Toddler trouble! Limiting contact?

[Unsure4589]

Would you limit contact with a good friend's child if you thought they brought the worst out in your toddler?

I know how I sound and I don't want to be that mum. I genuinely don't think my child is perfect and all others at fault. But this time... It's partly to do with the other child having possible SEN and being undersocialised with kids their own age (3), and our DD being stubborn and not one to back down once the other child has kicked things off. But there's also a mismatch in parenting styles that causes stress (i.e. we're firmer with boundaries, but they're a lot more gentle and seem overwhelmed by their child's behaviour at times).

It's a pain because I really get on with the mum, but it's a nightmare hanging out with them. Not totally sure whether it's a thing the kids need to work out between themselves or we should intervene. I'm leaning toward the latter because our DD's behaviour is markedly worse when she's with this child (and for a short while after), and she also seems confused by her a lot of the time, as well as confused by us telling her off when the other child's behaviour either isn't tackled at all, or isn't handled assertively. Basically, while DD gets really excited to see this child, it doesn't actually seem fair to her in reality.

WWYD?

If it was me I would continue to meet up for play dates as long as my DD continued to enjoy them. You get on well with the other mum, and presumably the children get on for the most part if your DD is excited to see the other girl.

If the other child does have SEN needs then the firmer boundaries you have in place may not work for them, you often have to adapt and be more gentle if that’s what the child needs. As long as it’s not resulting in your DD being hurt then just leave them to parent their own way.

I also think it will be good at helping your DD learn to adapt to children with differing needs and SEN, and in the long term will probably serve her well. My youngest DD is 3 and has two older brothers. One is diagnosed ADHD and one likely mild autism. I can see her adapt her approach and play style for them both and it turns out she is really popular at nursery, I think in part because she can adapt to different children so well.

Thanks for the perspective. It's tricky because the other child can be violent. Pushed DD off something high recently on purpose, which hurt DD and scared me. Our DD is pretty hardy though! 😂I have to admit I also get wildly overstimulated dealing with them both. On top of a young baby, it's a lot.

It's strange because DD just doesn't behave as badly around other kids her age. She's at nursery and has loads of friends who include ND kids. They have all the usual toddler bust ups, but this is different. We suspect she may be ND too, but ADHD is our guess (Dad has it). We may still do playdates but maybe with some other kids in the mix to dilute the effects somewhat.

Could you limit the meet ups to more structured stuff? Like suggest signing up to the same activity class once a week then do a cafe trip afterwards? But failing that then yes I’d limit meet ups just because it doesn’t sound very enjoyable for you, in fact they sound really stressful.

I wouldn't be hanging out with a child who has hurt mine, especially if there were issues that might that the other child couldn't understand why it was wrong and made it likely to happen again.

Yes sadly this is quite normal in my experience. Friends fall by the wayside because of different parenting styles/attitudes once the children come but new friends generally appear with a similar outlook to your own and your and their children play nicely together. We all have our off days, but life is really too short to have to constantly intervene in kiddie squabbles/trashing your house whilst the other mum sits there and does nothing to resolve the problem.

Sometimes it's just a personality clash between the kids themselves. DS (3yo) mostly gets on fine with other kids, at home and at nursery. He has one particular friend who he is always asking to see and loves the idea of playing with - but whenever they see each other there is a more than 50% chance they will both just wind each other up and get progressively more and more upset and annoyed. This happens at nursery too.

We don't specifically limit playdates, but we do encourage him to play with other children and arrange playdates with other kids too, so that he's not overly invested in one relationship that is needlessly tricky.

I’m not a mum yet, but I’d steer clear. Children are sponges and I’d want to be around similar people and kids I think with similar values. It’s a shame if the child has additional needs but I’d not want my child acting the same way.

I'd limit it, but not stop completely. Try and choose whatever location is the easiest to manage them in...maybe at home might be best?

I'd also invite the mum out for a child-free drink/lunch/dinner/coffee.

I think having kids changes some friendships as it becomes hard to maintain some friendships because of the things you mention (different parenting styles or kids bringing out the worst in yours or showing horrible behaviour- which does not get addressed properly). I would stop meeting up with the kids with this friend. Switch to an evening meetup without kids (go to the cinema and catch a drink afterwards or something). I have let numerous friendships fizzle out because I got stressed out by their kid’s behaviour and especially their different parenting style which in my eyes just accepted the behaviour. On the other hand, other friendships strengthened, (which might first just have been acquintances) because the kids got on really nicely.
I would never continue meeting up with friends whose kid hurt my kid on purpose and it wasn’t tackled properly. What ok d of message are you giving your kid by continuing to put them in a situation with a bully type kid?

@Ivy888I'm so stuck in motherland right now that I hadn't even considered asking the mum out just grown ups. She's really busy and I'm still EBF, but I'll definitely do that!

It's sad. My DD can be so affectionate and kind towards this other child and they just reject her, and then wind her up. The more I think about it, the few moments they are very sweet together aren't worth the hassle that typically comes before and after. I don't think of the other child as a bully though at all. They're only 3, and seem just totally dysregulated a lot of the time.

I don't want to judge though. We parent the way we do mostly because our DD is like a Tasmanian devil and she 100% needs it. If she didn't hear us when we speak or understand that our word on something is ultimately final, I am convinced she'd do herself real damage. This other child is definitely more cautious. There isn't the same need to prevent them from hurting themselves, so I can see how a much gentler approach could work. I'm just not sure it is working right now.

Just to offer a different perspective, I kept a friendship like this going from 2.5 to now 4.5 and it’s actually paid dividends.

Suspected ND on both sides at the time, although I can see why they don’t diagnose ADHD under 5 as DS has hugely matured and now it isn’t on nursery’s radar.

We found a class that worked and that helped as it was structured. If we did the park/soft play, we stayed very hands on. Now both kids get on really well & the mum is a very good friend, who is extra grateful that we didn’t step away when she was struggling and overwhelmed, like some of her friends did.

Perhaps trial a class/activity and catch up away from the kids might help.

If you like the Mum please try to stay involved some way - I’m a Mum to a lovely AuDHD 10yr old who was a tricky toddler boy & it’s heartbreakingly lonely.

It depends how important the friendship is to you I suppose. My closest friend from childhood had a very different parenting style to me and often seemed overwhelmed by her kids demands whereas I had 5 kids and was pretty strict. When the kids were small, we kept meet ups quite short - a couple of hours max and if the kids were fighting, it was time to go home! I did on a few occasions tell her children off when they were in my home - for example telling her 9 year old 'You don't speak to your mother like that in my house!'

The kids are all grown up and hers are all lovely young women now. We've been friends for 40+ years and I'm so glad that I didn't let parenting differences come between us, even though there were definitely times when I was glad to see the back of them when they went home!

Yes and I have done many times. If I like the parents then I find outdoor play dates go better, or I see the parents on our own without kids.

Most children seem to get along better when they’re not in their or someone else’s house. Play dates outdoors all the way.