Help! Nightmare situation with Sons Father

[BethN94]

Background- DS is now 5YO and his Dad and I split when he was 1YO. I was very isolated living in the dad’s home town and to enable me to carry on working and have support I moved 350miles back home with my son.
The Dad works off shore for months at a time so will go long periods without seeing our son. In the last 7 months he has seen him twice and then planned to have him for 3 weeks of the end of the school holiday.

1st issue- The dad does not pay Tax on his earnings due to a seafarers incentive and as CMS is based on “taxable” income, they have decided he doesn’t have to pay a penny. Even though he earns £50-60K +.

2nd Issue- the dad has messaged to say that he has had to rearrange his work schedule to be home for his new babies arrival (due Sept) so will no longer be able to see our son at all in the summer holidays. There is now no future date to see our son so he won’t see him for at least 6 months +. I am devastated for our son as he idolises his dad and asks daily when he is seeing him next. I also had a holiday booked with my partner for a week he was meant to be with his dad which is now looking like we will have to cancel and lose £1700. My cost of childcare during the holidays is now going to be far more and this is going to be a huge struggle.

I feel like I am at the end of my ability to cope with all of this. My son deserves better and I am constantly told it is all my fault because I moved away.

Any advise on any of this situation?

I might start by asking the CMS for a variation as he has earning even if they are not taxed

What a horrid situation.
Cant your son come on holiday with you?

F@ck the absent waster. Add your son to your holiday booking and go make memories. It won't be long before your son forms his own opinions on how poor his father is at parenting.

Yes take your son with you on holiday. Sometimes hotels let you add an extra cot bed for only a bit more?

That’s such an annoying situation, op.

What a piece of shit. He doesn't deserve to have children. End of.

Assuming your ex is on your son's birthday certificate, then if you moving 350 miles away was such an issue, he could have taken you to Court to stop the move!! 🤷 He didn't, so therefore he couldn't have been that bothered. He only brings up the fact you moved away, because it suits his narrative. Unfortunately, you can't force your ex to step up and be a Dad to your son. It's shit, I know, but that's how it is. I would see if the CMS can help with support.

I would go to your MP about the CMS situation that is outrageous!
Take your son on holiday with you do t lose the €1700 see if they have a kids club you can use!

Definitely contact the cms for another review , think it’s called a variation ? I did one on my ex and he only declared £12k income despite his life style .
even if you hadn’t moved he would still have been a sh@t dad . You did what was right for you x

CMS are wrong. He will have to submit a tax return even though he doesn’t pay tax. It was either through child benefit contacting me and saying I wasn’t entitled to child benefit or maybe the free childcare hours etc that I finally found out how much my now ex husband was actually earning!! £98k tax free!! I was the one constantly paying off his debts during the marriage too!!

Luckily I had left him by then so his income didn’t affect me & they just updated their records. But they definitely knew what his income was!
But it definitely made me push for proper proof of his earrings in the divorce mediation. he agreed to an amount of child maintenance theough our financial order. He was desperate not to go through CMS so they didn’t start poking around into his tax situation and realise he hasn’t been paying his voluntary NI!

Your ex will still have to submit a tax return so I would be asking the CMS to be looking in to it further. Surely you can take your son with you, that won’t cost £1700 to add a child on. Not ideal moving so far away but it doesn’t sound like your ex would have been much better had you stayed locally.

You could not cope living there you can’t cope now. You seem to have swapped

Ask CMS to look at this again. And seen as you moved 350 miles away to be with family rather than near his dad I’d ask them to have your son for the week while your on holiday.

Honestly when you moved away surely you knew how difficult it would be for your ex to see your son?
350 miles away is ridiculous!

Thank you everyone for your advise, I will ask CMS for a variation.

Should I look at getting a financial order from a judge?

You need “proper” legal advice but definitely approach the CMS officially, if you haven’t already lodged a claim, so that even if you have to fight for it, the payments will be backdated.
You also need a legally binding schedule for contact, which will give your child stability. If your ex is working offshore for months at a time, living closer wouldn’t make much difference, so don’t feel guilty about moving to where you have support. Could one of your family members look after him, while you are away? It’s hard when the non resident parent is “flakey” about showing up. I was lucky, that my oldest son’s father just walked away. My now exH (and father to my other children) is a nightmare for letting them down and messing the children (and myself) around.