Advice needed on how to integrate toddler with new baby

[Hertsparent]

Hi, this is the first time I’ve posted on here! I’m a mum to a 2 year old boy (only just turned 2) and a 4 week old baby boy. We are trying everything to make it a smooth transition as possible for our toddler - we followed all the tips when pregnant. We read him books about the baby, we bought him a present from the baby, I was not holding the baby when the two met for the first time etc etc. I’ve kept his bedtime routine so he always has me for the last hour of the day to himself. Despite this, he is increasingly violent towards his brother. If he comes in and the baby is in the room he will make a beeline for him and whilst initially he will sometimes be encouraged to kiss him or stroke with ‘gentle hands’ he will then hit, smack, and just generally go for him as hard as he can. It’s very upsetting and I’m finding it a difficult line to tread as I feel if I remove the baby completely I make it more of an issue. At same time I have to keep the baby safe. We’ve told him ‘no’ and we give him positive reinforcement too when he does something good. (You’re such a good brother etc.) None of it is working. If anything he’s getting worse! I find it very emotional and upsetting (I’m sure hormones too). I have friends who tell me how kind their toddlers are with the baby - how sweet - and I wonder what I’m doing wrong! Any advice welcome. I feel very down about it and like maybe I’ve mishandled things.

Oh really feel for you, this is so hard. I have the same age gap and they play beautifully now, but the first year was just fire fighting.

Things that helped (a little bit)

• reminding of how to greet before he got eyes on the baby. E.g. we say hi to baby by waving
• if he wanted to be physically close to the baby then he had to put any toy cars or trains down. They become weapons if the mood changes!
• get out and about with baby in the sling. We went to the zoo multiple times a week. It meant I could chase my toddler as normal, baby was safe and snuggled in and I could feed in the sling, and meant I got a break as I wasn't having to actively manage the situation as much
• if he was rough I would physically block him and then move him away/baby away (whichever was easiest at the time) and say I know that he's mad but I can't let him hit and hurt the baby. Occasionally I totally lost it and properly shouted at him and we all cried. It's very triggering.

Basically, it's really really hard, and I wasn't sure we'd ever get there, but my 4yo properly explains things and plays with my 2yo now and I can leave them together unsupervised while I do washing up with zero dramas. We also taught my toddler to shout for help if he was feeling like hitting. He wasn't always sure why he felt like hitting but started to say "mummy help" when agitated and that was my cue to drop everything!

You're not doing anything wrong and you're doing the right things. At this age they are all hitting I have a 2 year old too.