What do I do about my partners baby’s father

[ThisHazelTraybake]

So let me set the tone for whomever is reading.

Im 31 my partner is 24. She has a now 5 year old daughter. She co parents with the father but there’s some concerns and I need to know if they are valid or AITA.

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years. In those 2.5 years we have been 90% of the time co parenting with the baby’s father’s mother aka the 5 year olds grandmother.
When I say co parenting this is what I mean. We meet up with grandmother 2 times a week we split the 2.5 hour drive to trade off the child. The child stays with grandmother the entirety of their time. Dad will pop in at his mom’s when he wants and leaves when he wants.The 5 year old tells her mom that her dad doesn’t spend time with her or do things with her so he can’t deny that being true. The baby’s father does not have a vehicle, stable job, or a home of his own.
So grandmother is raising the child. She’s the one that houses, feeds/cooks for her all day ,teaches her ,plays with her, does activities, bathes her, reads her books before bed, & they even sleep together. Rinse and repeat for the last 2.5 years.

The child is disrespectful, calls adults parents , grandparents by their first names, always in adult conversations or talking over adults. She’s 5 but she tells lies already like if she doesn’t like what we cooked for the evening she will say the food is spicy. If she doesn’t like a song we play on the car stereo when we are all together she says the music is too loud.She tells adults what she’s gonna do instead of asking. If her mom is talking she talks louder until mom gives her full
attention.

Back to the baby’s father. It’s now summertime so kids are not in school. He argued and cussed my partner out for a specific schedule to trade off the child still with grandma and now he can’t stick to schedule but is living with a girlfriend
he has but can’t get his own place or vehicle so his daughter can have a home with him instead of his mother.

he gets to fuck off while his mom and his baby’s mother and me take 100% of the responsibility

is this some bulls* or what???

You can’t do anything and I don’t really see why you feel you need to.

The co-parenting relationship is with the grandmother and that seems to be working well.

The child’s behaviour doesn’t seem to be particularly outrageous. Children can be irritating even when they’re your own and you love them. “Disrespectful” is a heavy word to use about a 5 year old.

Not your child, not your responsibility. Her mum, grandparents and dad need to deal with this. Only stop her if she is rude to you.

It’s up to your partner as they’re the ones with PR. If she happy with the current arrangement then you support her. If she’s not she has choices on how to proceed and might benefit from some legal advice. However you can’t force a reluctant father to parent

It is not for you to “do” anything about it. Being a step-parent is frustrating at times because a big part of the role is knowing when to mind your business, even though you have a lot of involvement.

You can’t do anything about your partner’s baby’s Father.

'So grandmother is raising the child.'

No she is not - ' grandmother 2 times a week '

2 days out of seven days is not raising the child.

' we split the 2.5 hour drive to trade off the child.'

to trade off the child - who on earth uses language like that about a 5 year old ?!!!

'The baby’s father does not have a vehicle, stable job, or a home of his own.'

None of your business.

Does the child's father pay maintenance ? as clearly he does not have her 50/50.

'The child is disrespectful, calls adults parents , grandparents by their first names, always in adult conversations or talking over adults. She’s 5 but she tells lies already like if she doesn’t like what we cooked for the evening she will say the food is spicy. If she doesn’t like a song we play on the car stereo when we are all together she says the music is too loud.She tells adults what she’s gonna do instead of asking. If her mom is talking she talks louder until mom gives her full attention.'

YOU do not like, nor indeed love the child.

' is living with a girlfriend
he has but can’t get his own place or vehicle so his daughter can have a home with him instead of his mother.'

again - none of your business.

' his mom and his baby’s mother and me take 100% of the responsibility '

why is this causing you a problem - how much childcare / parenting do you actually do ?

are you providing a home for the mother and child ?

or did you move into their home ?

The baby father is awful you're right about that

However im not sure why you're criticizing the child so much that sounds quite normal

Mother and child live with me yes I provide 90% income and take care of 90% of the house care

And I never said anything was my business it’s all about how that affects the child. She cries every night missing her dad because of the amount of time not spent. & the mom does not like the arrangement

Some of yall didn’t read the entire thing seriously

'it’s all about how that affects the child. She cries every night missing her dad because of the amount of time not spent. & the mom does not like the arrangement'

and none of that is in the opening post...

Sounds like you have a huge pile of resentment towards the poor child and her father. Perhaps this is not the relationship for you

Your partner is relying on you to put a roof over her child's head? (As evidenced by you providing 90% of the income and it being your house) Does that not strike you as incredibly irresponsible on her part? What would be her plan if you split up?

Why doesn’t your partner want to live with her child and be her Mum?

The behaviour you describe is typical. Food she doesn’t like being called spicy is not a lie, it’s just her way of describing it. You need to be more in tune with her. She’s had a very rough start to life with neither parent interested in raising her. 😢

You sound very angry, OP, and your examples of the 5 year old’s behaviour show you have unrealistic expectations. She is not being rude or disrespectful, she is a 5 year old testing things out and pushing boundaries. On top of that, she has two families who probably have two different sets of rules/expectations. I think you need to find some kindness and understanding towards this little person. And role model the behaviour you want to see: that is the only thing you can control in this situation.

This. The only behaviour you can control here is your own. Your resentment of the child’s father seems to have spilled over onto the child, who is five, not responsible for any of this, and is obviously trying to figure out what the ‘rules’ are in two different households. You cannot dictate residence arrangements or your partner’s financial dealings with her ex, however frustrating you find them.

Like a pp, I’d suggest this is not the relationship for you.

You describe him as not having his own home and that he lives with his gf. Isn’t that the same situation your gf is in?

Also you say it’s summertime now so kids are not in school? It’s weeks until the summer holidays so why is she not in school?

What is the question? The behaviour you’re describing (saying food is spicy, music too loud) is normal 5yo behaviour. I’m not concerned here at all.

‘trade off the child’ - that phrase doesn’t sit well with me at all. You’re either with the mum and DC as a family unit and speak of her as a family member, or it comes across as you’re not gelled with DC / see her as an inconvenience.

How the dad decides to parent the child in his own mandated time is down to him - if he wishes to put that time on the grandmother he is within his right to do so. It is sad that the child feels dad doesn’t spend time with her, but that is something she will figure out later on in life, that perhaps her dad didn’t show up as much as he should have.

So here is where you and her mum come in. Make her life as stable and loving as you can in your time with her, and ensure she feels this.