It’s too much!

[Itpim]

looking for advice..
I am married SAHM with 4 children 9/7/6/2 my DH works ALOT he has a few independent companies and of course I am so greatful I have been able to stay at home for the last 9/10 years to bring up our children, before I had a good job well paid was always very self sufficient when I came to my own finances. I have found it a lot to solely rely on my husband for money and not earning my own. I help with the administration side of his work most evenings and throughout the day on call on top or raising and supporting the children’s needs, running the house and all of the school runs, admin, clubs being on call to his very disabled father entirely on my own. We have no family at all - I feel like I am drowning forever and all that matters is my DH work - all of this I find very very hard everyday but ontop my DH belittles me with at least you get to be at home If I was at home I’d be doing a much better job this would be better organised that wouldn’t be a mess etc etc. I wouldn’t mind but there isn’t a minute of the day where I’m not answering someone’s needs … and I am drained to the point my soul is empty

Of course it's a lot, you're working for free for his company, raising a bunch of kids and also looking after his bloody father. Tally up how much all of that would cost if you outsourced it (as well the cleaning at home etc.) and tell him that this is what you're bringing in. He is not the sole earner here, and he's rude and unappreciative. Personally I'd be looking at leaving, but I understand that's easier said than done so ask him how he plans to cover all the work you do and go back to work for yourself.

I did exactly that , i shouldn’t have to prove my worth. His argument is that he can earn in a day what would take me 3 days to earn so it’s a waste of time, having the children was something we decided together the last two a 99.9% contraception I was on failed and he refused a vasectomy- I got myself sterilised before we turned into the Walton’s I just find it’s impossible to give my children the attention they deserve - I make things harder for myself as I am anti screens / games consoles I adore my children and am very proud of what amazing little people they are - but I’m so stretched nothing I do seems enough nor good enough, I am forever on catch up - I don’t know how to make him see that I need more than a husband that works because i see it completely pointless if his family are unhappy and i am so snappy and angry. I have literally laid it out as simple as that - I really need your help and he just says it’s me failing and that I’m just a horrible person because I’m so snappy. Obviously my body has changed dramatically since the children and he has always been very vocal and then surprised that I don’t want him to touch me - useless wife in that department.

He's a cruel husband. You are doing amazing 👏

You are doing a fantastic job with the children and it's outrageous that he is telling you how to do your job or that you do it more efficiently or tidily. You aren't telling him how to do his job differently - IE outsource the business administration or organise his disabled father's care.

I think you may have to leave the jibes to one side hurtful as they are and stick to the main issue that you don't have enough time to look after his father and do the business admin. Which is it to be ....it's that or the family finances stretch to some extra help with the housework or making food easier or a day at nursery etc.

However this is about relationships rather than parenting as such so you might want to move this to the relationships board.

Bringing up a family puts a severe strain on most relationships...4 children a major op (sterilisation) a disabled father, no wider support network. Is it surprising that you are not getting on? If you see it through the prism of you BOTH being under a lot of strain and how you both could be kind to each other leaving the blame out of it. I sense you are deeply deeply hurt by the blaming you for mess when he put you through the sterilisation etc - maybe you are in physical pain from that too. And now he throws it back in your face. Marriage has a lot of bitter moments.

Somewhere the man you chose might still be in there...see if things are better in the morning. Give him a hug. Often better than words.

Stand your ground that you are doing your job brilliantly, though

Of course you're exhausted, you're a SAHM to 4 kids. That's relentless. Time to outsource, get a cleaner for a start, and think about putting the 2yo into nursery for a couple of mornings a week so you get breather. Basically outsource anything you can to make your life easier. You also need some you time so you don't go crazy.