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Original poster

Issue with Ex.

4 replies

CandidJoker · 20/06/2025 14:30

Hi all.
I'm after some advice, i was going to go to CAFCASS but it seems they don't really help post court order.
I have full custody of my kids, and have a court order in place covering access etc.
The issue i have is that my ex is constantly saying things to the kids that aren't true, she has sent abusive things to me, some of which the kids have seen.
Even if i was to have good reason, i never say anything to my kids about their mum, unless i need to put them correct on something, i never sl*g her off to the kids, yet I'm constantly getting things in return. The kids sometimes ask me if something is true, because of what their mum says, so i then have to tell them the truth.
I have kept all emails/texts, and have made notes of everything of importance, in case i need to refer back to anything, so i can prove what has been said. Quite often i have run her messages and my replies via family, so as they know what's been said and let me know before i send something, if i'm out of order.
So i have i have acted correctly.
Recently, due to some stuff she said in an email, i felt the need to defend myself a bit, the trouble is, she took what i said, twisted it for her benefit, and told the kids she wouldn't see them anymore, got the kids properly feeling sorry for her and the kids almost blaming me, the kids say they don't believe what she says, but you can tell that they are taken in by her.
She's blocked me, even though she is supposed to contact the kids through my phone, rather than theirs.
She has got everything she has wanted, to split from me, me to have the kids, and her to only see them every other weekend, yet she hates me, even told the kids that this morning.
It's fine if she hates me, but this has all been caused by her, and yet she can't see it, either way she shouldn't be telling the kids that.

How can i stop it, if at all? I'm really worried this is going to have a negative impact on the kids, let alone the fact it is affecting my relationship with them, which if the ex new that, she'd love it.
I really don't care about me, but i can't stand the lies she tells them etc.

Please help.

OP posts:
anitarielleliphe · 20/06/2025 15:25

If you have documented all of her lies and have also done so in a way that has made others aware of her behavior, it is perhaps time to consult an attorney. If the kids' mental health and ability to trust their parents is affected by her behavior, something must be done. Obviously, and you are keenly aware of this, she cares far more for herself, her need to feed her spite and anger, than she does for her own children, so while you have been taking the high road in order to have the least impact negatively on your children, she has been doing the opposite. It may be time to bring in an unbiased third party that can affect change.

Original poster
CandidJoker · 20/06/2025 21:44

anitarielleliphe · 20/06/2025 15:25

If you have documented all of her lies and have also done so in a way that has made others aware of her behavior, it is perhaps time to consult an attorney. If the kids' mental health and ability to trust their parents is affected by her behavior, something must be done. Obviously, and you are keenly aware of this, she cares far more for herself, her need to feed her spite and anger, than she does for her own children, so while you have been taking the high road in order to have the least impact negatively on your children, she has been doing the opposite. It may be time to bring in an unbiased third party that can affect change.

I guess it depends on what lies she's told and whether i have proof of it in email or something, i mean for example, she'll tell my kids that the reason that her 2 step sons and father doesn't speak to her is because they aren't happy about the divorce etc. When in reality they don't want anything to do with her because of her past behaviours, and some current ones. It's just a lot of little bits like that, when i'm trying to remain the bigger person and not speak bad of her to the kids.
I just don't know where i go with it.
Do i try and get everything documented, and try and get a court order in place to prevent her saying things, is that even a thing? The kids have told her they don't want her to talk about me.

OP posts:
anitarielleliphe · 20/06/2025 22:29

CandidJoker · 20/06/2025 21:44

I guess it depends on what lies she's told and whether i have proof of it in email or something, i mean for example, she'll tell my kids that the reason that her 2 step sons and father doesn't speak to her is because they aren't happy about the divorce etc. When in reality they don't want anything to do with her because of her past behaviours, and some current ones. It's just a lot of little bits like that, when i'm trying to remain the bigger person and not speak bad of her to the kids.
I just don't know where i go with it.
Do i try and get everything documented, and try and get a court order in place to prevent her saying things, is that even a thing? The kids have told her they don't want her to talk about me.

Show quote history

It absolutely depends on the lie and effects of the lie. And, something not discussed is the kids' ages. When they are too young to parse lies from truth this is a concern, but at some point when they are older and wiser they will figure her out. The key is to determine whether you can wait for that to happen, or whether the nature of her lies, and the fact that they are believed, or causing issues, is materially affecting your relationship with your kids, their self-esteem and ability to trust adults, etc.

When what she is doing is having a detrimental effect on your relationship with your children or their mental health that is when she has crossed a line. If they are older and already on to her games, and have asked her to stop talking about you, but their mental health is still good, then maybe you just let natural consequences take hold, and that will be she will end up alienating them all by herself.

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Original poster
CandidJoker · 26/06/2025 19:29

anitarielleliphe · 20/06/2025 22:29

It absolutely depends on the lie and effects of the lie. And, something not discussed is the kids' ages. When they are too young to parse lies from truth this is a concern, but at some point when they are older and wiser they will figure her out. The key is to determine whether you can wait for that to happen, or whether the nature of her lies, and the fact that they are believed, or causing issues, is materially affecting your relationship with your kids, their self-esteem and ability to trust adults, etc.

When what she is doing is having a detrimental effect on your relationship with your children or their mental health that is when she has crossed a line. If they are older and already on to her games, and have asked her to stop talking about you, but their mental health is still good, then maybe you just let natural consequences take hold, and that will be she will end up alienating them all by herself.

Show quote history

My kids are 10 and 11. Thankfully nothing was saidbthe last time she saw them, so I think I will just play it by ear, and decide if anything more is said.

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