Struggling with mental health

[JennyBee12]

I’m at a real low point at the moment. Having lots of issues with DD nearly 13 and I feel burnt out with it all. I’ve struggled on and off with depression and anxiety since my teens and this has really triggered it. She clashes a lot with her dad (my husband) which can be incredibly difficult. I feel quite isolated at the moment and I don’t really have any friends either. I spoke to my mum today and cried on the phone to her. It doesn’t help that I’ve been out of work for 9 weeks due to a hand tendon injury and I think too much time to think hasn’t been great for me. I’m not really looking for advice but just to know that I’m not alone and that others have had similar struggles. I also just want to add that my daughter is amazing and I love her so much, I just wish it wasn’t all so hard sometimes much of the time.

Hand tendon injury is exactly the kind of thing that turns a difficult situation into an impossible one. I'm so sorry, OP. Parenting is incredibly hard sometimes and managing conflict in your household especially draining and wearing. If it helps, you can tell us more about it here. What would you say to a dear friend in your situation?

Thanks so much for the response. She has many ADHD traits though no diagnosis. She gets very easily frustrated and says hurtful things sometimes. But last night (after I posted this) was incredibly difficult. I was with her for two hours trying to calm her down because she was upset about her room. She was saying how much she hates it, even to the point that she wishes we hadn’t bought this house and she’d rather live in a tent. She was also saying she hates school and doesn’t want to go. Her attendance has been below 90 all year. She always says something is wrong (ie a headache) but physically she could go in. I’ve had arguments with her but I know I can’t force her. I have been trying to really prioritise my relationship with her not take small things personally and I’m proud that I was able to stay calm with her last night. She never usually lets me hug her but she did last night and I just told her I love her very much and am always here for her. She’s staying home today because she’s exhausted and I haven’t pushed her on it. I’m worried about her even more now and I was struggling enough as it was. I barely slept after all that. I’ve been speaking to my mum a bit and she’s been very supportive. I think I’d tell someone else what she tells me, which is to take things one step at a time and try not to let the worry overwhelm you. It’s incredibly tough though. Sorry if this has all been a ramble, I’m so tired.

I really hear you. Some background from my house: one of my DDs (in the process for ADHD assessment, just finished GCSEs) has had poor attendance at school down to a number of issues that are hard to pin down: fatigue, stomach aches, headaches etc. I always operate on the "take it at face value" and accept that if she says she's not well enough to go in, I accept that. (And I also take her to the GP periodically because I think it's important to have on record as who knows if it is significant to her long term medical history.) If it is manifestation of stress / unhappiness then that is as real as a headache in my world. I think prioritising your relationship with her is the right thing to do: being on the same side will help as you navigate educational challenges. My other DD was out of school for two years: she had (has?) chronic fatigue, in part due to gynae issues and low iron, and also in part I am sure due to ND burnout. I remind myself that there are people who were out of school for years due to war or natural disasters who still ended up as doctors; and that our long term aim is to do the best we can in getting our DC to become functioning adults. We may take detours from the socially prescribed route.

From what you say about what your DD said last night: she is communicating that she is really really unhappy about school; the "hating her room" is more complex -- is it a new house? has something changed about her room? Either way, she is expressing general unhappiness. Have you read "How to listen so kids will talk / how to talk so kids will listen"? It really helped me to understand that just showing your kid that you hear what they are saying de-escalates a situation really quickly.

What is really hard, though, is that supporting your DD is undoubtedly not the only thing you need to do in your life. Managing all the things feels really really overwhelming when one or more things end up taking just a big proportion of the airspace. Your mum is right: just take one thing at a time, and speak nicely to yourself and acknowledge and accept you are tired.

Sending strength.

Thank you so much for the support and for sharing your story. I’ve taken your perspective on board. I definitely agree that not feeling well mentally is no different to a physical issue. It’s not a new house, we’ve lived here over 9 years. It’s strange because she hasn’t mentioned it at all today so neither have I. I think, like you said, what she needed most was for me to listen and validate. Unfortunately my husband is very focused on her attendance, worried what it will mean for her future, and feels strongly that we should do more to make her. I’m very much against this as I know it will make things worse. As you said, there’s many years ahead for her. I hope that after getting the feelings off her chest she will feel a bit more positive. She’s getting some homework done today. A lot of the time she seems OK with school, enjoys seeing her friends and telling me stories, talking about what she learned etc. It’s just every so often she’ll moan that she hates it.