Not sure whether to leave my partner

[Anonymouspleas]

me and my partner have been together 5 years, 2 kids together, 2 year old and a 4 month old. He’s great he puts the 2 year old to sleep every night, will bath them if needed, will help out if needed. I understand he does things if I ask, but I do all the housework, and 99% of the parenting. He will sit on his phone and put the kids infront of the tv if he’s “ minding “ them. But he will take them out a walk if I ask. He will change a bum IF I ASK. I do 100% of the housework except the bin which he forgets to do every single day. He recently came home from therapy and says when I ask him to do things it makes him depressed. I understand I stay at home with the kids I don’t mind doing a lot that’s completely fair. But I just wish he would help without asking step by step what to do, lists, everything. He always says “ just ask if you need it” I don’t know what I’m saying here to be honest. He loves the kids and loves me, he’s very short fused but aren’t all men. This is the first year he’s doing something for my birthday and already planned Christmas after 5 years of nothing. I remember crying 2 years ago because he got me nothing. Selfish as it sounds even a card would’ve been nice. I can’t afford to live without him. But I am not happy. I see all these relationships of being completely inlove and I don’t think I am. Yet I would be completely heartbroken if he wasn’t here. I don’t have any friends, don’t live close to family, don’t go out apart from taking the kids to parks everyday and walks. He drives the car, I have a liscence but no car. What do I do. He says it makes him depressed when he’s asked to do stuff but I do everything. I don’t know what to do because if I ask him in a certain way to do things ( I have to tip toe as he gets angry if I just ask him normally ) he will do it. Earlier he came home and said he had trauma from someone telling him to do stuff in work which is why he doesn’t do anything. He asked if I would’ve got with him if I knew he was like this and I said no, he called me everything under the sun and left. I just need help. I am so alone and sad I just need help. I’m exhausted.

So is this a change from when you got together? It sounds an awful way to be living - for both of you. He sounds very depressed. His work life seems to be a source of stress and tbh if he’s got the responsibility of being sole earner in a stressful job, I can understand him feeling depressed. But that doesn’t excuse him sitting the kids in front of the telly or not doing anything without being asked. You mention therapy so I assume he may have a diagnosis of depression.

if the relationship is going to survive, you need an honest, no holds barred discussion. You need to tell him exactly how this is making you feel. But you also need to be prepared for him to be honest too, and he may not be happy to have all the pressure of earning. You then need to look at the changes you’ll both need to make if you’re going to make a go of things together.

If you decide to call it a day, then you’ll need to find a way to support yourself anyway so looking at how to gain some financial independence is important regardless of the future.

and your lack of friends is a separate issue. Why do you not have any friends? What can you do to change that? You don’t need to live near family to have a network, it just means joining an activity or chatting to people in your locality to make connections. Regardless of the state of your marriage, it doesn’t seem healthy to be so totally reliant on your partner and without other friendships.

What does it look like when he's short fused?

If you’re asking the question, you probably want the relationship to end - you just don’t know how to.

If you actually just want a change, you need to talk - lay all your cards on the table, both of you.

You may need to get a job - if you’re both working, the split of household chores should be more even! If you split up, you’ll need a job anyway.

He shouldn’t be “minding” his own children. He’s their father and it’s called parenting.

i take it you aren’t married. Is your home rented or do you own it? It owned, are you on the deeds/mortgage?

I’m on maternity leave so the pay isn’t great. I understand he’s stressed about money I know he works hard, yes he’s depressed, we only moved out 2 years ago but we rent and he’s completely changed. I do everything in my power to make him happy but he doesn’t even want a hug or kiss anymore. And I feel like I really to everything, I just don’t think it was fair for him to say I make him sad when I ask him to help. Thanks for all of the replies. It means a lot to me

And yes I moved away form my friends a few years ago as he wouldn’t travel to see me. I know how bad it sounds but we lived an hour away from eachother and I loved him. We lived around half an hour from my family and I guess I’ve grew out of the friendships I previously had as nobody has kids ect. For reference I’m 22.

Your baby is very small at the moment. You are in a vulnerable position and wouldn't be going back to work at this point regardless. He is tired too. It doesn't sound like the best time to be making big decisions like leaving or staying.

I think the focus should be on you building up your own support network as well as your partner. No one should be entirely responsible for someone's (adult) happiness. He can't fill the gap of you being alone all day seeing no other adults.

Fwiw I think a lot of people find their relationship under stress in these early years. There are a lot of misunderstandings and what is perceived as injustices and demands from the other partner. I used to be in tears at Christmas because my husband thought I should have made more effort to make it "magical". These amazing relationships people appear to have are snapshots. Sometimes people are incompatible sometimes downright abusive sometimes it is just very poor communication. Gestures like cards and presents arent as important as hugs and listening and caring. If he doesn't do ANY or show an interest in looking after the children At ALL of that I would be very concerned.

As I say your baby is very young and I was completely exhausted at your stage and not much would have tipped me over but the helpfulness I did get went a long way...and if course there is always always things that fall by the wayside. My husband never did the slightest bit of tidying or cleaning but he did take them out and do bedtimes, read play and eventually took over the cooking when they were much older!!!!

But you are incredibly important and only you can look after you...so what do you need apart from housework support...friends, transport, more time off to do something you like ...these are things you should be discussing as positive steps not "partner you are failing to do x y z"

Can I pick up on one thing? Being short-fused isn't normal for most men, let alone all men.

At 22 of course you need friends!!!! So does he too for that matter. I'm not surprised you are feeling completely desperate. My best friend with a kid, when I first had kids at 34 was 40 so age doesn't matter as much as you think. What about possibly making some acquaintances at nursery or playgroup...is there a chance of finding a playgroup? I had no support network or friends when I moved to a new place and everything started with playgroups and drop ins. It used to make my week looking forward to adult company.

So you’ve been together since you were 17, you must have been pregnant at 19 and are on your second lot of maternity leave…. That’s a lot by the age of 22!

Have you ever had a fair split of work/ life/ domestics? What were things like before you had your first child?

it sounds like you’ve fallen into this pattern at a young age and it’s not working for either of you. You resent doing everything in the home and that he isn’t being a hands on parent unless you literally tell him to do something. He sounds like work is stressful for him and he’s having therapy.

I still think the only way forward is an honest conversation with each of you saying what you want to be different. Then it’s a case of both making changes to accommodate that, or agreeing you’re better off apart.

I would add though (and this would be the case even if the marriage was fine at the moment) that at your age, you can’t have much of a career or pension payments behind you yet, so move towards some financial independence as soon as you can. I think many relationships work best with a balance anyway - it avoids that resentment when one partner feels they’re getting an unfair deal.

No one likes being asked to do things. My father is 92, completely compos mentis and if you ask him to do something he "needs" to do which is uninteresting to him he behaves like a recalcitrant teenager. But he will do things that are helpful if he perceives it as his choice. This is years of practice from my mother asking him to do various things. The more she asked him to do things the more he perceived it as "nagging". And tbh she was exactly the same about things he wanted her to do. She thought he was nagging HER when he told her to stop eating cake or exercise more.

This is a life long problem! My parents were happily married for 58 years and had four kids, until my mother died fwiw.

You seem very vulnerable to me, Op. An hour away is nothing. But he refused to travel to you? You are so young. I really hope that this thread is helping you.

I’d agree short fused isn’t all men but actually with your age children it can be normal for both men and women (depending of course on how short fused)

You’re too young for this. Life’s so much better.