5 year old still babyish

[rhrni]

My youngest is 5. She’s loving, kind and v sensitive.

She gets a lot of attention for being sensitive & she plays on this and acts all cute to get extra attention.

She talks in a baby voice all the time. She always needs to be hugged or picked up. She started shouting ‘Mamma, Dadda’ on sports day in front of everyone, and I realised then how different she is to the other kids there. The others aren’t anywhere near as babyish/childish. I know she likes to sit on her teachers lap etc, but actually it’s not really appropriate at that age.

She will be in Year 1 in September and this really needs to be knocked out of her.

I don’t know how to do this without hurting her feelings because she really is sensitive.

I think she knows that everyone warms to her and feels sorry for her when she acts like this, so continues to do so.

Any ideas about where I can begin?

She almost certainly got (and gets) a benefit from behaving like this, which you need to cut off. A simple “no hugs or cuddles if you act like a baby” from you will cure it. I’m afraid it looks like, you indulged her when younger and now you’re stuck with that behaviour unless you go through a tough “cold turkey”.

This is one of those threads where there’s great advice but I’m just lost as to why people are shocked at the ‘knocked it out of her.’ It obviously, clearly, is not meant literally, just in a sort of ‘rub the corners off’ way!

It’s alright OP I know exactly what you’re talking about and know many children like this. It is grating so I can understand why it’s irritating you. It absolutely is a little bit conniving. She likes the attention for being “cute” but the phase will pass because it will stop appearing cute to her peers soon enough. It is a normal phase for a lot of kids. I’d ignore it and let her role play at home. The goo goo ga ga stuff I’d respond the same way I do any nonsense voices “I can’t understand when you speak like that but I can help you with what you want if you speak in a normal voice”

My dd is five and I wouldn’t say she is babyish but even she asks us to “pretend she’s a newborn baby” fairly frequently. We just say Aw look at the precious newborn baby etc for a minute and she is satisfied. I think it is just part of getting used to the idea that they are no longer babies. I can see why it’s frustrating that your dd does it all the time but it’s probably a fairly normal phase and she’ll grow out of it.
We keep reminding dd then even when she’s grown up she’ll always be our baby (not when she’s deliberately acting babyish) and this seems to really reassure her.
She also does a “baby voice” occasionally and sometimes I ignore it but other times I will say No baby voice, it’s important to speak properly.
The hugging people who are practically strangers is a bit odd at that age from my experience of 5yos. I think you just need to tell her straight, don’t do that.

How is she with other children her age OP? How is her behaviour in general?

I work in a school, and can assure you that plenty of kids at this age are cuddly with teachers. They're so little! Its fine. She doesn't need anything knocking out of her.
She may well be putting the baby voice on for you because she wants to be reassured that shes still your baby when she comes home.

My son does this and he is awaiting an autism assessment. He has many other triats not just this but I do feel for you OP. Its nice to read people saying its normal but as I parent I feel when he does this both he and I get stared at and I dont see other kids behaving this way. He will also start hugging people trying to kiss their legs. I find the baby behaviour in him kicks in and then suddenly he starts with the toe walking and frequent "silly behaviour". Either way as other posters have said all you can do really is try to ignore it and hope they grow out of it

Yes, exactly this! I think it's them processing that they are no longer a baby. This is obviously a relatively recent change if you are five! They flicker in and out when changing stages. My 18 year old will often when tired/stressed (or just because, sometimes) revert to being a much younger teenager and need things from me that actually she can do herself. She just wants a bit of mummying. Most of the time she is a perfectly capable adult.

I think reminding that even when she's grown up she will always be your baby is exactly right, and I do that too. My adult child is of course still my baby and always will be.

She seems insecure, I don’t think it’s very normal at 5 to sit on a teachers lap. If I was a teacher I would not be happy about this. The baby voice is also unusual. Has anything happened to make her insecure, I mean has there been changes in your house? New sibling? Etc.

OP isn't pregnant! Although having another baby would be one way to deal with DD's behaviour... Quite an extreme and inconvenient solution though!

My autistic dd is very young for her stage. Just thought I'd mention this.

Glad I'm not the only one mentioning neurodiversity.

Sounds totally normal to me. She’s 5.

It’s very normal and age appropriate for a child in reception to sit on adults laps. TAs will often sit on the floor and have kids all
over them.

To sit on adults lap in class? Not in my school. We don’t allow lap sitting. It’s a safeguarding issue to protect teachers and students. Even when I was a child many years ago this didn’t happen. Completely inappropriate. I certainly would not be happy if my daughter was sitting on her male teachers lap.

Same. My dd even wanted us call her "Baby" instead of her name.
She then also struggled at puberty, wanted to stay a child. She went through a regression and found it difficult sccepting her changing body.
Then again at 19/20 moving into adulthood was very distressing.

People with autism find change and shifting states very difficult.

Op talk to your dd in a positive way but without expectations of the next stage, basically giving her lots of preparation for the next stage.

She possibly wants to stay in the safety of this younger stage and needs extra support to see it's not something to be fearful of.

My dd who's autistic is also very good at pattern recognition - understanding what actions get certain results, which can come across as being manipulative.

I don't believe there's any malicious intention, she's almost mathematical in her reasoning and resulting actions.

the part about her not wanting to grow up is something I've been careful about with my son.

I did notice that if I made comments about negative things that happen when you are older, like complaining about work, life, bills, or when he asked me about why I don't get presents from santa, saying that he doesn't come for adults. It then leads to a reaction against growing up.

Personally, I've tried to counter that by making sure he is always aware of the things that he can't do until he is grown up. E.g. he loves cars - when you are older you can drive + buy your own car. You'll be able to go out by yourself with your friends, you'll be able to ... etc.

Perhaps nice chats with your daughter about the exciting things that are ahead of her, the big stuff that she will experience later on, will help her not push back against growing up.

Actually I know exactly what OP means eg when OP says "She doesn’t like it much if others get attention. She doesn’t cry over it, but if Sister hurts her leg then all of a sudden she will say she’s hurt her leg, or needs a plaster etc."

Some children I teach are like that and it can get really frustrating to manage in a classroom setting, especially if it ends up in sulking or hurt or theatrics. They're all sweet and cute and big eyed, and think they have "special" status to cuddle the teacher but others don't, because they know it gets them attention tbh. This conscious manipulation gets obvious once you spend a lot of time with them.

I don't mean to say they're bad of course. Whether it's subconscious or conscious, it's behaviour with the ends of fulfilling their perceived needs and there's nothing wrong with that. But it's wise for OP to work on this now. It will make her DD better liked by teachers and other classmates too. I doubt SEN factors in (not an SEN cynic; rather, I have ample SEN educational therapy experience) but why not observe and consider as well.

There does seem to be a lot of posters on MN that have have kids that are ND or autistic who find change difficult, i do wonder how those children are going manage when they are aged 18 plus and are adults, are they going to be able to manage a work life?

Not relevant at all, that's precisely why we have accommodations and therapy to support them, so they can manage independently. Or they can just live like a shut-in or with bottom of the barrel jobs or end up in prison/hospitals statistically like a lot of the undiagnosed population in the previous generation

Well very relevant, op never mentioned ND or autism so very worrying that posters have commented saying this could be an issue. How many more kids out there could have this and be undiagnosed. So yes, it’s a worry how these kids will cope later in life. ND wasnt really a thing when I was grown up, I’m a 90s baby so there wasn’t as much awareness as there is now days. It’s a generally question, no need to be snooty about it.

We have two 3 year olds and they don't a t like this. If she is needy etc then that's down to parents and they way she's brought up

Have you tried encouraging her to communicate in a grown up voice by saying ..

Sorry, I don't understand that baby voice.
Speak in your school girl language please Olivia.
Say that again in a proper voice.
I can't understand what you are asking, Olivia, big girl voice please.

And similar for over the top public displays of affection with strangers..
Start asking her if it's okay to give her a cuddle.
Then insist that she asks you if it's okay to hug you.
Once you know she understands about asking people, explain to her that it is best manners to always ask people if they're okay with a hug and it's best to never hug and cuddle strangers.

I would start to firm up the boudaries of her very trusting behaviour and I would insist that you are deaf to baby voice.

@ThisSillyFox I have an autistic son and this is a concern for me when he’s old enough to work. I hope he can find something that suits him. I suspect I am ND myself (awaiting assessment) and work full time from home in tech. I find this really helps me focus without social distractions. In some careers autism can be a strength, for example some autistic people can be great researchers and have hyper-focus and amazing attention to detail.

I do think parents have a right to be concerned about this. I have an autistic nephew who is 24, very smart but is unable to work due to his lack of social skills. Did very well academically but has never had a job. Currently looking at jobs that WFH but due to his degree and lack of work experience it’s proving hard so my brother is supporting him. Low level work such as working in a shop or delivery job don’t suit him due his disability and not many jobs come up that are within his scope. Hoping something will come up sooner or later as it’s been a few years since he graduated. But I don’t know what else we can do apart from encourage him to take extra courses that will enhance his Cv.