I am scared of my newborn

[Lovebythesea]

Hello all

I am a FTM to a lovely little 1 week old girl. She is great but I am so anxious around her. Scared to set her off, worried that I can’t calm her, that I’m not doing the right thing. When she cries it really stresses me out which I feel that she can sense.

My partner has been very helpful and is hands on but as soon as he leaves the house for a couple hours then I have a little panic attack. This isn’t help that I am not enjoying breastfeeding so far and yet to feel the special bonding moments that people talk about.
Are these normal feelings to have?

Very normal and she’s only one week old - ie you’re right at the beginning and the intensity is overwhelming! Totally natural. Just go with it and be very kind to yourself. It will get easier 🩷

I felt exactly like this. I was terrified of being alone with DS. It does get better, I promise you.

Firstly congratulations OP. And unfortunately yes these feelings can be normal. You’re only 1 week pp. Your hormones are all over the place. You’re probably exhausted. Have you told your partner how you feel? If not then I would tell him everything.

What about family support? The fact you’re worried shows you are a wonderful mum.

It can be normal to feel this way at this stage. If it continues or gets worse then it could be post natal depression and you might need some additional support.

Honestly when you’re expecting a baby, majority of people are so pleased and excited and so they should be. But we are never prepared enough by others for the types of feelings you are describing.

A relative of mine was super honest and I was so grateful, she said when your baby is born you might not bond straight away or get a rush of love immediately, it might take time, you might even wish you’d never had a baby.

This happens a lot there is support out there and it can get better!

Breastfeeding was a painful, dysphoric mess for me in the early weeks. For some of us, being a natural at this parenting lark takes a lot of practice!

Normal feelings. You don't actually know this person, and you have to get to know her, her likes and dislikes, the same as any stranger you meet.
Is your partner going out for a couple of hours or more very often? Is he not on paternity leave for 2 weeks? It's quite early days for him to be having extended time off, I'm presuming mostly leisure time if he's off work bar the odd supermarket trip.
When he does go back to work and you have the whole day to yourselves, can you plan in for a relative or friend, or even NCT group, to come round?

Really normal, especially this early on. Have a chat with your midwife at the next visit just to keep an eye on how you’re feeling. You’ll find you gradually get more confident.

Breastfeeding doesn’t necessarily equal a lovely bonding experience. I loathed it and it really messed up bonding with my baby. We ended up combi-feeding and I really loved the bottle feeding half of that so much more. You’ll bond doing something enjoyable with your baby - that might be having a bath, looking at a book together or lying on a blanket on the grass looking at the clouds.

Good luck!

Hey there OP! My week old second child is napping in his Moses basket next to me at the moment. I definitely feel less anxious about it all this time round.
It’s normal to feel a bit overwhelmed with a newborn. Your hormones are just a bit insane for a while after birth and you’re also likely a bit (or a lot) short on sleep. It’s very normal to feel a bit teary about it all. But for some mums (and even dads or parents who didn’t give birth) those feelings can worsen and cross into postpartum depression or anxiety. So keep a eye on how you’re feeling, and if it’s getting worse or unmanageable then don’t hesitate to give your health visitor or gp a call about it. It’s pretty common and they know how to help.
On the practical front, as long as you are paying attention to your baby, and meeting their basic needs - so feeding them when they are hungry, keeping them clean and dressed for the temperature, giving them hugs - they will be fine. It won’t do any damage if it takes you a minute or ten to figure out what’s wrong when they cry, or even if they cry all evening while you cuddle them because they have a sore tummy (comic). Your baby will be fine if they have to wait a couple of minutes while you go to the toilet, make a cup or tea, or take a quick shower, or if it takes you a minute to wake up from your own nap. And if you ever feel yourself reaching the limit of what you can cope with, it’s fine to put the baby down in a safe place (like their cot), shut the door, take a minute to breathe and calm down, and then go back when you feel more under control again.

If you’re having panic attacks you need to see a doctor.

Breastfeeding hurt for me for the first three weeks with my firstborn - not for the whole feed, just for a few seconds at the start of each feed. After three weeks it was painless and I was really glad I stuck to it. This time round I’ve had no crevasses and almost no pain.
If you hate breastfeeding and want to stop, then that’s fine, formula will do the job fine and if that helps you feel more in control and more relaxed, then that’s great.
If you want to keep breastfeeding and you’re just worried you’re doing it wrong or something then I’d consider giving it another couple of weeks, especially if you can get your baby weighed perhaps every week to have that reassurance that they are gaining weight as they should.

So normal, you've just had a huge and irrevocable life change. I remember the panic and realisation of enormous responsibility when my son was born and it to a while for me to relish that. He's two now and so much fun, and caring for him has become deeply ingrained into our lives but those first weeks and months were survival mode and learning to be parents is a crazy affair. You're also full of post partum hormones and your body and mind aren't entirely your own again yet, but I promise you they will be.

Great your husband is supporting you so well, you're doing brilliantly to reach out on here too xx

I had to get ear defenders because the crying upset me so much. Lots of newborn parents use noise cancelling headphones! Once you know that the baby needs you, and you are (trying to) care for their needs, you don't have to listen to the crying at full volume.

Things got better for me once I worked out that newborns need feeding, changing and comforting, and all you can do it cycle through those and they do, eventually, stop crying.

Try to spend as much time time with other adults as you can - baby groups, rhyme time, trips to coffee shops, whatever you can stand/manage. It doesn't matter if your baby screams, everyone will understand and want to help if they can.

After I had DD1, looking back on it now, it was baby blues.

My GP was lovely and he said I needed to book in every day for 2 weeks and he'd see me. He would ask me how it was going and I'd cry.

He reminded me that giving birth and having a newborn is an incredible thing, and despite lots of women doing it, doesn't take away from the fact that it's amazing.

But if b/f isn't going well, get advice if it's what you want to do, or do formula.

It depends what you mean by 'little panic attack'.

In my opinion there are no “special bonding moments” and it can take a long time to bond with your baby.
And if you don’t like breastfeeding, you don’t have to do it. I “bonded”
with my first baby much better once I made the decision to give up the breastfeeding and switch to formula and bottles.

DS and I were in hospital for 6 nights after he was born. He wasn’t well at first and DH had been spending practically every waking minute with us, in a hospital about 1.5 hours from our home. When we were finally discharged, after getting us settled at home, DH went out to get groceries and I spent the hour he was out terrified DS would wake up. I was holding him like he was a bomb that might go off at any moment. It’s perfectly normal to feel anxious! But if you’re finding you’re genuinely having panic attacks, or your anxiety is debilitating, do tell your midwife/GP - they’re very supportive of new mothers’ mental health usually.

Seconding the comment about it being ok to give up breastfeeding as well.