Feel like I failed DS1 by having DS2 - now prefers his dad

[Florafawn]

I have a 2 year old DS1 and a 4 week old DS2. Generally DS1 has been great about having DS2 around and he seems to like the baby as he shows affection towards him by stroking him etc. However, DS1 seems unhealthily attached to his dad now. This morning he had an inconsolable meltdown when his dad went upstairs to take a shower and get ready for work. I thought he would puke his heart out he cried so much. He was running away from me, flailing his body on the floor and hitting me. Nothing I said could calm him down and at that point I broke into tears. I felt helpless because I can no longer comfort him. Meanwhile baby was crying for my boob. His dad is easy to like because he gets away with so many things with him - DH is just generally more lax with food, screentime and stickers… Also, as a result of me looking after the baby, DS1 is naturally spending more time with his dad and spending more time in front of a screen. I don’t want to blame his dad for screentime though. We are all still adjusting and re-adjusting now that DH is gone back to work after pat leave.

Is this behaviour normal? Is there a better approach I can take when he has such meltdowns for his dad? Sometimes he cries just because his dad goes
to the loo… it also puts pressure on DH when DS1 does this.

I feel with having a newborn, we have spiralled into a chaotic abyss and I am riddled with mum guilt for ruining our previous life 😔

I totally get where you are coming from. I felt emotionally like I was grieving my lost relationship with my then 2yo DC1 when DC2 arrived because they didn't want Mummy any more, just Daddy. Daddy was the one giving DC1 lots of attention while Mummy was busy so it's understandable from their POV. Try and make time for DC1 as much as possible.

With the meltdowns, validate feelings, name them and redirect the energy into something positive. Move yourself to a safe distance and let him flail if he needs to so long as it's safe. Be available for cuddles and comfort on his terms when he is ready. I used to direct mine to the sofa or our totter and tumble play mat if they wanted to flail and kick safely. Lots of "I know it's hard when Daddy isn't here, you are sad because you miss Daddy, I miss him too. Would you like a cuddle? Feet are for walking/jumping not kicking. I'm here when you need me. Let's make Daddy a picture/card/painting/Duplo Daddy etc..." and that sort of thing.

Then as much as possible put baby down somewhere safe and reconnect with DC1 any opportunity, whenever baby is calm. Tickle and cuddle and roughhouse DC1 while baby is napping/safe on the playmat/in a bouncy chair to the side. Snuggle and read. Play cars or puzzles or small world dinosaurs. You need to rebuild a new relationship with your DC1.

It does get better I promise. And it will pass sooner than you realise. Mine are 4 and 2 now.

Please don't worry about this, it's been four weeks, and it's not unhealthy for your older DS to be attached to his dad. Meltdowns are a feature of being 2, and having a new baby brother is a big change for him, but it's absolutely not the case that 'you can no longer comfort him' - this is temporary and in the longer term you will emerge as a family with hopefully a much more equal relationship between DS1 and both parents.

When we had DS2, my partner was busy with the baby more and I did all of DS1's bedtimes and morning routine and he did become more attached to me for quite a while, but it was actually lovely to have that closeness rather than a preference for his other mum because she'd breastfed him. Now we are all much more equal and the boys are equally happy with either parent.

What @VintedoreBay said, completely normal even if you haven't had another baby, children change their mind over who is their favourite parent morning to night. Validate his feelings, give his emotions words, confirm he can be angry but we don't throw/hit/pull whatever it is he is doing.

His whole world has just been turned upside down and now he has to compete for attention whereas before, not a problem. I had Ds2 when Ds1 just turned 3 and I was a sahm so he had me all the time to himself.

More screen time is normal as a parenting device when you have 2 children to juggle and I think now is the time to relax a little on stickers or whatever as it has only been 4 weeks. You need to cut him, your Dh and yourself some slack. Everyone is learning a new way of living in the house. It is also normal for it to feel like chaos for a while too.

You haven't ruined anything and I am sure that your first born will also want Mummy time soon enough especially as Daddy has gone back to work. If you can try to carve out time for Ds1, hand off Ds2 to his Dad because he can do everything you can except breastfeed. You are doing great.

My two boys are adults now, thick as thieves, best of friends so Ds2 coming along didn't ruin Ds1's life for long.

Ok as a parent of a 13 and 15 year old I am going to be completely honest- you have not let anyone down.

you are hormonal and tired and parenting a toddler- what you are feeling is completely normal. You will be fine x

you have given your children the gift of a sibling- they will never be alone.

your body and brain will be in pieces due to lack of sleep and hormones - being a mum is all about the guilt but i promise you you are doing an amazing job

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support. I keep thinking about how things should be. I keep telling myself ‘Ds1 shouldn’t have so much screen time, I should be there for DS1 more, DS1 shouldn’t be so attached to his dad…’ and I think I need to take a step back and just let things be. It’s all temporary I suppose. We won’t be here forever. Just not easy when I am sleep deprived and hormonal. It all blows up with DH at end, as i tell myself he should do this and not that with DS1 etc..

It's just the baby and the paternity leave disrupting things. He'll be feeling unsettled. Be confident in yourself and you relationship with him. You will be his prime parent until he's seven when he'll start to need to look to his dad more and it'll become more equal.

It's 4 weeks in, don't worry. You have a long road ahead with sibling and parent relationships.

As far as possible, make sure your DH is spending time cuddling and settling DC2 so that you and DC1 can spend time together. Any time DC2 is napping doing things together that DC1 enjoys doing and can do as a "big sibling". Encouraging DC1 to do small things to help with DC2 like fetching a nappy or muslin cloth. Snuggling on the sofa together to watch DC1's fave TV shows (good one for doing while feeding DC2) and chatting about them.

Try not to get into an entrenched position of DH taking DC1 out for fun stuff while you attend to DC2. DH needs to split his time between the DC as much as you do.