Regret..when does it get easier?

[NamechangetoBroccoli]

I've name changed as I feel guilty writing this.
I have a 3 month old baby who is beautiful and I love them so much. But oh my goodness do I miss my old life. 😓 Me and my DH had a wonderful life together beforehand. We struggled to conceive, but with help from the fertility clinic got pregnant. We were so so excited. We love our baby but we're finding it so so tough. Baby hates leaving the house, hates the pram, doesn’t like the carrier, feeds (ebf) every 1-2 hours which is very tiring, only contact naps in the day and is getting too heavy for me to do this.
We miss our walks, times together, just being with eachother without the stress of having a baby.
Does this get to a point where it's easier and enjoyable?

I promise you it gets easier. Hang on tight you’ll get through this, 4-6 months was a turning point to me. I now have a 3.5 yo girl and she’s my world and DH and I have much more of our old life back. Sending you love, and don’t feel guilty at all. Try and fill your cup as often as you can and take care of yourself, babe as many breaks as you can x

It got a lot easier when I went back to work, just in terms of feeling like I had a life again. In terms of us, as a couple, I’d say things felt more normal around the 2 year mark.

Sorry, that’s going to seem really far away now, but it really isn’t.

As for you yourself, can you schedule in some time on the weekend to do something you enjoy or that gives you a break? Dh can take baby out for a walk while you have a coffee in bed and read a book. Can you book in a spa day or a lunch with friends and Dh can lurk nearby and bring baby to you for a feed?

It doesn't get easier (or if it does maybe in 5+ years), but you do get more used to parenting and that helps. Also some stages you'll find easier than others.

In terms of time as a couple, I found we had loads for the first few months as it didn't feel like baby intruded in it that much. Then came the extra of not even being able to finish a conversation which screwed over time together for a few years. You can get it back when your baby/child starts reliably sleeping well in the evening. Some people get that after a few months, others secret years, and for many it's up and down. We still often only get an hour to ourselves in the evening because we have insomniac bad sleepers. They are 6+8. But we are the outliers.

I felt like this for the first 3 months, I remember saying WTF have we done. 4-5 months were a lot easier but still a treadmill of feeds and naps and wake ups.

At 6 months I started to see the light and enjoy some of it. At 10 months she became a whole little person and it got fun.

Honestly? In the primary school years.
Mine went to nursery from four and five months and I went back to work. Felt 1000% better. We had no help. Used to take annual leave together just to spend time without babies or young children.
Twenty years ago, all bonded just fine and never a single regret.

As @mindutopia said, the couples thing does get back to more normal around the 2 year stage. Sounds like a long time away but I promise it goes by so fast. Can't speak about getting easier because I didn't breast feed and from what I've read on here, it seems like for the first few months baby just feeds and feeds and feeds😅 honestly it's completely normal to feel the way you do. Babies are a massive shock to the system and it takes time to find out what your routine is going to be. Enjoy little one now and remember that you're going to be a couple for years still so this tiny bit of time where you can't be as you were is nothing in the grand scheme of things

Around 14 / 15 months was an absolute amazing turning point for me with my first.

Right now you are deep in the trenches, its like the world's biggest comedown after the initial euphoric high. Just rest as much as you can at the minute and hang on in there x

I posted something very similar when my daughter was born nearly 3 years ago. I promise promise promise with my whole heart it gets so much easier and so much more enjoyable!! It’s bloody hard right now and you’re not alone in thinking that - I found the newborn stage is boring, scary and just awful!

The 3 month mark is incredibly hard. You're over the initial high and you realize your life has changed, permanently, and that babies are very demanding for a long time. My baby is almost 11 months. It's up and down tbh so far. 5-7 months was the absolute best. Mine was early with things so was crawling at 6.5 months and walking at 10 months which is really really hard because they're so little. Add in weaning, allergies, teething, illnesses as they socialize more, it's a rollercoaster of emotions really. I don't think you go back to that old life until maybe primary school.

I really mourned the loss of it being just me and DH. We’d been together a long time before we had DS, had a great life, and were very happy.

I loathed the newborn stage and thought we’d made an appalling mistake. I was googling adoption services in the early hours.

It gets much, much better. Think about it, you can’t love your baby yet. You don’t know them, and they’re not yet a person. All they do is cry, and you spend your life trying to figure out what they’re crying about. Eventually they will be a person. You will be telling your child about what they were like as a baby. DS is now 13 and a delight.

For now, I would acknowledge that you miss your old life and your pre-baby relationship, and that it’s a huge change. And do whatever is easiest for now. If that’s staying in more, do that. DS screamed like a banshee in his pushchair until I realised that he got scared when he couldn’t see and hear me, so I just talked to him all the time so he knew I was there.

A book I found helpful was Naomi Stadlen’s What Mothers Do (Especially When It Looks Like Nothing).

I found it easier once we'd established a routine. With both of mine that was around 3 months. I followed the eat, play, sleep method using the recommended wake windows. I was ebf too and it helped space feeds out and also start to get reliable naps. By about 6 months, they were consistently going to bed before me and dh and that helped loads as felt like we got some baby free time most evenings before we went to bed. It definitely gets easier. I do recommend trying a routine if you haven't yet. In some ways it's restrictive to follow a routine, but it's also freeing because things get more predictable and that allows you to plan easier.

But routine or not, it does get easier so hang in there!

Thank you everyone. Just hearing how others have felt the same but love it now is so helpful. 💜

@Smallhaircut thank you, this is just what I needed.

About 4 months onwards! Then again at 11 months and 4 months when sleep improved.

Carrier - try some different ones, use a sling library or consultant if you can. The right fit makes a big difference.

Pram - you can (HV showed me this) put a rolled up towel or blanket under the mattress in the pram so there's a small incline - good for babies who want to see more and/or feeling gassy.

Do lots of contact naps and skin to skin. Don't forget it's ok (important!) to take a breath to regulate yourself

Enjoy them staying where you put them!

Good luck. You're the trenches.

It absolutely gets easier, and the challenges come in ebbs and flows as they get older.

I found going from no children to one child the hardest transition of all.
You've gone from being able to make plans for yourself to not being able to do that at all and having this tiny person completely dependant on you - and that’s huge. I don’t think anyone is ever truly prepared for how full on it really is.
As babies get older and get less and less dependant on you for every single tiny thing, it gets easier.
Then it gets harder again when they become mobile.
Then easier again when they start to play independently, learn to dress themselves, eat by themselves etc.
Then harder again when they can form full sentences and a logical argument to protest against everything you say 🫠🤷🏻‍♀️😂

I guess what I’m saying is that what you’re feeling right now, is what most of us have felt at some point or another, and I promise you it will pass. ❤️

Hello again 😊
I was thinking earlier about this thread I wrote and wanted to come back to update, as I know how much this would have helped me at the time.
My baby is now nearly 5 months and he is an absolute joy. The love I have for him is indescribable. Things improved so much since writing my original post. I no longer feel any regret. When things feel a bit difficult, I try to remember he'll never be this little again. It breaks my heart, but makes me want to always give him all the love and cuddles I can.
Anyway, writing this was probably more for me than anyone else! As I doubt many of you will have remembered this thread. But thank you for your replies, they really helped at the time. ❤️

Aww that's a lovely update. I have to say, 5-7 months was THE BEST. It was peak maternity leave for me 😅 chunky, cute and smiley and slept better but not mobile yet.

We had a rough patch 9-11 months when he was almost walking but not quite and he was quite frustrated and hard to entertain. Also kept getting lots of bugs as I started taking him to soft play.

But now at 12 months he is a JOY. Happy and cute and just the absolute best again.

It's a rollercoaster.

Only just seeing this thread but read your update and wanted to say how happy I am for you that things are looking so much better!

Had I seen this the first time round I would’ve been one of the posters telling you not to worry and that it doesn’t make you a bad person to grieve something you don’t have anymore. In my experience, when my first son was born I grieved the old life I had and the spontaneity of doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I now have a seven week old second child and I’m currently grieving the time my toddler and I had when it was just us whilst I was on mat leave. Luckily this time because I’ve lived through it once already I know it will pass and this season of life will become my favourite, just like the previous ones did! Enjoy moving onwards and upwards with your lovely baby 🥰