Husband taking the piss

[Llili600]

Husband about to go away for a four day wedding. He has decided to go to the gym tonight the night before he goes leaving me to sort kids out. He regularly works late/nights and at weekends. Feel often like a single parent which is fine when I feel it's outside his control. For example also last night he was working. But given this is the last evening I will see him or have any help before a long hot weekend with the kids, and he could have technically been at home, am I wrong to feel a little annoyed.

Well yes, he's taking the piss. Which you already know.

Nah I'd be pissed too

I'd be fuming!

Does he not actually care about seeing or spending time with the kids before he goes? Assuming he's barely seen them today.

He does work hard so sometimes I think he deserves to go and relax. But surely there has to be a balance. If I'm alone last weekend, alone last night, alone this weekend, tonight just wasnt the night for it. I should say too that our kids are young and so still quite hard work

He absolutely does. But going to relax without checking in with you as to whether it's actually ok before swanning off for days is very different to just telling you it's happening. I work bloody hard but me and my husband always check in first before not being around for bed time.

Did you say you would prefer him to stay home to give you a rest before you fly solo for 4 days.?

No I didn't and I take the point. I had thought it should be obvious but I think on reflection I have allowed this to happen.

Sounds like this should have been your night off to go out before being left with the kids.

So you didn't ask him to be home or look after the kids so you could have the evening off (not that you should have to).
How do you think he'd react if you asked him to give you one evening off? Is there a reason you haven't asked him?
I'm old and cynical but I think these men know full well that they are taking the piss. But they will keep doing it until you pull them up on it.
It's what happens then that lets you know whether your particular bloke was just taking advantage while he was unchallenged, or if he's one of the nasty sods who really doesn't care about you at all.

He is not a bad person. I think he hugely underestimates the energy it takes to do bed time every evening or how lonely it can be at home without him as currently on maternity leave with our 3rd. I think part of the reason there is a difference and why I've not spoken up before is he technically works and so a night off does seem appropriate. I don't know when I'm going to get any time off but I think without badness more ignorance a lot of my life looks like time off to him.

The day he gets back, arrange to go out with friends and leave the kids with him. Only fair really.

From a romance perspective I guess it would have been nice if he wanted to spend an evening with his wife before going away.

😂

When he gets home, educate him on what it's like doing what you do. If it's so easy, he should have no problem taking over for just one evening.
Maybe you are right and he's just not thought about it. But you need to test out your theory. Don't just accept it. You'll feel really stupid if you find out that he knew exactly what he was doing all along.
Why haven't you asked him to step up or told him what it's really like for you? Is it easier just to assume the best of his motives? Are you afraid of what you'll find out if you push it?

Yes I definitely would have pulled him up on it. My DH is about to go away at the weekend for work and will be away for 5 bedtimes. I have no doubt that he'll be doing as much as he can over the next few nights and the morning before he leaves for the airport he will kick me out of the house for a couple of hours of alone time.

Shit of him.

You’re not valuing your time and work (parenting) highly enough. It’s as important as his. He is taking 4 days leisure time and doesn’t ‘deserve’ even more time (or any more leisure time than you) because he’s doing his paid job and you’re on mat leave. With three young DC your work is challenging.

Tell him, and make adjustments so that you get equivalent leisure time. If he’s decent he will do better.

Can you take next weekend for yourself?
Agreed it’s a bit shit of him, but I think he’s just not thought.

You need to book your own weekend away even if you take the baby and just leave him with older two. Don’t get into the trap of being the default parent with a partner who doesn’t feel confident with their own children or doesn’t know how hard work it is. You need equal leisure time.

He technically does paid work what 40 hours a week? And you technically do unpaid work what 24 hours a day 7 days a week. So perhaps make sure you both have equal downtime.
If he deserves an evening and a weekend off then you do too.
Or do you both see looking after children as not proper work?

Thanks everyone. I did raise it last night and he has been very apologetic. I think I need to learn to be more assertive in asking for what I need. I do think because my work at the moment is in the home, I sometimes get confused myself of whether it carries the same weight as paid work. when of course it does. I need to remember that I am a human too!

This is a good, healthy, outcome for you all.

Yes, work on your self care and prioritise your needs - and indeed your wants/wishes. You are as important as others in the family.

A caring partner shouldn’t wait for you to be assertive about it, or just to do it, but sadly many fathers / partners prioritise themselves.

He can be as apologetic as he likes because he’s already had his evening off and is buggering off today for four days! It would be his actions that would mean more to me. As in taking the kids next weekend so that you can have a decent break to yourself. If he doesn’t suggest that then he’s not sorry at all!