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Parenting

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Original poster

please help-what do i do about this back street bully?

29 replies

Divastrop · 24/05/2008 21:53

i just dont know what to do anymore.there are 2 girls who play out in the street who are just troublemakers.they(and everyone else they managed to rope in)were being really nasty to dd1(she's 9)a few weeks ago.i thought it was sorted out but one of them has started picking on her again,and today she kicked dd really hard in the back,then ran away.

dd has tried ignoring her,but she just follows her and pushes her etc.dd has tried standing upto her,but the girl just laughs and runs away.

last time it was happening dh went out and told the girl to leave dd alone.then the girls stepfather came round having a go at dh for 'threatening' the girl,saying their real dad is really hard etc and wouldnt be very pleased if he found out

dd has been in tears tonight saying its never going to stop and theres nothing she can do.i dont see why she shouldnt be able to play out.one of the reasons the family who lived in this house before me moved was because of these girls picking on their kids.

its not right.

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Original poster

Divastrop · 24/05/2008 22:02

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mummypig · 24/05/2008 22:14

oh dear divastrop I really don't have any helpful advice but wanted you to know someone had seen your message. My ds1 is currently being bullied at school and we haven't sorted it out yet so I really sympathise with you in your position.

Hoping someone will come along and offer some good advice soon.

Original poster

Divastrop · 24/05/2008 22:21

thank you.

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mummypig · 25/05/2008 11:03

bumping for Sunday morning people

turquoise · 25/05/2008 11:06

Can you get in touch with your community police officer? If you can't find the number for him, phone your local victim support helpline (will be in the phone book) and they will give it to you.

If the CPO does have a word with them, he will keep it confidential - and hopefully if they're as foul as they sound, there could be a few potential candidates for having got in touch.

Poor you and poor dd, I do feel for you - horrible situation.

edam · 25/05/2008 11:08

Oh, they sound like really nasty pieces of work. Second the advice to contact your CPOs. Or your council anti-social behaviour co-ordinator.

lostittoday · 25/05/2008 11:11

I really feel for your situation.
Part of the problem these days is that the parents are just as bad and odn,t teahc their children right from wrong.
They have no graces, morals, so their children can only be the same.
I would suggest that your DD try and not show it upsets her and maybe you two can divise some sort of strategy together on how to deal with it a plan of action.
Try and not get into something that will put you in a war with the parents as that will make things even more hellish for you.
Honestly though its society isn,t it dysfunctional families everywhere.

BagelBird · 25/05/2008 11:18

you poor thing! What are the mothers of these girls like? Do you have any relationship/possibilty of forming a friendship with them? long shot I know I am just thinking about their age - I presume a similar age and so in primary school? Are they in the same school, can you speak to the headteacher about it? If not in the same school and cannot talk to the parents, then I think you must keep a diary of events, days, what has been said etc. for your own good, and contact your local police station. If the previous owners had issues, perhaps they also logged complaints with them before moving.
Are there any other neighbours who have had similar problems you can talk to? Also, in the immediate term, I would think of simple practical ways for your DD to feel safe. Just in the short term, is there a different route, not round the back of the houses, that she can walk? are there any tactics like "safety in numbers" thing and get other friends to call on her and go out together or play in the back garden - just to give breathing safe and help her feel safe?
Just a few thoughts but mainly sympathy. Obviously you do not want it to escalate into a parent battle but you have to act on this and not sit and do nothing

Original poster

Divastrop · 25/05/2008 12:06

thank you everyone.

things are getting worse.the main girl 'borrowed' dd's pogo stick and wouldnt give it back this morning,so dd tried to get it off her and punched her in the face.now,dont get me wrong,i have always told my dc not to retaliate,just ignore etc,as when i was bullied at school on the rare occasion i retaliated i ended up in more trouble than the bullies.

however,this wasnt working,so dd has hit this girl back.now all 5-6 girls around the same age who live round here have been after dd.i went out and asked what was going on,and they said dd hit this girl for no reason,she started it all etc etc.i know this isnt true as i have seen on loads of occasions dd just playing on her own or with her friends from next door,and these girls going up pushing her,calling her names etc.dh has also seen it.

i told the girls to keep away from dd if they dont like her,and said to dd in front of them 'and you keep away from them,too'.

i have spoken to one of the girls mums in the past,and she was very nice about it.however,it wasnt the main girls mum,i think most of them are just following these 2 sisters who have lived round here all their lives and started it all in the first place.i dont know the mum,tbh she looks a bit scary.

the girls are in a different school to my dc.i will find out about getting in touch with the cso's.failing that im going to have to consider a transfer/exchange(we live in a HA property)as i cant cope with this much longer.

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Heated · 25/05/2008 12:30

Poor dd

It's hard to know what to suggest. When dh & me were at uni we befriended the feral kid who was giving my lovely neighbours a hard time. Once he knew us & played football with us all, he couldn't be nasty to them any more. Would it be possible to rather heartily manage the situation?

Original poster

Divastrop · 25/05/2008 16:47

i have spoke to the girls myself loads of times,just generally,they are usually ok to me.

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Sidge · 25/05/2008 17:04

Your poor DD

I think you've got 2 options. One is for your DD to try and befriend the 2 nasty sisters, maybe invite them round to tea. Girls at that age can be so fickle and she may find that they ease up on her once they have been round and played. However if they are really hideous it might turn out to be a disaster or they may not even come round.

BUT it sounds like that is unlikely to happen so I would go with the other plan, which is to involve the Community Police Officers. Many bullies are cowards and being confronted may put a scare into them. Also tell the PCO that you were threatened by the family previously and they can read them the riot act.

I hope it gets sorted for you.

Original poster

Divastrop · 25/05/2008 20:11

tbh all i want is for them to leave her alone,which they were doing untill this new family moved in a few weeks ago.its the way they are ganging up that is getting to me-if it was just the one girl i would leave her to sort it our herself,but this girl is getting the others on her side etc.

i dont understand girls.i never really did when i was a child either,i just used to stay out of the way of the popular girls hoping they would leave me alone.it seems that history is repeating itself

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terramum · 25/05/2008 20:40

How old are these girls?

TBH I would have no hesitation in calling the police. She has assaulted your DD by kicking her

waycat · 26/05/2008 06:26

I have had similar trouble with a gang of boys around here. There is one particular nasty boy who lives a few doors down, and unfortunately he is a magnet for three others who live elsewhere in the village. They call on him, and because we live in a cul-de-sac, they see it as their right to kick a ball around, run all over other peoples' gardens and generally be a total nuisance to everyone else here. Just one "bad" family can transform a whole neighbourhood, unfortunately.

Without going into long and sordid details of how these boys have made our lives hell for a couple of years (including many years of bullying my DS's), eventually enough was enough. Several of us get together, got in touch with our local PCSO, who passed the matter onto the police proper. Infact, two doors down for me there is a police officer, and it took him - plus threats to go to the local media - that seems to have finally done the trick. The parents of the bully who lives in our cul-de-sac must have had a visit or two from the police, because for a few months now things have been thank fully very quiet. My DS's still aren't keen to play out, but at least we don't get footballs kicked at our windows or snow pushed through out letter box any more.

I fully sympahtise with you, Divastrop. Please don't give up - keep on at the police, CSO, or anyone who is willing to listen and who can help. Going to the parents is - as in my case - obviously a total waste of time.

posieparker · 26/05/2008 06:53

I wouldn't let her out when those girls are there, maybe have children round to play and exclude the bullies, a few special teas. If this girl is at school then you could ensure the school are aware of the situation. How old is this girl?
I agree about involving the community police officers too, perhaps a fair play initiative in your neighbourhood or street may work?

tigermoth · 26/05/2008 07:19

I agree about involving the community police officers. Good idea.

However, it sounds like these girls could still dominate the playing out scene, even if they are better behaved. I say this because I am thinking about a family in our street (five girls and a boy) who are thankfully well behaved. The older girls are teenagers now but the two younger and the boy play out a lot. By the sheer force of their numbers they tend to gang up on others and tell tales a lot. My 8 year old has a love/hate relationship with them as it always seems to be three against one. When my older son used to play out with the older girls, he had exactly the same problem.

I think it's a good idea to limit the amount of time your dd plays out near these girls, (even if they improve their behaviour). I find with my ds that the worst things happen when ds spends lots of time with these children.

Original poster

Divastrop · 26/05/2008 11:24

tigermoth-i think you are right.one minute they are being nice to her then something happens and all the girls in the street have turned on her.i dont actually want her to be friends with these girls,i just want them to leave her alone and stop getting the others to gang up on her.

i have told her not to react if they do/say anything(apart from physically defending herself if necessary),but just to come in and write down what happened,and if it carries on we will talk to the pcso's.

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savoycabbage · 26/05/2008 11:36

Can you not focus on getting the not so bad ones on your side so they are less likely to be a part of it?

spongecake · 26/05/2008 21:46

diva, your poor dd, poor love not to be able to play outside and not get tormented. girls can be so horrible- i was bullied at school for refusing to ignore someone the bullies disliked, pushed down stairs, chased home etc- terrifying and only ended when the girl in question emigrated to australia- i met her again whilst backpacking
not very helpful for you i know, but at least they are not at her school.

can you go and see the nice mum again? or ensure your dd is only out with friends and they have a plan on what to do? is there a hobby she likes (judo/ netball?) she could take up and make new friends? if she is not about for a bit they might leave her alone?

hope it gets better- the girls sound bored and looking for trouble to me

Original poster

Divastrop · 26/05/2008 21:57

well,this evening the other sister(who hadnt been involved this time-i didnt realise)told the girl to make it up with dd,which she did.dd said that she has done that before-said she wants to be friends-then just carried on being nasty,but i said to her just say ok then and just be polite to her if she speaks to you as thats better than all the fighting.

however,the girls from next door but one have carried on being nasty,but the others seem to have stopped backing them up so hopefully it will die down again,if not i will speak to their mum again.

dd goes to brownies and a youth theatre group.she has close friends from school etc but they all live in other parts of town.

girls!!!at least when dd2 and dd3 are at this age they can say 'im getting my big sister onto you' to anyone who gives them any crap

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Rosylily · 26/05/2008 22:51

Diva, how horrible that must be! I think there will always be difficult people out in the big bad world so whatever you decide to do, the fact that you care and are not leaving your dd to struggle alone with her difficulties is the key thing.

Keep subtly reminding her of what is good about her life and how wonderfull she is...build her up.

Must admit, if I were you I would feel like moving too but hopefully there will be a resolution before you need to do that.

Rosylily · 26/05/2008 23:02

When I was bullied at school it finally stopped after 2/3 years when I just didn't care two hoots anymore and my bully must have sensed that she had become powerless over me so she left me alone.
It's just a pity these girls are on your doorstep and can't be avoided easily....

Original poster

Divastrop · 02/06/2008 12:15

well,its still going on.this half term has gone on forever and the only way out i can see is moving.

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Flashman · 02/06/2008 15:57

I know you should not but when my sister was getting bullied years ago and not being able to do anything to the girls doing it myself - I showed my sister how to punch and really win a fight. Next time the girl gave her a hard time she ended up with a good kicking in front of all her little friends - no one ever tried to bully her again. Sadly that is the only think a bully understands.

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