First off, this is VERY LONG so I DEEPLY APPRECIATE anyone who reads this. I needed to explain some stuff first. I found this site and saw others post issues like mine and I have been crying typing this whole thing up. I've redone this 3 times because I trail off.
Okay here goes!
I am a stay at home mom with a 19 month old, I have bipolar, I'm 4 years sober and I'm 8 weeks pregnant. I moved away from AZ during COVID with my family and into my grandparents. I stayed with them until my grandma passed since I helped take care of her while I was 6 months pregnant. my family had moved a couple hours away and I had planned to move after she passed. I finally moved in with my bf to a new apartment .and that was that. It was great before the baby obviously. Then Things began rough with our son coming at 31 weeks, then having to stop working 2 months earlier... me having the baby alone because I had to go to a different hospital with a NICU 3 hours away...and then it got a little more complicated each month with his development ...but I got help when I realized I would be handling everything alone and that I needed therapists to help the babe Excel.
When I say I do everything for this kid, I mean everything to the point now if I had to be hospitalized, he wouldn't have a clue how to feed him because our kid won't let him. He doesn't help with baths like he said he'd start doing, doesn't even clean the baby dishes if he ends up doing dishes. I am okay with doing a lot because he works factory overnights and it's tough, but it's getting out of hand now and I KNOW I'm not supposed to be handling it all alone. Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy that he has to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep, ends up getting 9-10 and then gets upset when our kid wakes him up from screaming at 4PM?! or will sigh loudly or stomp downstairs if I ask for help in the middle of the night when he won't stop crying? He says knows he is a man child, a jackass and a smartass a lottt and to be fair, he was raised by wolves who do the same thing, but the other day made me look at him differently and now I cannot sleep and I'm having a manic episode from it...
Yesterday was what I'd like to call D Day for Daddy:
He likes to assume a lot that when I'm talking about something, that it always has something to do with something he's done, even if it's something random I'm saying about our kid or the heat, literally anything. Our kid was throwing a massive fit last night and didn't want to sleep (and it was because he was given some ice cream, which he's never wanted to try until last night with daddy while I was taking a bath. It was 8pm... I always get him to bed alone but that wasn't happening), so I am rocking him with an overwhelming look plastered on my face and my bf asks what's wrong. I tell him "because the baby's throwing a fit he's making me hotter than I already-" and didn't even let me finish before cutting me off with a loud sigh and says "fine you can have the fan back" and walks over to turn the box fan. I'm telling him no that's not why I said that and I don't need the fan over and over and he ignores me and snips back if that's good and I say two words "yeah sure" ... Then I heard "what the f* is wrong with you why are you being a cunt to me"... And I stared for a second and LOST IT. I told him I oughta kick your ass for that hypocritical crap, told him to get the eff away from me and that he better not call me that ever again, especially while im feeding our kid. ending his point with "I don't care about the pregnancy, the pregnancy isn't what is causing you to be a bitch to me" didn't help him and I told him to get the hell out of the room and go somewhere far. 5 min later he comes downstairs and says he's sorry for calling me that and that it was the wrong words to use. It shouldn't have been on the list of things to say. I haven't said I forgive him because I don't... But he's trying to kiss me and hold me...but at this very moment, because of the hormones, I cringe. He doesn't seem sorry and I cannot let it go. My heart breaks Everytime I replay it in my head. I've never been called a b**ch or a cunt by him, and I even yelled at him when we first hung out, he called his old roommate a cunt to her face in front of me. Am I wrong to feel like this? Am I crazy to think I've given everything up for my kids and he hasn't...and that I never can show I'm upset with something random that day or he thinks it's always about him? nothing has really changed his daily routine, he wakes up around 3:30pm, takes an hour poop, goes back upstairs because baby's napping happens at 430, has 3 hours of free time to himself (even if the baby wakes up, he will see him for 30 min) , leaves at 730pm for work, comes home at 630am, sees the baby for about 15 min before he gets his food, takes his shower and heads upstairs at 715am and it starts all over, so he is never ever watching him, even on his days off. I feel so unappreciated and im ugly crying right now downstairs silently while baby's asleep and while he plays games upstairs on his PC. I felt beautiful my first pregnancy but that was before. I know this relationship is not normal, but we met and did it twice and after 9 years of being blamed by the ex for infertility issues, I get pregnant with no signs of miscarrying with basically a stranger. I can see this ending, but now I've decided to keep the baby because he wanted me to (I also would t have lived with myself If I'd actually aborted my baby because the due date is 2 days after my grandma's birthday and I feel like it's her sweet and pure reincarnated soul) and then this happens and I'm shattered. Am I overthinking and overreacting?