10 year old refusing contact with Dad

[ShimmerPot]

Me and my daughters Dad split when she was around 1 month old and ever since then I have always facilitated contact. Over the years the arrangements have changed due to him changing his job numerous times and working away, but I've always made sure she sees him at least twice weekly. For this 4 years, most times he would collect her and she'd refuse to go, she would cry, hide in her bedroom, under tables and chairs. He'd then send family members to try and collect her, sometime she would go and sometimes she'd still refuse. And because of this, overnight stays didn't take place until she was around 4 years old.

Everything was fine for around 4 months until she began to say she didn't want to go, not only over night but at all. I did what I could for a period of time until it started to impact her mental health and schooling, with constant crying and recurrent UTI's and then we decided to go to court and let a court decide what the best course of action was.

The court agreed to leave the situation as was and encourage access which I did. For around 10 months this was accepted by my daughter and although her anxiety didn't subside completely, she seemed better. And then came the point she said she didn't want to sleep over, she was happy to go but would rather come home. This wasn't reciprocated well by Dad (understandably) but he did reluctantly agree as my daughter wrote him a letter to tell him how she felt.

This has been in place now for around 2 years and the time has come again, where her anxieties have returned worse than ever. She is now being sick, has headaches on the days she's due to attend dad's, has reflux symptoms, intrusive thoughts, signs of OCD and constant worry about anything and everything. Dad drinks a lot and she spends most of her time in the pub with him, she is allowed to the park without him and is interacting with other children much older than her and hearing things no 10 year old should know about. He smokes drugs and there are places in the home she isn't allowed. She has been offered alcohol and has accepted it once. Their home is ofen full of people drinking and shes taken to parties where all adults are drunk. Dad will often bad mouth me to our daughter and cry in front of her and tell her how upset it makes him when she refuses to see him. We use an app advised by court and most of the time the only thing in there is abuse towards myself, calling me toxic, manipulative, blaming me for her anxiety.

I've asked for their help and support and I'm getting nothing in return other than accusations of parental alienation.

I want our daughter to see her dad and know her family. Despite the abuse from him towards myself in our relationship and the years following, he loves his daughter and I want her to have a relationship with him like she deserves. Can anybody please help as I'm out of ideas on A. How to help her and B. How to encourage her to go without making her think im not listening to her feelings and overlooking her upset

Im sorry but i really really hope you are a Troll

If you arent, Christ. DO NOT LET YOUR DAUGHTER GO THERE AGAIN

UTI’s can be a sign of sexual abuse - Talk to your child, get her in counselling and see a doctor

Sorry, but there is no way I would be happy with her going to see him while he’s exposing her to such adult and inappropriate thing. I get that you can’t just stop her from going, but she clearly doesn’t want to go. I would listen to her loud and clear. As should her dad. And someone should give him a serious talking to about how you should behave around your child if you are a responsible adult and parent, as the way he is behaving is almost guaranteed to push her away, or even worse scar her for life and turn her into an alcoholic herself.

Do social services have any advice? If is your duty of care to protect your daughter no matter what. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like her day is responsible enough to do the same. So I would be putting up serious boundaries about this situation. Sorry, I get it’s never that easy and he has rights.

What is your relationship like with him otherwise? And how much does your daughter see of his wider family as you mentioned them sometimes coming to pick her up?

What in hell’s name are you thinking of? Are you serious?

Put your daughter first and acknowledge her overwhelming anxieties now.

Stop putting your daughter through this sh*t, protect her, and when she’s old enough, she’ll make her own mind about rekindling her relationship with her misfit father.

The UTI situation is worrying. Poor wee child. Stuff that for a game of monkeys. Stop putting her into this cess pit of danger.

Social services advised contact to stop, so I did stop contact, but i had a hurl of abuse as well as him turning up repeatedly at my door on the days he was due to collect her, my daughter witnessing the whole thing and feeling like it was all her fault and in the end she said she wanted to go .. and the police apparently can't do anything in a family matter when there is no evidence only allegations and can't override a court order.

I really appreciate your comment, this has made me see things a lot more clearly and I've only mentioned a snippet of the past decade so to know that is your opinion is reassuring.

Our relationship is non existent, he will not speak to me amicably and hurls abuse along with his partner about how much of a bad mother I am for brainwashing our daughter. He lies about the drink and drugs but our daughter sees it and obviously comes home and tells me. She sees her grandparents every now and again and her aunty on his side but that is also usually at the pub.

Please dont send her there. Drugs, alcohol, strangers are all bad things for a little girl.

UTIs can be a sign of s3xual abuse too, and overnight is the biggest problem for her?

He cries in front of her, guilt trips her and calls you names?

Love isnt enough. If he does love her, he needs sort his shit before seeing her. She doesnt deserve this.

I dont know why you're pushing her to see this hideous man who at best is neglecting and scaring her. You need to keep her safe. You need to keep this man away. Or when she grows up she will hate you more than him because you allow this horror to happen to her when you've the power to protect her. Please do that.

I will just say, we attended court AFTER the recurrent UTI's and they were investigated by paediatrics. Its very difficult to include all of the happenings of the last decade fully.

Its not as easy as stopping contact, he collects her from school, school know his days, there is a court order and they will not get involved. Have you any suggestions on how I go about overriding this and being able to be the one who collects her from school on those days? The police cannot override a child arrangements order either if they see the child is in a safe environment, they will only do a welfare check.

Id just like to add that I'm not forcing her, she hasn't been attending school on the days she sees him as at the moment that is the only way I can prevent her going there as the court order states he is to collect her.

She doesn't stay there overnight anymore and hasn't for the past 2 years due to the alcohol and drugs, and numerous individuals all of which are unknown to myself and my daughter.

We have a great relationship and she knows I support her fully, like I said, the last time this happened I stopped contact and that is when we attended court.

Then I'd get them to do regular welfare checks if you really can't/won't stop her from going to her Dad's. Poor kid.

Speak to the school about how she doesnt want to go with him and her allegations.

Go to court and challenge the order, shes at an age where her opinion matters

Id be doing all I could to support her choice if I were you. Id move her school if I had to

We have an appointment booked for Monday with the GP . She attends two different types of therapy. I understand UTI's can be concerning for a child of her age, she was under paediatrics who investigated fully.

I couldn’t read all your post.
Stop forcing her to go!!! Are you insane?? The level of distress you are describing is Huge. Her dad is clearly useless and not worth her having in her life tbh. What on earth makes you think it’s so Essential? I’d say this is a very clear example where it’s more damaging to see him than not.

If you continue, you will lose your daughter’s trust. I suspect you already have which is absolutely tragic at 4, and for a useless man who doesn’t parent her well. Come on grow up and end this toxic cycle!

Go back to court.

I appreciate this is hard for you. But I wouldn't be facilitating this for him, id speak to the school that her attendance issues are her fears of him picking her up and having her home with drunk and high strangers.

I have spoken with school on Friday, made her a GP appointment for Monday and stopped contact this weekend. Thanks for your advice

You should go back to court and challenge the court order. You need evidence of his abusive behavior- that’s what it is - and you need to fight her corner.

She isn't 4 she's 10. If you'd read to the end of the post you'd know we've been to court and they decided it was in her best interests at that time due to her age. Im posting now asking for advice as I'm at a loss on what to do because I've explored all other options. Myself and my daughter have a brilliant relationship, we always have had and always will do and she knows I support her fully with everything which is why I've stopped contact again.

It's just a real shame that court dont see it this way. My concerns were raised at that time and I was told as long as a sober party was present that it wasn't a worry and was to go. In the order it states I am to ensure I facilitate contact but at present she hasn't seen him for two weeks, so I think from the advice here I am doing the right thing despite being manipulated by Dad and his partner into thinking I'm not and should be forcing contact.

See a solicitor and apply for a prohibitive steps order. It may be court ordered, but contact doesn’t sound safe and is clearly damaging her.
If social services have advised stopping contact, this will help. please get proper legal advice urgently

Thank you, I'm speaking with my domestic abuse support worker on Monday to help me fill out forms for court so will ask her about this then!

My barrister told me judges are reckless with other people's dc.. And he was right..
Ime.
When dd starts secondary school her wishes and feelings will be taken more into account.. My exh used to take 2 under 7s to parties with his adult mates in hso time. The boys slept on chairs until it was time to walk back.
Different parenting styles the judge told me.
Exh allowed under age drinking.. 30yo ds is a raging alcoholic now...

I will be doing, thanks for your advice

I've spoken with school on Friday to explain the whole situation and it's all been logged , I'm expecting a meeting with the head teacher next week. I've made her a gp appointment for Monday and also arranged a call with my domestic abuse support worker for next week so will be asking her to help me in terms of taking it back to court. I appreciate your advice, thank you

I found court disgusting to be honest, they didn't seem to care about the fact he's an alcoholic or that he smokes drugs whilst he has her. As long as a sober party is there its fine according to them. When I asked what would happen in terms of the order if her anxieties didn't subside I was told "they will" .... feel like im fighting a losing battle. Shes only 2 years off secondary school but is a very intelligent girl who is mature for her age so im hoping they may listen to her opinion!