Help me work out what to do

[IDontLikeMondays88]

My little one 5 really struggles to stay regulated at parties of which we have had numerous recently.

he often is the loudest in the room and just is too rough and boisterous. Totally disregulated (not at all parties but sometimes). At the last party it descended into physical aggression. Generally we are having issues with hitting etc at home and I’ve had the same on a couple of play dates.

just to be clear I thought many of the children there were behaving wildly but it is the hitting people etc I just don’t want obviously. I think he saw it as an exciting game - they were all on a bouncy castle and it was feral but I did think his behaviour went beyond how the others were behaving. He was totally hyped and not able to control himself.

i took him out of the hall and spoke to him twice - calmly said to calm down, don’t hit etc. he will seem calm when I speak to him and say sorry mum etc etc

however when I saw him hitting again for no reason I just said ok we are going home now.

he was very very upset outside the party about going home. I was upset too tbh.

I now don’t really know if I did the right thing or not taking him home. My husband thinks I over reacted but I also think my husband under reacts if that makes sense.

I am just not exactly sure what else to do in a situation like this where he’s been asked to stop and just can’t or won’t stop. But I suppose it did make it a big deal out of it going home.

please help 🙏🏻

I am also kind of just worried about how this is all perceived by other parents.
i feel I look like disciplinarian mum in a world of gentle parents tbh.
my little boy was outside sobbing “im sorry im sorry” but by that point i think he knew i was definitely taking him home - but I worry I look like some sort of ogre mum.
my husband is generally a very gentle sort of man. So we have an issue where I feel he does not step in where he should and I feel I am getting left with all the discipline.

I think you handled it perfectly. He had warnings, you made the expectations very clear and you followed through. Well done.

I really hate the feral church hall parties where nothing is provided in way of entertainment except a far too small bouncy castle though. Obviously it doesn’t excuse the hitting but IME they always cause wild behaviour, tears, accidental injuries, not to mention that I always feel like I need a lie down afterwards from the noise level!

Hey it’s so hard and I totally empathise with this. My DD 4 gets like this too. She knows hitting isn’t okay but gets excited and does. They all seem to. I think you did the right thing. Our job is boundaries and not accepting behaviour that is over them. The issue with sooooo many influencers that don’t know you, people with different views is they can shake your foundation. You gave him a chance, he did it again, how else will he learn? Personally I find kids parties to be really stressful. My little one is always over stimulated and I find myself being the bad guy when I try to put a stop to unacceptable behaviour especially when other’s seem to sit back and let theirs carry on. You’re following your own mum moral compass and doing what’s right for your DS. That’s what matters. Perhaps your husband can do the next party, see how he copes?

re hitting at home, mines doing that too. Only at me of course! I remove attention and state it’s not okay to hit. And ask if she’s frustrated after she’s usually had a bit of a tantrum. I’ve renamed time out/naughty step to brain break (some ADHD advice that I thought was useful) explaining it’s time to give our brain a break and sort out thoughts and feelings. Mainly because I know that continuously telling her she’s naughty as I was before may not have helped. It’s slow but getting a bit better day by day. My heart goes out to you. You did what was right in the moment. You didn’t overreact at all.

Hi. It is possible your son has sensory processing issues - it would probably help more to give him a hug than to talk to him.

My daughter benefited a lot from strategies to help her keep regulated.

You can diy a lot yourself using a good book like The Out of Synch child. But it would be really helpful to consult a sensory expert and get some help.

It's sounds to me like you handled it well. A lot depends on the tone - if you were shouting at him about going home then that would be orge mum territory, but if you were calmly explaining that it's not OK to hit and you were going to leave for his and everyone else's safety then it's great.
Personally as a parent of a timid child who has experienced those wild parties, I would have been very glad of you recognising that his behaviour had gone too far and taking measures to resolve it before other kids got hurt. Many parents don't.

I didn’t shout I just said ok we are going home now and took him out. He was then very upset outside the venue and kind of tantrumming and tbh I did start to lose my cool then. We all eventually calmed down a bit and walked home.

I totally agree about the church hall type bouncy castle parties - I feel they are really hard going and those are the parties we are struggling with. If it is an entertainer or appropriate soft play or an activity it seems to go better.

What you have done is proper parenting. Stay strong and your son will benefit from it. Do not give a single thought to other parents. If they are not judging you for being strict they will be judging you for having an unruly child.

Your child has had his first glimpse of actions and consequences. He needs to realise that if you say it, you will mean it. They quickly learn.

@Arran2024 i have wondered about sensory issues before and neuro diversity generally

he can be very noise sensitive and I have wondered if there is some sort of sensory processing thing going on.

Where would I find a sensory expert?

Type "sensory integration therapist near me" into google. Or try paediatric occupational therapist. You could also ask school for advice.

I don’t think you need to worry about looking too strict. If he’s running round a party hitting people, I imagine people will be glad you decided to take him home.

I agree your parenting was fine. It's not nice for your DS to be in an environment that is too much and for him to be behaving in a way that is out of character because of it.

What is the general structure of the parties? If it is about 2 hours with food in the middle, would it help to turn up a good 15-20 minutes late, to reduce the amount of unstructured, increasingly overwhelming playtime before food is served?

You could also try making a plan with him beforehand about how you are going to support him if you see him getting overwhelmed. Something like taking a 10 minute break to go for a quick walk / use the toilet / have a drink so that he really has enough time to calm down a bit before going back to the party. That way what you do at the party is fairly similar, but it lands with him as "we're taking a break for a bit before you get too hot and bothered" (helpful /supportive)rather than "we have to leave/come out because you can't behave properly" (possibly a bit shaming).

Absolutely fine, you warned him and then carried out your warning well done. My DS is AuDHD. Even before we had a proper diagnosis we were pretty sure of the ASD because of family history. This never prevented me from saying if x happens again we will leave. It happened again we left. I always followed through and did my best not to throw out big consequences for small things. He knew exactly where he was with me and that my word was good, if I made a promise be it a positive or negative then that promise happened. Our relationship now he’s a teenager is very good, he knows my word means something and it also gives us room to discuss stuff now he’s older. Just because a child may be on the spectrum does not mean you can’t have boundaries. As it is it sounds like parties may be more than he can handle sadly. Perhaps some headphones might help him not become so overwhelmed in noisy spaces, halls are the worst for it.

@SayDoWhatNow thanks - yeah I am def trying to turn up a bit late but for this particular party we were dead on time for various reasons

I think the going outside for ten mins is a good idea. I maybe didn’t give him quite enough time to properly calm down

You’re doing the right thing. There is one child who is physically aggressive at birthday parties we know and it’s a total nightmare seeing them constantly hurting children and sometimes ruining the entire party for others with no consequences from the parents.

If you’re going to a lot of parties it might just be too much for him at the moment as well. Maybe dial down how many you’re attending. Honestly, my son is fine with parties but even I pick carefully which ones we go to because some are just a recipe for disaster depending on the venue and what’s available. We were invited to one that was a pottery painting thing for a little girl’s birthday and there’s no way my son could cope with 2 hours of painting pottery and having a tea party. He needs the kind of party that has a bouncy castle and a chance to run around

Thanks - this is a good point. I think we need to be more circumspect about what we are accepting invites to. He is invited to quite a lot but the parties that go better are where there is a specific activity or entertainer (he is a good joiner inner!)

the hall with just running about I am finding he gets too over excited

I think @SayDoWhatNow 's advice is good. I would add in thinking a bit about what might help your son calm down during the wee break (beside stepping out of the overstimulating party room). A walk and a drink are good candidates, but there might be others – a tight hug, a few minutes with fidget toy or a sensory toy, a small snack, a calm and steady strength exercise like pushing against wall, etc.

I am so glad a posted as I feel I have a bit of a plan of action and less self conscious about the whole episode. Thanks for the (generally) supportive posts.

Just to add to the chorus of you doing the right thing. And I imagine other parents would judge you positively for not allowing your son to continue the bad behaviour. Too many parents would give a wishy washy don't do that, and then continue to let their child go around hitting.