Best friend’s kid hurting mine- should I distance myself?

[Saltedcaramelcoffee]

If your best friends kid was hurting your child pretty much every time you meet up, would you distance yourself from this friend so that your kid wouldn’t spend time with theirs?

kids are 3&4 for context.

Yes. I would continue to meet up with my friend without kids, or in situations when it was easy to protect my child. I would stay open to the fact that this is probably just a phase, and we can start meeting up again when her child stops doing it (ie I wouldn't write off her child for good).

@YellowGrey thanks for your input, out of interest, what environments do you think make it easier to protect my child? Currently I feel like she will attack him anywhere and everywhere.

Does your friend intervene? Do you? I happily stepped in when my mate's ds was a nightmare.. She was an absolute sap and he could do no wrong (in her dh's eyes) so got away with loads.... We stayed friends and her ds became aware I took no shit (I had 2 dd's)..

What about if you’re out somewhere - soft play, beach, playpark? Sometimes kids can struggle in their own spaces with sharing (or the reverse)

Otherwise I’d just meet up without the children as maybe the kids don’t like each other and you can’t always force it. Give it a break for 6 months or so and try again

Agree with this - for me, it would very much dependent on the reaction and actions of the parent

I would and did although it wasn't a best friend. We would meet without the DC.

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet she always intervenes tbh, so I don’t have to. But her discipline style is quite different from mine. She resorts to threats which never happen so I don’t think it’s effective but I’d never say this to her as I wouldn’t want to offend her!

So for example if you had tickets to a kids show and you could sit in a row of seats with the kids not next to each other? Or attend a structured toddler class together? Something like soft play would be the worst IMO!

It’s happened at soft plays, parks, toddler groups so not exclusive to her house or ours unfortunately.
It will be difficult to meet her without the kids so I know I’ll see much less of her which makes me sad as she’s a really good friend but I just can’t keep putting my son through this.

100% protect your son. I wouldn't be doing any kid related activities together even if that means not seeing her. Intervening is too late if he's already been hurt.

No I wouldn’t because it’s your best friend and it would be hard to do without wrecking the friendship. She does intervene, not like she’s ignoring it, even if you don’t see eye to eye on methods. They’re also still very young so chances are that her kid will grow out of it very soon. I’d just be mindful of what we agreed to do together to ensure DS wouldn’t get hurt in the future. Think less soft play type places where it’s free play and they’re not closely supervised and more cinema where you sit between them, museum visits, cafes, structured activities like you could sign up for little kickers at the same time. That way you can protect DS, still keep the friendship and hopefully in 6 months her DS will have aged out of the behaviour.

I'd tell her why you can't meet up with the kids and it might give her an incentive to work on her child's behaviour. "This is so awkward because you're my best friend and I love you and little Susie too! But the last few times we've met up, Jim has been really sad about Susie hitting him and just doesn't want to meet up at the moment so can we please skip soft play this week?

I know all kids go through phases like this so hopefully we'll be able to meet up with the kids again really soon but in the meantime, do you fancy going for a drink next week after bedtime?"

Have you actually talked to her about this?

I had a partner - we didn’t live together - and his 6 year old DD hit my 4 year old DD. His response was that we shouldn’t interfere because they would sort it out between themselves. It was at that point that I decided we wouldn’t be living together.

As a friendship, it’s more difficult. I’d be honest and tell your friend you won’t let your child be hurt by anyone but you’re happy to meet without the children.

I’d meet with the friend but I would say that the kids seem to be getting annoyed with each other lately and getting aggressive because they are frustrated so for a while I think we will keep them apart and let them grow out if it.

She won’t like it because she knows it is only her child and she might try to dismiss you and drive over the boundary so you just keep repeating the same mantra until she gets it, you have a responsibility to your own child.

You have to protect your kid.

Cinema etc is fine if your kid isn’t hurt or scared. If not steer clear. We had a similar situation and to be honest as the child got older he actually got dangerous to the point he is in a special pathway at school (not in the UK).

I too have this problem with one of my close friends. Its very tricky as I know lots of our mutual friends have distanced themselves from her and her DS as a result of her DS's behaviour. Her DS is currently been assessed for ASD and he too is very physical with other children (especially when overwhelmed), he's also a runner and a loud verbal stimmer so she finds taking him out very difficult. Its hard as her DS constantly asks for his friends (my child and 3 others from our mutual friend group) and he has made no new friends at his nursery school and already has the label of "naughty boy who hits and bites and screams" so other parents at the school have already distanced themselves.

My friend also works term time only school hours and at all other times has her DS with her as she has no other childcare (her elderly parents cant cope with him as he runs off and hits frequently, his dad refuses to have him) so meeting up without her DS is very difficult. As ours are all at different school nurseries, we've gone with 1 shortish meet up per holiday somewhere like a quiet beach where there is lots of space. We have also done a familiar cheapish farm park which her DS likes and has fenced in large play areas. We generally do a couple of hours and that's it. We've done a lot of video calls where the kids can see each other and dip in and out. We are both hoping that once her DS gets his diagnosis and is able to access provision that meets his needs better things get easier.