Needing some reassurance as a second time mum

[Zellie1027]

I’m a mum to a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old.

I was chatting to a friend today. She has a 5 month old and he is her only child. She was asking about sleep and telling me how her baby is waking up earlier and asking whether she should cap his naps or extend them. She knows my first born was a pretty terrible sleeper for the first year and nothing I did worked. She then asked what I was doing for my second born. To which I responded that she just naps when she can, for example today she had 5 mins in the car on the way to a toddler group, then had 15 mins in the carrier once she finally fell asleep then had another 15 mins in the car on the way home. Her response ‘oh the poor thing, she must be so tired’. Now, I don’t disagree with her, she probably is, but it’s made me feel rubbish and like I’m being a terrible mother.

I try my best everyday to maximise her sleep, whether that’s getting out for pram naps, putting her in the carrier or creating a quiet environment with my toddler around for a contact nap. On the days my toddler is at her childminders I structure my day around her naps as much as possible. It doesn’t always work out though and I don’t know what more I can do!

Please can I get some reassurance that my second borns sleep isn’t that far from the norm?!

Well I have the exact same gap and the exact same set up sleep wise! So maybe we are both crap second time mums!
but in all honesty I think I’m just trying to maximise my babies naps as much as possible within the restraints of a toddler!l with my first all his naps were contact naps unless we were out the house and I was able to follow his cues - can’t do that now! So have been trying to get her to sleep in her pram with a rocket when at home which has finally had some success the last two days!
but I totally have days where she has been pulled from pillar to post and just grabbed 5 mins here and there!
just ignore your friends words - doubt she meant any harm but she has literally no idea what you are juggling. Sounds like you are doing great!
I’m hopeful that once the baby is on like 2 naps a day and more predictable I can plan around them a bit more and toddler can be a bit more flexible - but for now this is what works!

I think you’d know if she was really tired as she’d be grumpy and tetchy a lot and it doesn’t sound like she is? I was really strict with my first and it restricted my life in a way I regret looking back. It was freeing with my DS to have to be more flexible. As he got older he got into a routine but it was still flexible around our routine

Second babies slot in around toddlers and are far more chilled because of it.

I had a similar age gap and it was the same. The second baby just has to fit in around the schedule of the first! My first absolutely NEEDED a sturdy nap routine, you'd know about it if she hadn't napped well and 4 years later she's still the same, if she's not had enough sleep she's a nightmare.

Meanwhile my second could skip naps and you'd barely notice as he was so chilled out most of the time. Now that he's 14 months and a lot more active his nap times have sort of worked themselves out (although we're getting to the awkward stage of transitioning from 2 to 1 naps). Still though, I couldn't tell you what his average nap time is as it varies a lot whereas with my first I knew pretty much exactly how long she'd nap for.

When you friend has her 2nd she'll understand!

Second babies just have to fit in, and they are all the better for it.

If only it was possible to have your first baby, second 😝

You have no choice when you have a second DC...they have to slot in with the routine of the older DC... taking them on school/nursery runs etc. it's totally normal and fine...I'm sure you're doing a great job...it's a balancing act.

Yup, similar age gap here and same situation. Unfortunately it's the toddlers world and we are all just living in it! I'm sure your baby is happy and healthy and thriving mama your doing a good job. As a FTM you can't fathom the challenges of having a second, just like you couldn't imagine how hard it is having a child when you don't have any. But on the other side you cant imagine how beautiful it is to watch them bond and grow together ❤️

If and when your friend has another she will probably regret her comment I dare say 😂 you can all laugh about it then!

My youngest is 6 now but there's less then 2 years between them. and we did similar. If he was very tired and I wanted him to sleep longer I'd load him in his pram or carrier/the car earlier and give him an extra 20 minutes or so but with a toddler too it's impossible to be so obsessed over their sleep. He was the most contented and easy going baby (I wish that had lasted longer 😂) and it definitely did him no harm, he got very good at sleeping when he needed to sleep. Not to be rude but your friend is clueless and she always will be unless she has another with a small age gap so don't take any silly comments to heart. Just do what works for your family and what you're doing clearly is working.

Thanks all for your lovely replies! Feeling much better about it all knowing I’m not alone in how this is going. I know my friend didn’t mean anything by it but I am sort of looking forward to when she has her second so she can realise what it’s like! Tomorrow (or today seeing as it’s 4am) it’s a day for just me and my youngest and I’m looking forward to a relaxed, contact nap kind of day 😊

Nah, she’ll sleep when she wants as long as she has the opportunity.

my 1st didn’t ever want to sleep, 2nd loves to sleep.
he sleeps in the pushchair, car, I found him the other day curled up on the sofa making a nest to sleep in. He’s 18mknths

I have no idea when my youngest child naps, length of time etc. on the rare occasion we are in for the afternoon I will put them down for about two hours otherwise they just live their life around me, the toddler and the older ones