How do I become more patient and tolerant so I can be a better mum?

[TokyoTantrum]

I snapped really badly at my 8 month old yesterday. He was pulling at the rubber seal around the wet-room door in our flat, and I couldn't move him at that exact moment because I was bundling up his dirty nappy. He tries to play with it every day, and each time I sternly say "no", move him, try to distract him with something he can play with, but yesterday I just lost it screaming "LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE!"

I feel like as soon as I'm tired or unwell, I fail to have enough grace, patience, or tolerance to be a good mum. On Monday I was diagnosed with a kidney infection after a weekend in pain, and was told by the doctor and pharmacist that it was fine to breastfeed while on that antibiotic. Well, it came through in my milk and gave baby a bad stomach upset. 8 nappies with various amounts of poo in 24 hours, when he usually poos once a day. Decided to switch to formula so he wouldn't keep getting the secondhand antibiotics, that's had its own problems, resulting in a very unhappy baby who just wants booby.

I don't want to be a shouty parent. It's pathetic to yell at a baby. He doesn't know any better, and can't have the capacity to understand "please don't do that". It's not his fault that we moved to the other side of the world and I lost my support network, and don't have the space to study the language, and that daddy now comes home at 20:20 instead of 18:45.

Is there anyone here who has overcome their feelings like this and managed to become a better parent?

I don’t have any answers but I feel the same way. You’re not alone.

I did listen to a very good podcast on maternal anger on happy mum happy baby. And the same woman interviewed has a very interesting looking course (online) but it’s expensive so I haven’t been able to invest while still on ML.

i feel like at 11 months I’ve already damaged my baby and don’t know how to change.

Everybody snaps! Please don't beat yourself up about it. As much as baby doesn't understand 'please don't do that' they also don't understand 'leave it the fuck alone'.

As long as you're not constantly shouting at them, there will be no harm done.

Try Janet Lansbury's podcast 'unruffled' - it has completely revolutionised my parenting. I still have the occasional shout though, because I'm human! Her books are good too.

I also had about 12 weeks counselling when my eldest was about 13 months, I was pregnant with my second and really overwhelmed and shouty. If that's accessible to you, then it did really help me. Just helped take the edge off my stress and gave me a space to vent to someone who wasn't involved in my life!

I think if you are really overwhelmed and also if you are quick to anger then therapy for yourself would be a really good starting point so that you can try to figure out why you feel that way and also come up with some coping strategies for yourself to avoid that.

Practical tips though, as someone with a 1 year old and baby number 2 on the way- baby proof & get a baby play pen. That way when you have those times where you can’t immediately grab him and need to do something he can be in a safe space with just his toys, can’t get to anything harmful or not for him anyway. Baby proof to block access to anything you aren’t happy with him playing with.

You know the answer to this: look after yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup and it sounds like things are tough. Hang in there and think about what changes you can make for you.

You become more patient and tolerant by somehow looking after yourself more. Then you will have the bandwidth and patience to be the mum you want to be.

You need hands on help. If you have a kidney infection, maybe your partner could take time off work to look after the baby so you can rest?

If you are in a foreign country and your partner works late, can you afford any help?

I would encourage you to try to make some mum contacts, can you find anyone who speaks English? Do you speak a bit of the language?

Counselling maybe good also

That's the other reason I hated myself so much afterwards. It's not only pathetic, it's pointless.
Thank you (and other posters) for the podcast recommendations, I will hunt them down.

Clearly you already are a wonderful mum, as this has upset you so much and you are trying to do better.
Everyone has had this moment, especially when you're unwell.
Take care of yourself as best as you can. Don't beat yourself up when you loose your cool. Deep breaths helped me.
Hope you feel better real soon xx

We have tried. He has a playpen (baby cage we call it), but ever since he got more mobile, he screams and screams and screams when put in it if I'm not in there with him. We just installed a stair gate to block off the kitchen so that he can still easily see me, but be safe when I'm cooking. It was stressing me out too much hearing him going mental in the playpen when I was trying to sort dinner.

With some things though, I just can't baby proof. The door seal is one- I was prepping him to get washed, which is why he was on the bathroom floor while I wrapped up his nappy.

Therapy is a good shout. I've had it before for anxiety and depression, but have been pretty okay for the past 5 years or so. It's quite difficult to get an English speaking counsellor in Japan, so I'll start by looking up some cognitive behavioural therapy worksheets.

I did make a good mum contact today actually! I go to a council run playgroup thing on Thursdays, and this week met a Japanese mum who works for an international company and feels she is losing her English ability while on maternity leave.

We moved here in May, so most of my time has been taken up with settling in. I have connected with a Discord server full of women in Japan, and I'm hoping that will evolve into some real world friends too.

I do speak some Japanese. Pre-pandemic I was here for a year of working holiday visa. Back then I didn't have a lot of money, and I was working evenings at a pub, so I used to spend the days at the library studying to take advantage of their air conditioning. I got to a sort of everyday fluency, where I could get by in most situations no problem, but I had to leave because of Covid messing up my visa processing, and then got quite despondent and let my ability fade. It's a huge regret for me. I made efforts to study from September last year, but hormones and sleep deprivation have made it more challenging.

I'm gonna ask my husband about trying to sort childcare one day a week so I can do things without baby, whether that's having time to exercise, or personal care, or just freedom to explore the city without worrying about pram access and carrying nappies.

I’ve snapped/shouted/sworn at my poor daughter a few times over the years.
I have always apologised and told her it is not okay and it is not her fault. I’ve then calmly explained why she shouldn’t have done x/y/z etc.
Parents are humans, and children learn the most from their parents, they need to know it’s okay to make a mistake as long as you take accountability, apologise, make efforts to change.
She’s 8 now, she thinks I’m a good Mummy, she’s so kind to other people, she’s so quick to apologise if she does something wrong.
It’s so hard when they’re little, you’re learning as they’re growing x

I feel like I always comment this on every single thread but why isn’t your partner stepping up? Especially when you’re ill? I may have misunderstood but presumably you’ve moved to another country to support HIS career so where’s his support for you?
(you are not a bad mum, you are overwhelmed, we have all been there and your self awareness to want to be better demonstrates that actually you are amazing)

We do eat out but it ends up not really being a break. The high chairs here are crap and don't have straps?? So one of us has to hold baby and both of us have to be on constant high alert moving things out of reach. It ends up being more stressful than just staying home.

Wet room door seal not really possible to block off. He can pick at it even with the door closed. It's a room within a room so I do my best to keep the outer bathroom door shut so he can't access the space at all outside of when I am actively washing him.

I go to baby group once a week cos he loves other babies and access to different toys.

Have tried keeping up video calls with my parents but they're both proper go-getters so it feels like there's always a conference or a scout camp or a trip to Devon or something

He's Japanese. He got transferred back to Tokyo from the London office, so unless he moved companies and found another one with visa support, he didn't have so much of a option to remain in the UK. I have never really had a career (chronic underachiever + indecision + bad luck), and didn't earn enough to sort spouse visa for him.

Support from him is: a credit card so I can buy whatever I need day to day, as I have no funds. Researching clinics and finding out where I needed to go and exactly what I needed to say/do to access care and medicine. Looking after baby on weekend mornings so that I can get a bit more rest. Changing nappies whenever he's home. Sorting out everything to do with baby's medical needs and bureaucracy. Laundry. Doing all the 6 different bins. Trying to organise days out to make me happy. Researching all furniture and appliances for the new flat. Trying to make my life easier with home gadgets (evil robot vac-mop, pointless tiny countertop dishwasher). Never being upset with me for being a grumpy cow.

He is trying. But he leaves the house at 6:30 and doesn't get back until 20:00 at least most nights. And then he's had stuff at the weekend like dentist which has made it harder. In Japan a single filling takes multiple sessions, it's ridiculous.

Sounds like you are both having quite a tough time and doing your best. Try to give yourself some grace. Your comment about being an underachiever makes me think you could definitely benefit from some therapy. If you come at parenting from a place of self doubt and low self esteem (I did too) it will be so much harder. I promise you things do get easier in practical terms as they get older. Hang on in there.

Sympathies OP; you feel dreadful and you have a baby with an upset tummy.

1. Nappies.
   
   I am not entirely sure why it is taking you an age to tidy one away, but why not buy a lidded bucket/small bin to take into the wetroom with you? Deal with the nappy once you have exited the wetroom. anything with a handle would do TBH

2. Wetroom strip
   How about making a game of the “tidying up/leave it alone” phase. Hand him a toy (be it a car or plastic animal that is easy to wash). Try singing a song/making animal noises (anything but silence).

3. Hopeless highchairs
   I’m not good at baby development stages these days, but we used to carry a cloth highchair that went over the back of a chair back. There weren’t many that it couldn’t fit (google “Totseat” on a UK search engine).

4. Loneliness
   Even if you can’t meet people in person, could you set up (somewhat chaotic) virtual mumchats.

That said, one of the best bits of baby advice I had was to go out for a walk with DC if your temper is fraying; you are far less likely to shout at DC in public (and a change of scene will do you both good).

little ones are really hard work. Honestly I leaned to grey rock my child a bit. It gave me the psychological distance I needed to not completely lose my shit. I’m not saying emotionally disconnect completely but learn when to shut down your own excessive response and then you are able to display warmth when things are fine. I still do it now when DD has a tantrum at 6, it stops me from feeding the drama by getting angry at her behaviour and gives us both the soace to calm down.

I have 3 and my gosh I would love to be a gentle parent style I even say to them why do you love mommy shouting I love them to the moon and back and do anything for them but say if I am poorly and they are stressing me out winding each other up doing things I've told them not to do mithering me constantly for things I do lose my shit and shout like a maniac but I have just signed up for therapy to be able to find strategies to cope and manage that part of me because I always think I do not want my kids to grow up and think of me as a shouty horrible cow. But sadly kids are humans and they do come with a lot of stress.

These suggestions are helpful. Thank you so much 💗

"Grey rock" response might be one I can implement well. It's not too difficult for me to sort of disassociate (god that sounds awful). This morning for example he was crying and crying and crying and nothing could soothe him, probably from a mixture of nappy rash and tummy ache, so I just held him and let my mind wander, thinking about how this was just that moment and not forever. Side note; I am very happy I brought a huge tub of sudocream with us.

My mum is sending me a care package soon as she can't resist some nice clothes. I've asked for her to include nappy bags as the ones here don't have handles are aren't scented, so they're fiddly to close and don't cover the smell. It's always the weirdest little things you miss when you change country!

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're struggling, looking after a young baby outside your home country sounds really tough. My DH is Japanese but we live in the UK. Do you have in-laws or other family close by that could help with childcare at all? 8 months is a very tricky age because of the suddenly becoming mobile. My DD also experienced some sleep issues/separation anxiety around that age. Just anecdotally, but things did get easier for us around 11/12 months once DD could better communicate her needs. Give yourself some grace - parenting is HARD. I know Japanese work culture involves long hours but is there any way your husband could adjust his schedule or WFH at all to give you more hands on support?

There’s not a single parent who hasn’t felt the way you did. Plenty of good advice in here, fwiw, I used to go to a separate room out of sight and shout silently. Felt better after that.

My in-laws are in Yokohama, which doesn't seem too far away but with the trains takes about 1hr45 from us. We've all met up a few times since moving, which has been nice, but it's also very chaotic because there's 4 kids total between us, ages 8 months, 1.5 years, 4, and 9! So it's not easy to wrangle help in either direction.

Husband used to work 2 days a week from home, which really helped, but he changed roles/moved up and a lot of traditional Japanese companies are very hesitant to allow working from home.

Baby has never been a good sleeper. My mum says it's cosmic revenge because apparently I was terrible too. In our new place he has his own room and finally has blackout blinds and a monitor with white noise, but he still very rarely naps for longer than 40 minutes to an hour, and often will only have 1 nap a day.

Last night ended up having to bunk with him as he would only settle with me in the room 😴hey ho, that's just the way it goes sometimes. We are going to take it very easy today. He's still pooing a lot but other than the nappy rash and a bit more clinging to me, he's generally perky.