Please advise on how to counteract DD negativity

[checkyourcables]

DD is 15 and has just finished her year 10 mocks. She has diagnosed ADHD, for which she takes medication on school days. It was suggested at the time of her diagnosis that she may be autistic but I didn’t want to pursue that at the time.

She struggled terribly academically but is at a good school, has a tutor and has come on in leaps and bounds in the last couple of years. She’s always been “young” for her age, struggled to make friends. She’s in quite a good place with her friendships now although rarely sees them outside school.

She has a real tendency to catastrophise, is frequently negative and my sister commented that she appears to be an angry young woman.

I’ve always encouraged her to do extra curriculars that are her interests, drama, music etc and have paid for these over the years, sometimes hundreds of pounds a month. One by one she has dropped them all. I know she has to study and I’ve been supportive but last night she said she was dropping her musical instrument. She used to love it but hasn’t been practicing much without me nagging her.

I think it’s all very well to tell me it’s her life and she will do what’s best for her but her friends are all doing Duke of Edinburgh etc and what will she have on her personal statement that says who she is? She doesn’t do any sport and is not sporty. I recognise that sport and Duke of Edinburgh is not her wheelhouse and haven’t pushed that at all.

I’m at my wits end with how to help her. I’m a single parent and have tried over the years to ensure she has a full life, explores her talents and reaches her potential. I work full time and am an older mum so get pretty tired now.

This feels like a crucial time and if I drop the rope now (which is what I feel like doing) it could have an impact on the rest of her life.

I feel like I have to do everything for her, she has such a negative outlook she monologues constantly on how things are unfair, she hates this or that teacher, just feels like a constant barrage of negativity. I’m terrified her mindset will fix into this negativity permanently and that is who she will be as an adult.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but any advice would be welcome.

I think you should pursue the autism diagnosis while she’s in school and has access to it. Once she leaves eduction it will be very difficult, or costly, to get her assessed.

Hi Persephone thanks for replying. I have been thinking about the autism a lot over the last couple of years. She has a yearly appointment with a lovely psychiatrist at CAHMS and I did raise it with her. She said given DD’s age it would be something for her to pursue herself if she so chose. DD has been seeing this psychiatrist since she was 8 and trusts her.

My autistic daughter is younger than your DD (she's nearly 14) but is also very "glass half empty". She's at her worst when she's anxious about other things, or tired, which she is at the moment due to the hot weather and the end of term.

Some things she enjoys are - going out for solitary bike rides, baking (she follows TikTok recipes) and those gem art pictures. She also really likes geocaching. She is about to start an online British Sign Language course too. I know it might not feel the same as a paid-for hobby but there are plenty of interests your DD could pursue that might make her better rounded for when she moves on to college/ uni. Is it likely she's going to be going somewhere ultra competitive and really need her personal statement to stand out? I've accepted our DD just won't hack the pressure of that.

It can be very draining to live with and I do find it hard to seperate what's Kevin the Teenager style eye rolling and what is genuine depression. We are luckily more in the first region at the moment but it does fluctuate. Will she have 6 weeks off the medication for the summer?

Does your DD's school have lunchtime and after school clubs? IME these are usually free and are easier to commit to than a paid club outside school. Eg my DC's school has Eco club, library club, chess club, debating etc. Would any of them appeal to her? Also - a lot of universities don't really care about the personal statement as long as her predicted grades are ok.

If she autistic and has ADHD then life will be harder for her and overhelming at times. Cutting back on extras is probably a sensible choice.

A strong sense of justice is typical among autistic people.

I would talk to your daughter about assesment for ASD and consider going down the right to choose option.

I would also encourage her to pursue an autism diagnosis. It will be helpful for her to know that her difficulties have a cause.

The negativity is difficult, but I think lots of teens go through this.

What are her hopes for the future? I'd see if any optimism (and subsequent action) can be found there.

It's fairly usual for teens to drop activities as academic demands ramp up. And for personal statements these days, in fact especially for Oxbridge, the advice is not to put extra curricular in at all, or at most a sentence, which your daughter can do drawing on what she has already done.

She sounds very unhappy though, as if she really doesn't know who she is or what she cares about and enjoys at this point. To be honest, without knowing more about her I feel unsure about the idea that she might be ASD. It sounds more as if she may be depressed - dropping activities, lacking motivation, negativity. I do wonder about a chat with the psychiatrist about this side of things, especially as they have known her a long time.

Do you think there's any mileage in sitting down with her, acknowledging that maybe she's outgrown some of the things she used to enjoy, and wondering with her what else would add some balance and happiness to her life? Does she have friends?

Read up on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It’s often a feature with ADHD.

I would agree about pursuing the ASD diagnosis, especially if that was raised when she was diagnosed with ADHD. The literature I’ve read on AuDHD shows how complicated it can be when you’re managing two things that can at times be in conflict with each other.

My DC has ASD and after school hobbies have never really worked for them, they’re just too exhausted from the school day. We dig into areas of special interest during the holidays and they sometimes go to holiday courses at these times, when they have the energy for it,

This!!

Would she do a gratitude journal every evening ?
write down or draw or paint three things she is grateful for every day ?
really helps you to see the glass is way more than half full.

Thank you so much for all your replies, definitely food for thought there, and reassurance that dropping the activities isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Some answers - yes she will have six weeks off during which she will be off the medication. She’ll have a week at home then we’re going to family in Europe where she has a cousin she can hang out with for 2 weeks.

I don’t try to pile too much expectation on her but she is diligent and I know the exams have been tough on her.

Several of the replies have said to pursue the autism diagnosis. I pursued the ADHD diagnosis because I felt the medication would help and it has been a godsend for her in her education. I’m not sure what benefit a diagnosis would achieve at this stage and I’m a bit worried to bring it up.

Interesting about the strong sense of justice. She’s also very pale and has a exceptionally strong sense of smell.

I love her very much and want her to have a happy life. I don’t want to be a pushy mum but I also know that life is hard for young people.

Autistic women are much more likely to have mental health problems. 13 times more likely to die by suicide, they account for 25 to 35% of those being treated for anorexia and 90% will be diagnosed with at least one mental health issue. Diagnosis and understand yourself is considered to be a significant protective factor and ensures appropriate treatment.