16 year old daughter claims her 14 year old friend is her girlfriend

[SharpCoralDreamer]

Hello

hoping for advice please

ww may have been a bit naive with regards to our daughter. She has been friendly with a girl from a town a short drive away, we don’t really have a relationship with this girls parents save for text messages between mums

our daughter has turned 16 recently and has now left school and hoping to get into college in September

we never really new for sure how old the friend was but two things happened within the last week or two, the first was our daughter tells her mum that her friend is actually her girlfriend and in the same week we found out her friend/girlfriend had just had her 14th birthday
this makes her year 9 and also the same age as our son incidentally

we are worried about the age gap but also we have had trouble over the years with our daughter and her anger so now we want to make sure we approach this issue in the best way to minimise stress and situations developing

we would prefer our daughter to be concentrating on college and finding PT work etc but don’t want to control her life either, but also very aware that any sexual activity would be illegal (we haven’t broached this yet) and that two almost full years is a long time in a a young persons life so think it’s probably inappropriate in any case for this relationship to continue

has anyone got any advise on the best way to approach this situation ?

thank you

Back in the dark ages when I was a teenager, two year age gaps were absolutely de rigeur (provided the elderly was a boy). I know teens are more disapproving of age gaps but, but I still don't think this is terribly inappropriate.

More to the point, do you see any hope in hell of your dd seeing your point of view and agreeing to stop seeing this girl? Because it might well have the opposite effect.

I would talk to her about the dynamics of having a younger girlfriend, including legal issues around sex. But don't try to ban it.

I disagree a relationship where the elder by 2 years has anger issues has the potential to be a controlling and abusive one and one you cannot simply just let be

I think a 2 year age gap is fine, if 15 and 17 or 16 and 18. I would not be comfortable with my 13 year old, just turned 14 having a 16 year old bf/gf. It’s the fact that the girlfriend is so young and I’d be worried about her opening herself up to problems if the parents are unhappy about a same sex relationship and try to cause issues for your dd from a legal standpoint. I’d be having an honest conversation with her about the implications of that and helping her think though it all.

I think this is excellent advice. A two-year age gap was quite common when I was younger. While I might not be open-minded enough to accept this situation if it involved my 16-year-old daughter, I realise that opposing it would likely be a mistake. Therefore, I would remain calm and, as Ketzele suggested, educate her about the relevant laws and the concept of age maturity.

No chance. Have you contacted the girls parents so they aware?

Thanks for all replys

we have not at this stage asked anything of the girlfriends parents
we want to be sure how we think we are to approach the whole situation first

the anger issues have only ever occurred towards our daughters parents not out of the family home

will start by having an open and frank discussion first and maybe judge how to proceed based on that

thanks

I think you definitely been to tell the girls parents, or at least stop them seeing each other. I would want to know if my just turned 14 year old was dating a 16 year old and if anything sexual does happen between them and it comes out that you knew it’s not going to look good to them.

A 14 year old is a child. She just shouldn’t be ‘dating’ anyone, let alone someone two years older who has left school. I bet her parents would be horrified if they knew.

I don't see any reason to interfere. I don't think a two year age gap is something to get particularly worked up about, and trying to stop them is just likely to drive your daughter away from you, or encourage them to continue in secret.