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Very anxious 3 year old

8 replies

Jendrw5 · 20/06/2025 14:40

My 3 year old is due to start nursery in a couple of months, but is extremely scared of other children if he sees them, and adults, if they're too close. So it's got me very worried about him starting nursery.

He's fine with most of the family, but will still take up to an hour to be comfortable around them each time he sees them, which is fairly often. I take him to a couple of groups a week, he's similar there in that he's fine after a long time of being there, but he still won't go off on his own, he'll want me or my dh to go with him all the time. When he's around other people he won't talk at all, sometimes he'll whisper, but I think he just doesn't want to draw attention to himself, I've noticed he's a lot more confident if both me and dh are with him rather than just me.

His speech isn't great, but is improving, he's in speech therapy, so it's hard to communicate with him to find out exactly what the matter is. Every time he sees someone, or if the door goes, even if it's just my dh home from work, he'll put his hands over his mouth until he feels comfortable again.

I take him to the park but if there's other children there, which there always is, he never goes on anything, as he's too scared, although he does seem to enjoy just walking around which is why I still take him.

Another thing is that he is very clingy to me. Sometimes if I go in another room in the house he'll cry and out his hands over his mouth, I try to involve him when I'm doing housework but he gets very upset amd just sits in his chair mumbling to himself.

I'm really worried about him starting nursery amd having to leave him there, I know there's a settling in period which is good but he just seems so much more clingy and anxious than anyone else his age. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar with their child and how they got on. Thanks in advance.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Springadorable · 20/06/2025 20:03

Does he need to go to nursery? Or do you just feel that he should be going? Because if it's just that you feel he should I'd look for a much smaller environment like a child minder where it will be one adult and only a few regular children, and you can just do a short amount of time.

Jendrw5 · 20/06/2025 21:20

I would really like hin to go to nursery, as the one he's been accepted into is right next to our house, whereas a childminder is a bus ride away. It's also a really good nursery, with lots of indoor and outdoor space. We've had a few taster sessions, so he's already met a couple of the teachers which is good, but during the taster sessions he still wouldn't let me leave his side, and just led me round the outskirts of the room, while the other children played in the middle.

I do want him to go mostly because I do really want him to interact more with children his own age and not be so scared of them. I didn't go to nursery and I think that affected me making friends when I started school, so I don't want the same to happen to him.

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RainbowZebraWarrior · 20/06/2025 21:27

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that this might not work out for him. I was exactly like this as a child and so was my DD (very clingy, speech issues, shy, scared of other children and adults) We are both Autistic.

You may just need to see how it goes, but be prepared. I also wanted my DD to go to nursery as I didn't, and wanted her to mix as I didn't mix well with other kids. It all makes sense now for us. Wishing you the best of luck and hoping it does work out for you and your lovely boy

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Haveiwon · 20/06/2025 21:39

I agree with the PP, nursery really might not work for your son. He definitely sounds like he is neuro-divergent. My son is like this and he is on the Autism pathway. Very scared of children, I think because they are unpredictable but he can’t really put it into words. Scared of most adults too, refuses to be left.

It wasn’t until I had my daughter who, so far, appears neuro-typical that I realised how far from the norm my son’s behaviour was. She goes up to other children and smiles at them! Despite being 18 months and only having 2 words. My son was also speech delayed and everyone said, oh he isn’t so social because he can’t talk. Now I have my daughter and laugh at that idea as she is so much more social than him despite a lack of language and being 2 years younger!

Springadorable · 20/06/2025 21:56

At the moment, from what you've said, I don't think it's in his best interests. He's too worried to be able to benefit. It's one thing to be gently coaxed out of your comfort zone, but he would be so far out of it as to be terrified, and you can't make positive associations in that situation.

If you were shut in a room with five lions, you wouldn't come out thinking oh lions aren't that bad. You'd come out panicking and wondering how you survived. And not wanting to repeat the experience. It's extreme, but I'd be worried about putting him off school all together if you go for nursery at the moment.

Jendrw5 · 20/06/2025 22:01

He is also getting assessed for autism, sometimes I think he may be autistic, but then he has excellent understanding and nonverbal communication, and his eye contact is good too. We can take him anywhere as well and he always copes well away from his normal routine, he loves travelling and having days out, so I am leaving to it being more of an anxiety/shyness thing with him.

If I think he's not coping well with nursery then we will pull him out, I'm the only one in the family who's worried he won't do well there, but I think that's just because I didn't enjoy it when I was his age.

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Jendrw5 · 20/06/2025 22:13

He gets on very well with his cousin who's the same age as him, that's the only child he'll actually play with. That gives me a little hope that he may get used to some of the other children at nursery too.

At the moment i feel very conflicted about whats best for him, I dont want him to go to nursery and just be scared and I wont be sending him if thats the case, but I do want to give him a chance at it, and dh is keen for him to go as he thinks it'll be good for him. We are due a home visit from the nursery before he starts so I am planning on bringing up my concerns during that meeting and seeing what they say too.

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Yourethebeerthief · 20/06/2025 22:21

It could be the making of him OP. It sounds like you’re going in with an open mind and taking the right approach. Hopefully he develops a good trusting bond with his key worker and that will make all the difference in him. Settling in might take a bit longer. Just talk to the nursery about that and do what you feel is right for him.

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