen. The trust is gone.
And anyway you know that the months of rehabilitation will never happen anyway.

It's him that is doing this and causing this, not you. He is the cause of the relationship ending, not you.

Do it TODAY

Just a heads up, when the begging dose not work he might start telling you he feels so bad that he's considering suicide (mine did this and they seem to be of the same mold). This is a very common tactic to pressure you to take him back. Do not let it work, direct him to A&E or call non emergency police to do a welfare check.