Different parenting styles ASD/ADHD child

[OhSoAsd]

I’ve been with my partner a few years now.
we get on great together as a couple/family.
i love her dearly.
Now my (our) DS is hitting the teen years (12)
he is adhd and asd. My partner and I can’t see eye to eye on what battles to pick. He is messy, leaves rubbish/dishes. and you can tell him to do something and by the time he’s got upstairs he’s distracted. Cycle repeat. To me it’s not a big deal as I’d rather just go do it myself over 5 mins than spend all evening stressing at him to do it and then bickering between us. Whereas my other half would rather stress at him to get it done and then get aggravated that it’s not. I also too forget things as I’m also asd.

Now we’re clashing as she is saying I’m too soft and he’s being disrespectful to the home we now have and letting him get away with things/babying him.
I’m saying she’s being too hard on little things that in the grand scheme of things don’t matter, and that because of his needs his mindset is years behind. That it takes me 5 mins to clear. But I also do understand he’s at an age he can and is able to tidy. He’s just forgetful and or lazy. A mix of both.
I don’t feel either of us are wrong, where is the middle ground for us? Where and what can we compromise to make the house happier.

Working out which bits for an ND child are 'cant do it' and what bits are 'wont do it' is far from easy! Maybe mirroring would be a helpful strategy and offer a middle ground for you and your partner. Doing the task alongside your child doesn't alleviate him of responsibility but avoids the (probably pointless) rants/moans and could also give a chance for thinking about executive functioning support strategies that might help your son gradually take more responsibility for self-direction in these tasks.

It's always easier to do the things yourself than ask a ND child to do them!
They do need to learn as much independence skills as they are able though, so you're not necessarily helping them by helping them, if you get my point.
There's that tricky balance between your stress levels and what needs to get done, and fitting in learning.
Think of it like teaching someone anything though, you'd teach them to drive a car gradually on the quiet roads and gradually build it up. So it's the same for these little tasks, first young kids can clear their own dishes from the table, gradually working up to setting the table for everyone and etc.
I think it's not so much a case of respect as preparing them for the real world.
I think if you and your partner can start to agree on where the destination is, then it becomes easier to have a conversation about the journey.