10 yr old constantly getting into rages and self harming

[Oceangrey]

My son has always got angry easily so this isn't a new thing.
But a few times a day he'll get into a rage about something (minor), he yells at his parents or sister, he's then rude, disrespectful, mean. It's very upsetting even though I try to stay calm, but don't always manage that.

He also takes his feelings out on himself. He digs his fingernails into his palms or legs, rubs his hands against rough surfaces, picks scabs off, runs his nails down his face or legs.

I do understand it because I have those tendancies myself but have gradually got better at dealing with my own feelings.

He's clearly getting angry or upset easily and then because it's an unpleasant feeling he's trying to get rid of it by either taking it out on other people or himself.

His sister (7) is similar but when she gets upset she cries instead of getting angry. Which is also very wearing but socially more acceptable!

My husband and I are pretty worn down by the constant emotional disregulation from both kids.

Think likely one of both have ADHD but I don't know for sure.

On a more positive note they are wonderful in other respects and very very close to each other.

Any advice welcome!

If you think he has ADHD I would start treating him as though he has.

So up his protein but not in UPF form

Up his exercise, see if he’s willing to start Martial Arts as the Sensei will teach him how to stay calm, or boxing.

See if you can do the C25K together.

Try getting him to listen to some meditation aimed at preteens, there will be some on YouTube. Meditation is amazing if you have ADHD.

And obviously model dealing with anger in a constructive way yourselves

This article from the NHS has some useful links in too

Thank you that is helpful. Hopeful bump for any other advice?
We had a bit of a nightmare over dinner in a restaurant last night due to his anger issues.

I was going to suggest the same. Exercise. Get him a treadmill or get him out doing runs so he learns to channel it. It will help regulate him.

What did he get angry in the restaurant over @Oceangrey?

He needs to learn to control his anger what about taekwando or karate classes.

A number of things - having to share a (massive) burger and fries with his sister rather than having his own, not being allowed to play on a phone, being told he can't go to a friend's party because we'll be away, being then asked to sit up and be part of the conversation rather than lie down and bang his head again the table... Essentially things which he could be legitimately annoyed by but not angry to the extent he was, which ruined the (birthday) meal for others.

I should add he was probably pretty tired from the day and the restaurant was loud, which he finds difficult, so circumstances were not ideal and he probably felt overwhelmed. But his behaviour was terrible. In the end he left early with my husband and apparently was fine on the walk home.

so the standard advice is to reduce demands while teaching him acceptable coping strategies.

so if you can predict in advance that he will get upset about something either don’t do it or do it differently.

in a similar way to if your toddler always tantrums at the supermarket the easiest solution is to do online shopping while working on their emotional regulation skills.

to be fair it is the dog days of the summer term - is he always like this or is it a recent thing? Mine were always very very tired this time of year and we toned down a lot of the activities and spent more time chilling out at home.

I do agree with cutting down on demands as well as working in self-regulation. Last night seems like he had an awful lot to deal with. Neither of mine would have been able to cope with sharing a meal at that age, and if they were forced to then the rest of the night wouldn’t have gone well. We’ve always found that it’s easier to let them choose exactly what they eat or stay at home.

Does he use his phone for self regulation? Was he offered a different activity to help him regulate like an adult offering to take him outside for a short walk?

I think at the point he was banging his head i would have paid and gone home.

The book The Explosive Child is good at helping you to come up with strategies to reduce demands in him, which in turn will help him regulate.

Strategies like this do require tou to change your thinking on how you parent but I think you’re realising that normal parenting techniques probably aren’t working right now?

You mention that you also struggle to regulate your emotions. Can you tell us ore about that?

Take all those points.

They are often/usually fine in restaurants but yes I think they were tired. We were with extended family so couldn't all pay and leave but yes an adult took him for a walk for a bit which did help.

They both wanted to eat the same thing and sharing is normal - they had a load of starters too which were shared between the table (and birthday cake earlier) so a big burger each would have been too much food.

He doesn't have a phone. I'm sure sitting a playing on a phone would have helped him regulate (most adults also use phones to regulate!) but I'm not going down the path of giving him a phone every time he's upset because that feels like exceptionally poor parenting.

I've read the explosive child yes, it was ok, and somewhat helpful but didn't solve the issues really.

This morning we were trying to leave the house and I kept the peace by trying to get the kids separately getting ready, but as soon as I left for 2min to go to the loo we had him angry and her crying about absolutely nothing.

My own emotions - I try and keep calm and supportive but this is absolutely constant at the moment so find it impossible not to end up lecturing/getting cross/getting upset sometimes.

I’d look at ASD and ADHD.
Sounds like there were a number of overwhelming things going on at the restaurant.

Ok so if you’ve tried the suggestions on the Explosive Child and you’re still struggling it sounds like it’s time to seek some support. Have you spoken to the School Nurse service or asked if the school SENCO can observe him?

The whole restaurant situation does sound as though he was being set up for failure though

Both kids are on the waiting list for assessment already and we may go private to get it done faster.
But also looking for advice day to day, for now.

Restaurant was an example but this is happening all the time in many situations, not just noisy restaurants!

Caudwell Children might be able to help with ASD assessments but unfortunately can’t help with ASD. We ended up going through the Community Paediatric Team who also diagnosed ARFID and ADHD so I’m glad we did as DC2 is about to trial medication.

I think, as per my first post, you just have to parent as though they are diagnosed for now. We talked a lot at the beginning about people on the publie été who are ND and we still talk a lot about things we do as adults to regulate our emotions and hpw that’s beneficial to us avd model things like doing mediation, going for a walk, that kind of thing. DC2 also has a fre l pass not to go to events if they think that they’ll be too overwhelming. It was a bit more difficult to sort when they were younger but now they stay home or go out with their friends. Although they do tend to day occasionally Thats they don’t see the family much and have to be reminded that they often duck out of all of the get togethers.