Ex wants to take the kids away with new partner

[Welshmam82]

After advice as new to the single mum stuff.
me and my ex split up 8 months ago, we have a 12 and 14yo. Split came as a shock we had been together for 21 years!
He recently asked if he could take the kids away for the weekend in 3 weeks time, i was a bit reluctant as he hadn’t seen the kids in 5 weeks - another issue too long to discuss. He then told me he was in a relationship and she would also be there. This was also the first time I had heard of the relationship so a lot to take in one phone call. I said I was ok with him taking them away but not with a new partner that they’ve only just heard about. He then said well I’ve already asked the daughter and she wants to go. I then find out the new partners family will be there also.
I don’t even know if this relationship is serious or how long it has been going on for.
Am I being unreasonable saying they shouldn’t go as there also doesn’t seem to be any effort for her to meet our children and says it will be ok to meet when they are away?
I’ve told the kids how I feel but will support them with what they want, my 12yo has said no he doesn’t want to, my 14yo says she doesn’t care - but she says that to a lot of stuff these days, but their father keeps asking about going.
All my friends and family agree with me saying no they shouldn’t go yet it’s too soon but he believes they are only siding with me because they are my friends and family, he doesn’t speak to his family so won’t get their input and I can’t speak to them and they have ignored me and the kids since the split.
Any advice is appreciated because I feel like he’s not listening to me.

Absolutely not. He needs to consider what's in the best interests of his kids. If he hasn't seen them for 5 weeks, then he needs to prioritise seeing them consistently on his own. Once he's serious with the gf and has known them for a year, then I don't see why anyone would object. Even then, he should do a few short meet-ups, park, dinner, cinema, etc. I think a weekend away is too long for a first introduction.

It’s all too soon. It would be too much for the children to deal with and with no respite. Much better to have a few shorter meetings before anything so full on.
Doesn’t sound like he has considered your children at all in this just his own desires.

Sorry. No advice. I just hope he will keep his kids and their wellbeing at the center of his diction making rather than himself, his ego and his need to desperately show the GF what a great father he is. A great father wouldn't do this.

I agree it’s too much too soon.

However he is their dad so as much as you can say you don’t want him too if you both have PR, it’s in the U.K. so he doesn’t need written consent and you do t have a court order covering this he can actually take them.

I think the best you can do is support the kids to feel how they feel and tell them you support whatever decision they make.

Too much, too soon. He is being thoughtless and selfish. He's doing it for his own ego, not because he wants to see his dds.

Your dds are old enough to express a opinion so tell them that if they don't want to go, you will back them up, and if they decide they want to come home mid-way, you will go and get them.

At 14 & 12, I'd let them decide for themselves.

Thank you all, I’m glad others are pretty much on the same page as me I just needed to hear others opinions on it or anyone who has been in a similar situation.
I agree, it’s too much too soon plus also my children are old enough to make their own decisions. My 14yo just sees it as spending time with her dad so wants to go, my 12yo isn’t keen on meeting new people I’m just worried he’s using it as an excuse to show off his kids to his new GF and her family. I’m always having to pick up the pieces when he upsets them and I don’t want this to be another one of those situations, even though my kids both know I’m always there for for them.

You’re right he likely is using them to impress the new girlfriend but the best thing you can do is be there for the children without running him down. You don’t want the children thinking they have to worry about you while away with their dad and make decisions based on that. They might have a nice time?

I would tell them that it’s their choice and you will support them either way, be there if they want to talk through their feelings etc. And like another poster said tell them that you are always there and will pick them up if they change their mind but you hope they have a nice time with their dad.

If they do go, use the time to do something nice for yourself, see good friends etc.

At 12 and 14 I would really say it’s upto them

the only thing is you say you told them how you feel tbh that will definitely influence there decision as they will feel there being disloyal to you

When I was a kid, think I was 11, I once went on holiday with my younger brother, my dad and a woman I'd never met. Made no difference to my enjoyment of the holiday. Just depends how its handled by all the adults.

I agree with this. I get that it hurts you and you are doing your best to protect the children, but they aren't tiny and should have been allowed to make their own decisions without your influence.

You and your ex are both their parents and presumably you trusted his judgement for 21 years to have 2 children with him, so hopefully he intends to do his best to protect and give them a nice weekend.

Yeah, this is one for the dc to decide, they're old enough.
I wouldn't discuss your thoughts on the subject with the dc, I agree with the pp who said it may make then feel disloyal to you.
It's not an ideal situation as they haven't met the new partner yet but as she's a parent you'd hope that she's a normal (for want of a better word) person and that they'd be safe.
Also, your dc are old enough to let you know if they weren't enjoying themselves or wanted to come home.
I wouldn't actively encourage them to go but I would make it clear that it's their decision, you support them and they may actually enjoy spending time with ddad.
You need to play Mrs Reasonable, as hard as it is.
Your dc are entitled to a relationship with ddad even if that comes with his new partner.
I'd be encouraging that relationship.
I know it's hard, I've been there, done that.
IME, supporting their relationship with ddad is in their best interests even if he is a thoughtless twat, they won't always be 12 and 14, they'll figure it out by themselves.
You never know they may actually have a good time ❤️

You were wrong for telling them how you feel.

tbh I would encourage them to go. At this stage they will be wanting a relationship with their dad, don’t become that parent by telling them how you feel. As hard as it is, your feelings are irrelevant.

At that age they are in the realms of doing things with people you and sometimes they have never met before such as PGL camps so in that respect I don't think it is an outrageous suggestion. I do think it is strange that he can't find the time to introduce them to the girlfriend before they go. I would also want to know who they are sharing rooms with. If they want to go though I wouldn't stop them.

I don't think it's up to you to decide tbh. He's their dad and he has a right to do it, regardless of how bad an idea it is unfortunately.

I'd be inclined to firstly let the kids decide for themselves, and secondly say to your ex that you can't stop him, obviously, but he might want to think about the wisdom of introducing the kids to someone he's (supposedly) been seeing for a short amount of time, let alone going away with her. Most people wouldn't introduce their kids to someone so soon.

Yeah that’s what I’ve done, my daughter wants to go because it’s a weekend away and somewhere different and I’m not stopping her but my son doesn’t and I’ve told them both that whatever they choose is right for them and I will support it, unfortunately their dad doesn’t agree and is nagging our son to go. My son has said he will only go if the new GF and her family weren’t there, he just wants to spend time with his dad and sister. They don’t spend much time with their dad because he’s always ‘busy’ They still haven’t met her and it’s been 2 weeks since he’s mentioned it first and they are going next Friday. I’m just glad my daughter is a strong independent young lady and I know she will be fine it’s just upsetting he’s still taking her and not taking his sons feeling into it.

Im not really sure you have a choice in who your ex brings on holiday with the kids. If this was to be put to a court, I think you'd find they would say the same. I have 3 DC and my ex was cheating on me, so he was in a full blown relationship by the time we had split. My DC have spent a lot of time with her, it breaks my heart in to little pieces but I can't object unless I have good reason to believe they are not being looked after, which they are. If your ex is a good dad, then you should trust him.

Agree with this. At these ages it should be up to them.

I have done since i originally posted it took me some time to get my head around it as i was told about the GF and the holiday all in a space of 5 mins 🤦🏻‍♀️ i had a long chat with them both about they felt about it all. My 14yo wants to go my 12yo doesn’t and I support them both. My 12yo is a bit more sensitive and anxious about it all, he’s had to have support with the break up so that’s why I’m weary about it, I even asked him why he didn’t want to go to see if I could reassure him and he doesn’t want to go without meeting her first. Unfortunately their dad doesn’t understand this and seems to think along with the new GF meeting her 2hours away from home is best for everyone. You can’t please everyone can you.

If their dad started prioritising his children hes see them a good few times between now and then and also see them to introduce the new GF. But like most adulterers I imagine hes too busy dipping his wick to remember his kids, until he wants to show them off…..

Totally agree, if they met her a few times I might not have any concerns but she’s a stranger to them at the moment, but it’s not just her that’s going it’s her parents, brother and his family. I’m just concerned it’s going to be too much in one go for them and I think that is why my son doesn’t want to go.