What is meant by a ‘high needs baby’?

[Justw0nder1ngg]

DS is nine months old and some days are really hard. I spend a lot of my time googling and wondering if things are ‘normal.’

I feel as though I don’t really have a frame of reference as to whether how DS is/has been, is typically expected from a baby, or if he is ‘high needs.’

I’ve seen the phrase a lot on here but I’ve never really seen a definition. What makes a high needs baby? Is it difficult every day or just some days? I’d be so grateful to hear. Thank you.

My daughter I would deem a high needs baby. I found the term when struggling with my experience being so different to my friends. My daughter had to be in my arms all day and night. I paced her continuously just to get her from screaming to grizzly. Making a cup of tea involved picking her up and putting her down about 5 times.
It turned out the cause of this was severe silent reflux and a lot of food allergies to which she reacted to in my diet but it took until 18 months to get her reflux fully under control and 14 months to get her symptom free for allergies.

She's nearly 5 now and can still have high needs. She hasn't outgrown either her reflux and allergies and we find that when she is struggling with either she needs help and support with managing her emotional health.

Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate it.

I take it to just be an informmal shorthand for "my baby is a real handful" rather than an official term with a list of characteristics/strict definition. As such it could cover a lot!

What sorts of things are you going through?

I see it as interchangeable with velcro i.e. scream if they’re put down, cosleep etc. so it’s basically impossible to get a break.

It can mean many things, @Bitzee has explained a very common usage and my experience.

I’m on my third newborn at the moment. Only my first was high needs baby…

Velcro baby wanted to be held a lot
Crying was 0-60 eg immediately incredibly distressed, never a whine or whimper. A screaming cry always
Would wake from all sleep or day naps screaming murder if he woke alone. Never woke and lay there cooing or chatting.
Hated nappy changing
hated buggy and car seat and cot. Only happy co sleeping.
only wanted mummy and no one else. Even daddy was awful
hated the high chair and weaning.

crawled at 6 months on the dot, walked at 10 months and 2 days. Running by the end of the week. Climbed everywhere. Never sad still for a meal, I was frazzled all the bloody hours of the day. Awful. Not a normal baby. However a very content toddler once he could talk and ask for things. Love him to pieces but first year was hard then so much easier

I felt DC1 was high needs. She was unputdownable whether awake or asleep for several months. Couldn’t go in pram between 5 weeks and 5 months or she’d be screaming within minutes. If you tried to transfer her when she was asleep she would know as soon as you started moving her - she wanted to be constantly attached. Basically wanted to crawl back into my womb. Even when things eased a bit she was never easy, never “chilled”. Very alert. Wouldn’t do independent play. Didn’t really like other people.
She’s 3 now and pretty bright, very communicative and empathetic.
I wouldn’t change her for the world (except her sleep!).

ETA- like PP, the 0-60 crying! And the car seat. I’m getting flashbacks to having to lean over and breastfeed her (her still strapped into her car seat) while DH was driving us around the north circular.

My DS2 was a high needs baby.Nearly drove me insane with his constant screaming if he was not continually held.From a few weeks old I swear he would watch me silently leaving the room after putting him in his cot, and begin howling as soon as I went through the door.He would only sleep in his pram if it was moving.
He is now a grandfather and still demanding attention.

Echoing other posters, DS was a high needs baby. Fought every sleep time, woke up constantly, wanted to be held at all times, very sicky, constant diarrhoea, terrible rashes...
CMPA, food allergies, eczema, reflux

Most of the day involved holding him and rocking him while he cried

DD also fought sleep constantly but was generally easier and didn't need constant attention, so I wouldn't have classed her as high needs. I didn't have to rock, sing, soothe her non stop

Hard work basically, hyper sensitive and reactive. It gives a solution as to why a baby is being so hard compared to other babies.

I’ve nothing against it but I got a lot of flack from ils about dd autism diagnosis. They seemed to think I (not dh!) was making it up. But when my niece was born with similar traits to dd they totally accepted sils ‘diagnosis’ that she’s an high needs baby.

One that screams all the time.

Thanks all I really appreciate it. I can relate to the Velcro baby side of things! Contact napping, co-sleeping, walking upon any attempted transfer. Sitting in the back of the car with him while DH drives so that I can feed him if he cries. Hated tummy time. All the above.

Does it always have a cause such as reflux, CMPA or autism/SEN?

Couldn't keep still- so could only rest by walking the pram. Didn't sleep at all in the day. Never stopped. Had a zed chair so I could bounce him with my foot while I cooked, ate or did anything at all that wasn’t walking him around. Escape artist. Lost him so many times.

He didn’t have that thing that DC have that keeps them predictable- with you. It was like nothing made sense and he didn’t know where we all fit, how we connected.

He was unresponsive to all the usual techniques- giving keys while you change the nappy etc.
He was refusing school, running away, having meltdowns.

He switched aged about ten and was the easiest teen, though initially we were really concerned about educational delay. He got there though, and has a great responsible job now. Earns perfectly well.
He was milk intolerant and ND.

DS2 was like a dream- golden child. So easy in comparison. Absolute doddle.

Highly sensitive in some way- could just be sensory stuff. Thin skinned. I think you pay your dues early, but get an easier ride later as a result, personally!

My eldest was a high needs baby 100%. Things I recall were:

1. Never had a ‘sleepy newborn’ phase. His default setting was awake from about 2-3 days old. I had to work extremely hard to get him to sleep. I walked 10-20K steps a day with him in the sling, for example
2. Horrendous witching hour. Screamed from 4pm until gone midnight until about 12 weeks old
3. Very very fractious more generally. Cried readily and easily from a few days old. Hated the car seat and pram and wouldn’t sleep in either. Slept in the carrier if I was walking at pace but screamed blue murder in it awake. Cried during every single bath and nappy change
4. Hated being put down but also didn’t seem to get comfort from being held. Constantly squirmed and moved and jolted his limbs around when being held
5. Wanted to breastfeed constantly
6. Despised tummy time
7. Never had a long phase of sleep at night. We didn’t really feel the 4 month sleep regression as he never left the ‘waking every 1-2 hours phase’
8. Beyond the newborn stage he wanted constant stimulation. Whinged and cried none stop unless I was carrying him around outside, narrating everything for example. I used to be amazed at babies that would happily sit in a bouncer watching the world go by.
9. Was horrendous in the run up to every milestone. Cried and whinged for weeks in the run up to walking.
10. Spoke very early but was delayed with gross and fine motor skills
11. Nightmare to wean until he could use cutlery. Wouldn’t be spoon fed but hated the feel of food.

We went through allergies/reflux etc but I was never convinced. Turns out he’s autistic, potentially ADHD (awaiting assessment) and very, very clever.

Just to add, my second baby wasn’t super easy. He wouldn’t be ‘put down for a nap’ until close to 1 (they were all either in the carrier, pram or contact before that). His night sleep was almost as rubbish as DC1 and he wanted to cosleep/breastfeed all night. He hated the car and also had a spell of crying in the evening. But it was nothing on the scale of DC1 at all. DC2’s baseline mood was largely cheery and content and he was happy to be put down and be entertained with toys/would entertain himself for short spells etc, which made all the difference. He also largely liked being in the carrier or pram awake, so I could get out and about without needing to time it around naps.

Does it always have a cause such as reflux, CMPA or autism/SEN?

No.

I agree also with others that it is something people just say - a sort of self diagnosis. It isn't a diagnosable condition. Some dc are just much harder work than others.

For me it was less about the baby and more about how I was finding the baby. It's not a term that doctors or medical professionals have ever used in relation to my daughter but it helped me describe why I was finding motherhood difficult and why I couldn't do some of the things to support my mental health that other mums suggested. My daughter needed a lot from me and it meant there wasn't a lot of time and energy for me.

I think there are many reasons for an unsettled baby and not everyone identifies the cause but they mostly self resolve with time. My gran had a hard time with her youngest. She always put it down to the 16 months age gap between her and the next eldest plus having a hospital bound child. It was only when said baby had a grandchild with silent reflux 60 years later that behaved exactly the same way my gran realised that the silent reflux was probably the reason she had an unsettled baby!

DS, now 14, was always a very fidgety baby. Needing to be constantly 'moving', cried a lot, grumpy, this got better when he became able to move about independently. But once this happened, he was like a non-stop whirlwind! He woke at 5am for years, refused to nap also. Was later diagnosed with ADHD.

DD was like a dream in comparison! She napped, slept past 6am, sat nicely when out in restaurants. If she cried it was much easier to work out what was going on with her.

I think that babies who are like this just don’t like being babies very much. I had a Velcro baby but as he started to develop and meet milestones he got easier, because he hated being a baby. I don’t think there’s necessarily a cause, it’s just their personality.