18 year old still misbehaving

[Thankyoutoallmothers]

What to do when an 18 year young adult girl is still misbehaving?

Leaving home in the middle of the night 2 am and coming back by 5 am. Leaving the front door of the house completely open for us to avoid hearing this.
Spending nights out there and no answering parent's calls.
Going to different cities without telling parents and sleeping who knows where.
Never answering mobile texts or phone calls from parents.

Doing that since becoming a teenager (12 to 13 years of age)

18 year old no working or studying

So, how a parent can make an irresponsible young lady to become more responsible and obtain some common sense.?

Thanks for reading

You take away the need for them to sneak around or the desire for them to do so. You let them.

Let them move out and be responsible for themselves, as they are so craving.

This was me at that age! Although my parents only found out about Going to different cities without telling parents and sleeping who knows where when I was in my late 30s and eventually confessed....

I did all that at 18. It was normal. We didn’t have mobiles then either and we all survived.

She could be away at uni and living like that, and you’d have no idea. Treat her like the adult she is, and let her.

Yes, but in the middle of the night??? That makes no sense. They still do whatever they want. No limits. So there is no need for all that nonsense of being irresponsible

My kids were allowed to go out whenever they wanted at 18. I expected them to be quiet, shut the door and not wake me up. I’d be furious if the front door was open but you created that situation by being so strict. I expect to know if they were staying out but it was up to them when or where they stayed.

The bit that I would be worried about is no work or studying. How does she find her social life and costs like a car without a job?

Yes. You respect them to make their own decisions about when and where to go and who to go with, they respect you by making sure the door is shut.

Responsibility will be learnt through irresponsibility.

She’s 18
if you didn’t address this at age 12 when it started, now she is an adult you have no control.

as my Grandad would have said she now has rights, but also responsibilities.
i have a dc almost 18. I no longer expect her to seek permission about going out but I do appreciate her telling me if she will be out late or missing meals etc. this is courteous behaviour for anyone living as part of a family. When she messages to tell me she is at x party I thank her for letting me know and wish her a good evening.
You need to make a short list of non negotiables - in her case locking the house securely as a start.In my case it was coming in quietly not banging doors or waking people or the dog.

You have entered a new phase of parenting, she is now an adult and your communication needs to reflect that imo

I think you ditch expectations and rules. She's 18, she should be able to come and go as she pleases.

However if she is impacting the household, I.e. she's loud at night, leaving the door unlocked, not studying or working...then you kick her out. If she wants to be an adult, then she has to get everything that comes with being an adult.

She needs to be going to uni or studying something or working.

I went to university abroad at 19 and it was the best thing I ever did for my relationship with my parents. We were driving each other mad, I was lazy and rude because frankly I wasn't a child anymore but as long as I was home, I was still sort of a child. Nothing like a few thousand miles to make you appreciate your mum's cooking and cleaning.

She's gotta go in my opinion.

I agree that she should be able to come and go as she wants, however she should respect your house rules. Ds18 lets us know if he is going out and approximately when he will be back. She should not be leaving doors open and she should be locking them shut just tell her you expect her to do so. If not in education then she needs a job and I would certainly expect that and make that a condition of living at home. If she does not like it then ultimately she can move out.

At 18 it's too late.

At 12/13 I would have been very worried about her behaviour and tackled it then.

Where does she get her money from?

You can definitely set house rules though - she must close the door - she's putting your all in danger by not doing so.

I think you need to sit down and talk - better late than never I suppose.

It’s too late to change things- you had a chance to turn things around at 12 /13 though.

Are you giving her money?

Practically you can buy door sensors or cameras to alert you like you would do if someone had dementia and wandered. The tech is really cheap now. Doesn’t solve the underlying irresponsibility of your daughter but at least your house is secure

If you want to help her, you need to build a connection and relationship with her.

If you don't want to help her, make her homeless. She will likely significantly fail in life then. But this option requires no work or effort from you, if that's your preference.

If you want to help her the rules as a adult living at home become about respecting the home and others, not 'doing as you're told'. The only way youre going to get her to respect you is to build a connection with her, shes got to care about what you think. That means being on her side even when she makes mistakes. It means loving her for who she is, not who you hope she'd be. It means negotiating rather than being controlling.

Where is she getting money from?

Well you quite clearly haven’t been parenting this child properly and have been tip toeing around them.

I acted out this way as a teenager and my parents never told me no or punished me when really I was pushing boundaries because I was desperate for them to take control and parent me.

If your daughter has been doing this since they were 12 where were the repercussions?

If they don’t work I assume you give them money? Who’s buying their clothes, food, their phone contract?

Hit them where it hurts and stop funding their free ride. Turn off WiFi at home, cut their phone contact.

You may be too late to start trying to parent a child who is now an actual adult but you can give them the ultimatum of either getting a job or seeking further education or you will stop funding their lifestyle but it may not work now as you’ve left this too late.

My immediate thought is she's being abused or coerced in some way. Since she was a child when this started. Have social care been involved in the past? If not, whyever not? Did she do her exams?

Take a step back. Tell her you expect her to message if she’s not going to be sleeping at home that night so you don’t worry, and leaving the front door open is a massive no no.
I would also stop giving her any money too, you pay for the roof over her head and food so anything else she needs to provide herself.

She leaves without telling you because she knows you will object (and it has become a habit/fun). You really should have tackled this when she was an extremely vulnerable 12/13 year old (god knows what happened then!) too late now.

Let her crack on at 18. That doesn’t mean you have to let her continue to live in your house.

I would have a conversation with her say look your 18 you can do what you want but if you go out you lock the door. If your staying out thats fine but txt so that I dont spend days worrying your dead. The rent for staying here will be £..... from 1st September so I suggest you start either looking for a job or a place to stay.

Yeah I wouldn't like her leaving my front door open. Do you have a Ring?
@Thankyoutoallmothers

Twelve year old girls don't go out repeatedly in the early hours if they're happy, safe and secure at home and in reasonably good enough friendship groups outside home. Misbehaving is a shocking term for this if she was 12 when it started.