Starting secondary school question

[PawsPaws]

Silly question, If you have a child going to secondary school and they don’t have any friends there apart from one is it possible to ask that they are in the same class or how does that work? my son is extremely shy and has selective mute and awaiting assessment for autism so it isn’t as easy as “he’ll make friends once he is there” / “find his tribe” he has only one friend in primary school and that’s taken till year 6 to make said friend thanks

Were they paired up a lot in year 6?

I would speak to the school about your concerns and the support he may need in place. Realistically, it may not be better for the other child to be paired up with him, and they have the needs of both children to meet.

But, how secondary school works is they usually have a tutor group (and it would probably be helpful to have a familiar face there). And then they go to different lessons with different groups, so won’t be possible for him to always have someone he is close to in every lesson.

I’d maybe focus on finding him support within his tutor group as a first portion of call. That said, in dd’s primary school cohort, even the kids who struggled the most all have found their tribe in secondary, so I would try not to panic about a problem where there is none yet.

I suppose it would be inappropriate to tell you what another parent asked for, but I can see it leaves you not knowing where it was a request from them or if the school did it randomly. I'd be curious too, but I can see why they wouldn't say.

They may have asked and the other parent may have said no they weren’t bothered

My older son is at the school and he is also autistic and hasnt made a single friend so won’t count on it, I wish I had done more back then for when he had started that’s why I’m trying this time around

Also everyone told me he would “find his tribe” but that never happened

No they’ve only been friends towards the end of the year

I’m sure they wouldn’t outright say but they would make a reason why it’s not possible which is fine I’m not demanding anything if they can’t that’s ok.

I'd reach out to school, ask not just for this but also ensure the sen team/senco has all the details of any needs your son has, that they have a plan in place for him, that any teachers will be aware of his needs etc. Ideally if you can meet with them before he starts and discuss all this, I imagine it will help with the transition (although with large schools I don't know how easy it is to arrange). I think ensuring he is with his 1 friend, given his needs, is a very reasonable adjustment if it's practical (e.g. it might not be for every class given they might stream or mix them up for some reason,but they could prioritise it for him where practical).

Be aware that senior school may decide they know better and completely ignore Primary teachers and parents, as DS 1's Secondary teachers did. It didn't end happily.

Speak to the senco or the head of year of the secondary. You can ask theybare in the same class, the teacher will likely say they will have a look but can't guarantee. They will ruen either make a change if need be or not - you won't know why - which is fine.

But do please talk to the senco ahead of Sept about your child. It is so much easier if they are known about than not with SEND of any sort - as it means things can be put into place for them ahead of the start date rather than playing catch up once it becomes obvious or the kid winds up in trouble.

I would be unhappy with a non selective secondary school that didn't stream some classes according to ability.

The 'best' comp near us apparently only set for maths in y7.
Agree I would expect some setting, but maths is possibly more key to set than English, at least initially.
Dd's year was 9 form entry and they split into equal thirds and did some setting within that.

My point though is no school will definitely set in any particular subject. Dd's didn't set for pe until y10.

When mine started they came from a tiny school who feed into about 4 local secondaries, so there were only 3-5 of them going there from their year group and the with my first child they kept them all together, with my second I suspect some mums had had a quiet chat (one mum doesn't want her child being friends with "the special needs child" - who happens to be DD2 and who is the sweetest kiddo) so they put 3 of them in one form and 2 of them in another. I'm relieved to be able to avoid this mum trying to block DD2's attempts at friendship (cos DD is just the type to want to be everyone's friend) and it's worked well.

However both of mine have had some friendship/social support groups when they started to help them make friends as they're both autistic and struggled with that aspect - but we'd intentionally picked the slightly less academically stellar school for that aspect of school choices.

the child in question also has sen

He went today and they were not in the same class as predicted, he was very disappointed. I contacted the school yesterday but no one has got back to me so I’m going to speak to his primary senco see if she can help as there is a lot of communication between both schools as they are next to each other hopefully see if she can do anything!

You are assuming the other child wasn’t happy either? Did they say anything?

I would leave it, what happens if they get put in the same class together and then the other child goes off and makes a new set of friends.

I would say you can still see X at lunch and after school and you might be in classes together in the future.

thanks all but i will still mention it and yes the other boy was also unhappy about it as he told my son he wasn’t happy they weren’t in the same class.

I know of a parent who asked this and the child's class was swapped. I would say you might as well ask. If they have put your child in a particular place for a reason, or swapping your child would unbalance the numbers to much, they say they can't and you accept that. Nothing is lost.

Thank you, I’m glad that worked for them and nice to hear a positive against a lot of negativity on this post and happy to say I just had an email and they said they are having contact with the primary schools and awaiting sats results so there will likely be some changes to tutor groups anyway so I think now would be a good chance to raise it with his primary school and see what they can do since the classes aren’t finalised. 🙂

If the other kid feels the same is it worth you and his parent presenting a united front?

I don’t know his parents children leave alone now it’s year 6 however it’s not set in stone by the sounds of it so I’m sure there will be some movement.

I really feel for your son - it’s nice to have a familiar face in class. Surprised your older son hasn’t had more support to ensure he has been able to at least make a few friends. It sounds incredibly lonely for him.

Hope it all gets sorted out.

Fyi my NT dd started school with two primary friends in her class and within a year they were not really hanging out together and had moved onto new friends. But I do also know someone whose dd didn’t make any friends in school until y10 so it really can take ages

Some friends outside school can help a bit , at least to reduce the sense of isolation

Fair enough, I hope it all works out.