Wife loses it when I step in

[LancashireDad]

My wife has started to lose it when I step in to discipline our son. He’s 11 and really testing the boundaries at the moment. Other than that he’s a happy 11 year old however he can from time to time can go into a spiral of self deprecation. ’I can’t do anything right’. That sort of thing.

One night last week, it was time for my son’s bedtime and he wouldn’t shut the laptop after several times of my wife asking. I was sat on the sofa and said I would shut the laptop lid if he didn’t do as he was told. (My wife didn’t recall me saying this when I asked her afterwards.) My son responded ‘no you’re not’!

I got up from the sofa and shut the laptop. . My wife then lost it completely demanding why I did that and that she had it under control. She started shouting and accusing me of undermining her. I felt at the time I was backing her up and my son calling my bluff warranted my actions. I didn’t think too much about it and took action.

I have adopted the 3 strikes and you’re out approach whereas my wife would keep asking 20 times if she needed to. Clearly her method wasn't working on this occasion so I stepped in. I don’t think I did anything wrong as I communicated it before my so called ‘knee jerk’ reaction.
My son slammed the living room door on his way upstairs.

We aren’t getting along at the moment and it’s a massive strain on the relationship. It feels so dysfunctional to me. My wife does tend to shout a lot. I’m not the perfect husband by any means but I’m trying hard given my recent ADHD diagnosis. I have my own struggles with self esteem and imposter syndrome etc etc.

i am quite impatient and don’t really stand for nonsense. My wife on the other hand tends to do a lot for my son which I don’t think helps his self-esteem. He’s bright and a good kid overall and and I feel blessed that he’s so talented but our parenting styles are so mismatched. My wife never really had a strong father figure in her life growing up and she hates asking for help due to this.

Resentment is creeping into our marriage of 8 years. I really am thinking of divorcing her as I feel like I’m at the end of my tether and I’m miserable. I know splitting up would devastate my son but I’m not happy and that’s the only thing keeping me here right now. I’m stuck.

What do I do?

You’re supposed to be a team, you’re not backing her, you’re deciding when you’ve had enough, and you’re just shutting her down. That’s what it sounds like to me, and probably how she reads it. And divorcing over parenting sounds like you think you being right is more important thsn your relationship. Your child’s issues is a short term thing and you’re willing to not grow old with her because of them? The two of your need to start talking either with or without a counsellor

I am quite impatient and don’t really stand for nonsense.

It sounds like that's an understatement and you actually fly off the handle and are overly critical of your son. Which will likely be a cause of this:

he can from time to time can go into a spiral of self deprecation. ’I can’t do anything right’. That sort of thing.

That's very concerning in an 11-year-old and should be the focus of your concerns.

My wife never really had a strong father figure in her life growing up and she hates asking for help due to this.

A strong father figure isn't someone who is impatient and domineering. It's someone who is calm, able to empathise and set clear boundaries without using their physical force.

I'd look at parenting courses, and perhaps anger management.

Overall your son is getting a disordered home life.

Imo she should not challenge you in front of your son. Any disagreements should be discussed out of earshot, an agreed plan formulated so you work together as a team.

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP.

You have adopted a three strikes and you're out method?

Have you discussed this with your co-parent?

Who spends more time with the DS, you or her?

Yes, you undermined her. Apologise and do better.
For starters, the two of you need to sit down and listen to the reasoning behind the opposing strategies you each seem to think will work.

Stop butting in when your wife is doing things her way, or you will alienate your wife and make the boy unmanageable.

quite impatient and don't really stand for nonsense

That sounds insufferable. Who gets to decide what is nonsense?

Take a long, hard look at yourself and your theories about 'father figures'.

Ask yourself what issues you currently have that stem directly from your own experiences of a 'father figure'. Be brutally honest.

Ask yourself if your wife wants you to be a 'father figure' or a co-parent and life partner with whom she can feel safe. I guarantee it's the latter.

Your wife blew up because you have a habit of pulling rank. That is a response to parenting situations that comes from fear, not confidence or a sense of authority.

You need to have a conversation with your wife and come to an agreement about discipline. Family Lives have free parenting classes if you're struggling.

Seems as though she doesn’t let you say anything about disciplining your son at all, so you just really are an offsider . He is only going to get worse with his attitude towards her . Both of you need to sit down and discuss exactly how you are going to manage this. Your son will play you off against each other.

By the way, if it was the husband that shouted a lot, everyone would say he was abusive.

2 things can both be true..

Your wife may be ineffective at dealing with his behavior..

But you may also be making it worse by stepping in, thereby loweing her authority/standing.

I've been there. I'm the stricter parent and there are plenty of times where I desperately want to jump in. But you have to hold back and not get involved, unless your partner requests it.

I think you both should be capable of having a grown up chat about what to do in those situations, and how to manage with one of you being stricter and one being softer (not a bad thing).

Also wanting to divorce because your not happy doesn't match the strong dad figure that you want to aspire to. String dads try to fix the problems in their family, not run away from them.

Everything @NJLX2021 said.

It is really important that neither parent is seen to undermine the other, and that you don't argue in front of your dc about how to parent them.

It is very very common for boys to clash with their Dads, as they hit puberty it is all about their hormones and them finding their place in the world. What the adults in the family have to do is discuss how they are going to handle situations, in private, out of earshot of the dc, and then calmly stick to what they have agreed.

I think you need to get on the same page.
Neither of you are wrong but you're on different pages.
Yes, your way of clear warning and then action is effective communication with your son, but your way of overruling your wife is Not effective communication.
If you can find what you agree on regarding discipline, where you want the destination to be, then you can start to open a discussion on the specifics.
A parenting course might be a good one to widen the discussion. Or even joint counselling to get the communication and understanding.
I think a key thing is to build up the trust.
I think in practical terms you need to both have one parent in charge at any time, and make it like a tag team, so if you're not in charge then you keep quiet, and if you get tagged in then you can help.
And if you are really desperate to help, them talk to your wife first " let me know if you need help" and then wait to be asked.
You can also ask later what kind of help would be useful in those situations, if any. That might build up the trust.