Hello I'm a mom of 4. 3 teens and one under 10. I've been married to the same guy (father of all kids) for 12 years together 17. Anyway I'm suffering from depression again (very long story to that).
So my husband is from a state in Mexico that's wayy towards the bottom and he's super adamant on having our 3 oldest go by bus with his mom (cheaper then flying) but I am so beyond scared and my anxiety just got mega bad over it. He knows my thoughts of it but when we agreed on the kids even going it was for them to fly. They would be going for their aunt's wedding (husbands sister)
A little back story to all this is he has always said that I don't care about the kids learning his roots etc it's not that I swear I would love that but because we can't travel ourselves (we have certain permits to be here please don't judge). So we've always had a rift when the topic comes up of them going to Mexico.
This time around I was okayish with it. I got everything they needed for their passports and I made sure they got applied for correctly.
So lately with everything going on in the world my anxiety is thru the roof and apart from being sick. My eyes are all puffy from crying because I don't know what to do to tell my husband I don't want the kids traveling to Mexico with their 70 year old grandma on a bus for literally a day and a half. I fear the worst that could happen.
He doesn't have the best track record in our marriage (again a whole nother story I'm sorry) so in my head I keep thinking right now why did I stay. Why am I here. I did deserve better. At least I hope I did
I'm not perfect but I never did anything to him like he did to me. We always lived with his family for about 7 years give or take. And they were fine but I also was treated poorly. And like I said he did questionable things.
But I'm sitting here scared because I know this may be a toxic marriage but I'm scared because being that I am still here and our relationship has been "good" since we had our youngest I know if I speak up about Mexico he's gonna get mad right away and he would probably say "everything will be ok nothing will happen",
But what if something does. God willing nothing does happen right but what IF it does. I couldn't live with that. I'm already at a bad place.
My depression stems from ALOT. Most recently got bad over the past year from health issues I had and my sister had a really scary thing happen to her health wise as well. I've been holding on to every thread I can reach.
There's moments I think I'm so tired of feeling this way. I've tried therapy and medication and it doesn't help. I hate the feeling of wanting to stop being me and disappearing. I swear I don't want to KMS but the 4 things that keep me alive are my kids. If it wasn't for them I don't know what would be of me honestly.
I'm sorry for the long post and I'm sorry for ranting. But thank you for getting to the end and again please don't judge me I swear I'm not a bad person (everyone says that right lol)
I just need some honest mommy advice. I